The games we play

This is from an article by John Durrant . To view the full article on the Human-Centric Engineering Substack click here

This is not an article about Fortnite, Call of Duty or Doom, it’s an exploration of the seminal work by psychiatrist Eric Berne in his 1964 book ‘Games People Play’.

Berne studied the unwritten rules that occur in social and team interactions. He viewed the dynamics of certain interactions as ‘games’ where we keep score and transact points. His interest in the dynamics of our personal encounters led to the development of the psychological framework of Transactional Analysis.

I’ve often struggled in social situations, especially when I was younger. I detested small talk. I was comfortable with close friends but with no interest in football, rugby or sports cars I was at a loss at what to talk about at parties or any social gathering with strangers, so I avoided these events altogether or would subdue the experience with alcohol. I was especially baffled by the social affiliations people made at work and the combative shenanigans that went on. So I studied people and social situations myself, with the aid of whatever books I could find to throw light on the incomprehensible nature of people and relationships. Berne’s ‘Games People Play’ is a gem of a book I first encountered about 25 years ago, and it has stayed with me.

Eric Berne suggests that there are 6 different ways of passing our time with each other during social interactions.

What we’re all seeking is intimacy in our social interactions, but depending on our disposition and the social context we tend to adopt less satisfying approaches.?

1. Withdrawal:

We can choose to withdraw from the interaction, either physically or through presenteeism. Withdrawal can be healthy or unhealthy, depending on the context - e.g. daydreaming or retreating when socially drained.

2. Rituals:

These are the everyday pleasantries of “Hello, how are you?”, “OK, thanks - though it looks like it might rain again.” - and so it goes… Rituals are fairly predictable, and highly structured but surface-level conventions, conforming to the prevailing cultural norms.

3. Pastimes

Pastimes are semi-structured interactions around safe subjects, perhaps discussing sports teams, celebrities, holiday plans,? or non-contentions current events. Time is passed together with a pleasant and low-risk feel. Games People Play was published in the '60s, and some of the colloquialisms in the book reflect the established social norms of the times. With pastimes such as ‘Wardrobe’, ‘Grocery’, and ‘Kitchen’ positioned as Lady Talk, and ‘General Motors’ and ‘Who Won’ as Man Talk, it’s fascinating to observe how society has changed over the last 60 years.

4.? Activity

Activity relates to people coming together around a shared goal. Coming together at work for standup meetings or retrospectives with teams working together on a project. Our shared hobbies create activity-based relationships - collaborating on Fortnite, attending a fitness class or playing 5-a-side football. The focus is on the collective purpose and relationships develop obliquely to the shared pursuit.

5. Games

When social interactions are laden with drama and complex ulterior motives. When we see the emergence of the persecutor, victim and hero dynamic. When there are hidden and manipulative plays for status, we are probably in the dynamic of games. Games trigger our emotional reactions, the fuel for soap operas and modern politics. They are the source of frustration, anger, and resentment. We get locked into repeatedly playing the same games over and over, stunting our growth and diminishing our relationships. Games prevent us from getting to what we really want, which is social intimacy - but we play them because there’s always a payoff: they reinforce our existing beliefs about ourselves and others and protect us from the vulnerability required for true intimacy, thus maintaining a sense of control and predictability in our social interactions.

6. Intimacy

We want authentic and open exchanges with genuine intent. A sincere emotional exchange without any hidden agendas. This is where we share honest interests and genuine concern for one another and can explore nuanced topics or discuss difficult challenges in good faith without feeling personally threatened. This is the domain of true psychological safety where we share our fears, failures and true aspirations.

“Pastimes and games are substitutes for the real living of real intimacy.” - Eric Berne, Games People Play

John's article goes on to explore the parent-child relationship styles we often see at work, and looks at some of the common games we play like "See what you made me do" and "Look Ma, no hand" - you'll recognise them when you see them.

Check it out here: https://humancentricengineering.substack.com/p/games-engineers-play

We also offer a fun workshop for engineering teams, identifying the games that people are playing in your org and your team. It's a great way to get people talking about how they work together, in an engaging and entertaining format.

https://www.humancentricengineering.com/games-engineers-play