Gap year diary – 3 questions I want to answer for myself as a parent

I am on a gap year in 2021 to explore how I want to spend my 40s and craft my life 2.0.

As I started my gap year, I spent the first few months slowing down to detect life 1.0 default patterns & consciously choose foundations for life 2.0 (presence versus productivity, life experiments of no phone/ news etc.). In my last update, I had shared 5 things I learnt in the first 90 days of my gap year.

This update is about what I have been discovering in the world of parenting. Why parenting? It felt like an important life area where there is a gap between my intentions versus skills. I am curious to explore what parenting means to me and what I should focus my attention on. How I am going about it? In the last 2-3 months, I have started to closely observe kids in different spheres of their lives (playtime with friends, online classes, family interactions, extracurriculars), crafted mini-experiments, read books and online courses, talked to other parents, did one term of homeschooling, started learning new skills alongside them (music, video games), and created space to be just with them without any plan.

What have I discovered so far? 3 questions I want to answer for myself as a parent.

1) As a parent, where can I uniquely make a difference in my child's development? –?I ask this since time is finite, and I like my other identities as well. Hence the curiosity to find out the no miss areas to prioritize - what is critical for a child's development, but no one can do as well as a parent.

What am I finding? To begin with, just because I can do something does not mean that I should do it. For example, I experimented with homeschooling for a few months for my 5-year-old. While I can quickly learn online on the best way to teach every topic (e.g. multiplication), why should I learn to do something others can do as well or better (e.g. teachers)??However, dabbling in these mini-experiments also helped me become aware of critical moments when children seem to need me most as a parent. It was not about a specific activity or amount of time. It was rather about being present with full attention when the child needs me emotionally and helping them develop the emotional intelligence to deal with everyday life as it happens.

Emotional intelligence for children is the awareness and the ability to regulate their emotions when dealing with everyday life, whether it is a fight with a friend or the anxiety of starting a new school. Why is it critical? We cannot control what life will throw at our children now and in the future as adults. What we can do, instead, is to help them build a core of self-awareness and resilience, which will allow them to navigate the inevitable ups and downs of life. In my gap year conversations about life with countless adults, one theme stands out: How much misery we adults put ourselves through with our inability to acknowledge our emotions without rushing to judgment? The burden of life seems unique to each one of us. Adults were children once, and the denial starts with childhood. What if we could help our children grow emotionally intelligent to deal with life?

Why are parents uniquely suited to do this? Family life is our first school for emotional learning (Daniel Goleman). A job well done requires both motivation and competence. Parents have the motivation (no one cares as much about your child as you do). Competence can be acquired on the job (no one knows your child as well as you do) as we learn our role as a mirror to help children see their feelings without adding flattery or faults.

From a mirror, we want an image, not a sermon (Dr Haim G Ginott).

2) How do I learn to look at the world through children's eyes??It started with an intriguing story I read (Between parent and child, Dr Haim G Ginott). 'On her first visit to a kindergarten, while her mother was still with her, Nancy, age five, looked over the paintings on the wall and asked loudly, "who made these ugly pictures?" Nancy's mother was embarrassed. She looked at her daughter disapprovingly and hastened to tell her. "It's not nice to call the pictures ugly when they are so pretty." The teacher, who understood the meaning of the question, smiled and said, "In here, you don't have to paint pretty pictures. You can paint mean pictures if you like it." A big smile appeared on Nancy's face; for now, she had the answer to her hidden question, "what happens to a girl who doesn't paint so well?". Next, Nancy picked up a broken fire engine and asked self-righteously, "who broke this fire engine?" Her mother answered, "What difference does it make to you who broke it? You don't know anyone here." Nancy was not really interested in names. She wanted to find out what happened to children who break toys. Understanding the question, the teacher gave an appropriate answer: "Toys are for playing. Sometimes they get broken. It happens." Nancy seemed satisfied. Her interviewing skill has netted her the necessary information: This grown-up is pretty nice, she does not get angry quickly, even when a picture comes out ugly, or a toy is broken, I don't have to be afraid; it is safe to stay here."

I loved the story. A hidden world of children's language where feelings hold the clue to meaning versus words! Why did I miss this insight earlier? Could it be rooted in the parenting version of presence versus productivity? How to give full attention to children when it is running in short supply in our own lives? In my own experiments, I am finding that just being present with full attention is the secret key to enter the world of children and understand their feelings. Last night during bedtime reading, my daughter and I discovered that cats make 16+ sounds to express their feelings with distinct meanings. The world seems alive with communication – whether children or cats. Yet, we only get to hear what we choose to pay attention to.

3) How can parenting serve as a pathway for deepening self-awareness and personal growth?

As I pause to consider the world through the child's eyes, I slowly become aware of the other person in the room as well, myself, and the baggage I might be carrying unawares.

What am I bringing to this relationship at the moment that is mine to own and not my child's to receive? (Shefali Tsabary)

Parenting seems rich with clues for potential self-discovery – What is my default parenting style? What triggers my hot buttons? Why do I feel proud? Defensive? In front of whom? What does it reveal about me and the real issues that need to get solved?

For example, if I think about my hot button triggers during life 1.0 parenting, typically, few ingredients used to be present. The stress of time scarcity, no proven clue about handling a particular situation, and lingering guilt that parenting is an important role I should understand better. The frustration would seem directed towards others, but I was angry with myself for the gap between life priorities I cherished versus priorities expressed in action. So, either I let go of parenting as a priority or re-arrange my life in line with my priorities. It is just one of many self-discovery journeys triggered by parenting.

Parenting also seems a beautiful opportunity for regeneration and personal growth. Are there things I have always wanted to learn which I can learn together with my kids now? (e.g., video games and music for me). There is the thrill of learning something new (& to let children see that you are never too old to learn something new). What I had not anticipated, though, was how it also creates a natural space for reverse mentoring and to relate to each other as peers in a shared quest, adding new layers to the relationship.

Someone asked me, 'Do I feel like a better parent?'. I don't know. What I do know is that I feel like a more aware parent. When kids do or say something, before jumping to react to their words, I find myself pausing to decode what is really the situation all about ('I am mad' might mean 'I need your attention'). I still feel out of depth most times, but I am amazed at the available research, peer parental insights and the value of curious pauses to keep learning as a parent. Feeling out of depth and loving it!

The constant happiness is curiosity (Alice Munro)

I would love to hear from you if anything resonates or if you would like to share any personal learnings, resources and tips on parenting.

Cheers,

Sameer Srivastav

P.S. 3 books I recommend so far - Between Parent & Child (Dr Haim G Ginott), Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child (John M. Gottman), The Conscious Parent (Dr Shefali Tsabary).

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