THE GAME OF THRONES: Why Toilet Paper Matters

Irish-Australian comedian Jimeoin once said, “Did you ever take a piece of toilet paper … and use it to blow your nose?”

“That piece of toilet paper would consider itself to be quite lucky”.

Now, of course, any person who can afford to use a spare piece of toilet paper to blow their nose would be the one considering themselves to be quite lucky.

The rest of us … those for whom the panic-buying of a good which was never in danger of being short-supplied, which was never likely to be needed in larger-than-normal quantities, is below our preferred level of dignity … find ourselves playing an alarming real-life Game of Thrones.

And I am fascinated by this whole phenomenon.

I never expected to receive an email from the CEO of Woolworths Supermarkets with the subject line “An important word about toilet paper”. He’s never written to me before. If anything, I’d have expected his first email to me to be headed, “Thanks for buying all those chips”.

So about a day ago I thought I would write an article about how our Number Twos became our Number One priority … but I won’t tell you where I was when the idea of writing this article came to me.

To begin, I think, it would be a good idea to understand a little bit more about toilet paper.

A BRIEF HISTORY OF TOILET PAPER

And, it might interest you to learn that, in Western societies, although toilet paper is considered a daily essential, its history is surprisingly recent (the Chinese were apparently way ahead of the curve, with records showing they were using it in the sixth century … although, don’t ask me what SORT of records showed that).

But, up until the middle of the nineteenth century, westerners were likely to be using … wait for it … corn cobs or rocks. Ouch!

It wasn’t until an American inventor, Joseph Gayetty introduced something similar to wet wipes, which he called Gayetty’s Medical Paper, which he claimed could help “prevent the haemorrhoids”, that people had a product specifically made for the task.

The growing popularity of newspapers and shopping catalogues provided people with a supply of paper they could use. In fact, when Sears began using glossy paper in their catalogues they received many complaints from people as glossy paper is ... well ... need I spell it out for you??

As the nineteenth century neared its conclusion, the cheapening of the paper-making process opened doors (many of them cubicle) to creative types to produce an affordable and highly-disposable solution.

In 1877, a Seth Wheeler, who owned the Albany Perforated Wrapping Paper Company, began selling Perforated Toilet Paper on a roll. Yes, it was the gift that kept on taking.

So, our relationship with toilet paper has only been brief, but it has also been very up close and personal.

THE BOTTOM LINE

But what I REALLY want to focus on in this article is what the toilet paper frenzy says about where we are at as a civilisation. And, I’m afraid, I don’t have much good news.

The outbreak of the novel coronavirus, or COVID-19, has caused us to ask questions of ourselves, and the answers don’t appear to be all that flattering.

Firstly, we have been asked, “How do we collectively respond to a crisis?”. And the answer seems to be, by and large, “We panic”.

I am not down-playing the seriousness of this disease for one moment. We ALL need to be vigilant at this time. But we need to be vigilant and sensible.

And the truth is there is not one sane reason for stockpiling toilet paper. There is no imminent threat to production or supply.

There is no impending threat that we will all be using great deals more of the stuff. At the time of writing, the number of people who have actually been infected in Australia is 66. That amounts to less than three one-millionths of the population. 

You actually have more chance of having been a contestant on Married At First Sight (100 contestants over the eight seasons to date). And all I’ll say is this: at least people are working on a cure for COVID-19.

I know the number of Coronavirus patients is growing, and will grow for the time being, but I would have hope that a panicked response might not appear until the number was significantly greater (and, hopefully, we can avoid that scenario altogether).

So, we need to wonder why the panic has set in so soon. Is it because of the messaging heard on social media (or the media in general)? Or is it because many people take what they hear through these channels as gospel and don’t put too much effort into thinking things through more deeply?

Is it a worrying sign that people are developing an ever-strengthening herd mentality (which would explain the popularity of Planking, the Kardashians and dancing Gangnam-Style)? Should we be trying harder to teach people the importance of thinking as individuals?

Or is it because of actual fear? The scientific term for the fear of running out of toilet paper is (and I LOVE that there IS a term) "acartohygieiophobia". Perhaps it is more widespread than scientists ever thought.

Secondly, this has been an ethical challenge.

Panic buying of toilet paper seems, on the surface, a harmless panic response (compared to other things that can happen when large groups of people go nuts, such as looting) but that doesn’t hide the fact that it is basically a big “Kiss My Ass!!” to everyone else (so I guess it’s kind of thoughtful that you’re going to such an effort to keep it clean for us).

Too bad, though, for the elderly people, the disabled people and people who simply acted rationally and DIDN’T join the roll rush! If we’ve learned anything about our community from this situation, it is that we live amongst a very large number of people who, when push comes to shove, they will be right there behind us … literally … doing the shoving.

Of course, I exclude from this category anyone with Irritable Bowel Syndrome and the small number of Robin Hood-like folk, who binge-bought and then went distributing their rolls to the needy.

But, discounting those groups of people, if you’re telling yourself that you are proud that you bought two hundred rolls of loo paper in one shop recently, then all you’re doing is blowing smoke up your own backside which, given all your recent purchases, can only constitute a reckless fire hazard.

The real test will be whether people start stealing entire rolls from public rest rooms, or washrooms in restaurants, the work place, schools and the like. Or will we have to have door-people at the entrance way to all of these facilities who hand you your ration of sheets on your way in? 

We really have to ask ourselves how far we are prepared to let society descend. Much like the S-Bend underneath your bowl, once you go past a certain point, there is no turning back.

On the other hand, if you haven’t succumbed to the mob-swab mentality, give yourself a standing ovation. Or a sitting one, if you’re a lady.

SO, WHERE DO WE HEAD FROM HERE?

We’ve already seen fighting in supermarkets over toilet rolls. This raises the spectre of security guards at each end of Aisle 15 at Coles. Nobody wants that.

But the consequences may well go deeper. Sales of prune juice, beans, peas and lentils will plunge. Tables at Indian restaurants will be empty. We’ll do anything to try reduce the number of instances we need to dip into our toilet paper stash.

Perhaps other parts of our culture will change? New homes may be required to install bidets. That will reduce demand for loo paper, but think of the awful strain on our limited water resources!

People may begin to receive invites to dinner parties which will have, after the “RSVP”, “BYO-TP”.

The BRW Rich List may well have to be altered to give more weight to owning rolls than owning an ACTUAL Rolls.

I saw an interesting side-effect just this morning. Outside our local butcher was this sign:

Apart from bringing a wry smile to my face (and perhaps dissuading me from ordering any rump steak) it did restore a little of my faith in humanity to see a wonderful example of the Australian ethos of taking whatever challenges are thrown at us, and dealing with them in a measured, composed and, if possible, slightly irreverent way.

And THAT, right there, is what I would urge we all do in this situation.

COVID-19 is serious. It is a threat. But if we respond to it in measured, composed and, where possible, slightly irreverent ways, we will make it through to the other side in the best shape possible. 

I know some people will be irked that I’ve included the word “irreverent” in there. They will think that, by doing so, I am being flippant, dismissive or disrespectful to those who have been directly caught up in the crisis.

That’s not at all true. In fact, to be honest, I’m actually a little bit scared. So, it’s certainly not the case that I don’t give a crap.

It’s just, when I do, I want to be sensible about it.

The Buttocks.

Oh. I’m sorry.

The End.

DARREN ISENBERG IS ONE OF AUSTRALIA'S BEST-LOVED MC'S AND SPEAKERS ON POSITIVE INFLUENCE. CHECK OUT HIS WEBSITE AT www.dipresents.com.au