Gaining Freedom Through Emancipation (Part 2)

Someone once said,

“Pay attention when people react with anger and hostility to your boundaries. You have found the edge where their respect for you ends”

If we observe the coldness emanating from a toxic person, the first factor to keep in mind is that it is not about us but that it is a reflection of who they are. Such individuals are also, if observed closely not surprisingly happy either. Imagine in their place if we were cheerfully spouting words that cause harm and hurt, how can we possibly be in a state of happiness or contentment? 

One of the best lessons that a toxic relationship taught me to was to love myself, accept who I am – both my flaws and appreciable qualities. While our consciousness of desirable improvement is crucial, the acceptance and respect for ourselves are critical for growth and development. The deterioration of this disruptive relationship also led me to seeking what my purpose in life was. My prerogative in life underwent a tremendous metamorphosis after my shattered broken relationship. Till then it was nothing beyond what I could see and observe, but this experience drove me to think about existence and life in greater depth. I was reluctant initially to accept the obvious toxicity initially because of the relationship. Yet, to my frustration, I never seemed to be doing the appropriate actions or saying the right things and things got so bad that I started to dread the thought of meeting this person. That was when the enormity of the negativity the person had cast over my life through the relationship revealed itself to me.

The first step in the process of relieving the control a toxic person has over our lives is by not believing them. Negative individuals can destroy self-esteem and confidence through their communication and actions with us. To stop them from doing so is by being judicious about the observations they make about us, what we do and about the observations, others are known to make about us. Is there proof? If not, it's fine to ignore such declarations.

The second fact that we need to accept in this relationship is that we can never be 100% right or defend ourselves successfully with them in any situation. They would always (according to them) be right.

The third step is that none of their mistakes needs to be considered by us with compassion or reasoning. I had made that mistake and I realize that though benevolence is a desirable trait to nurture, it ought not be misplaced. It is also wise to remember that their errors and problems have nothing to do with us. If our desire to help them has only been met with contempt, allowing them to lead their life with their toxicity is the best course of action.

In cases where the toxic people concerned are family it gets undoubtedly challenging but not hopeless. The nature of the relationship should make no difference to us. Minimizing our interactions and expectations is key if cutting the relationship is impossible. Toxic relationships teach us the importance of being assertive. In such relationships, we can comprehend just how critical it is to say no at the right time. During my childhood, I knew an elderly lady who was one of the sweetest ladies I’ve ever come across. She was so accommodating that I had never heard her complain or even speak harshly to get her objective across. Years later, before her demise, she continued her uncomplaining stance but I could see the sorrow in her eyes of having lost much, exploited as a widow by her family and worse of all having been ignored and forgotten by her children.

Married in her mid twenties and widowed soon after, she never in her life ever spoke out for her desires or wants but lead a life of what pleased others around her. In her case, even her children created such a toxic existence for her that she would utter no word but quietly cry every time I would see her during my summer holidays. No amount of my coaxing would get a response from her except the tears that would fall silently on her cheeks in silence. Toxic relationships teach us the importance of being assertive. Through that elderly lady's life, we can comprehend just how critical it is to say no at the right time, especially amidst toxic relationships. She is also a reminder that being part of a blood-related family need not make us happy if the relationship is toxic.

The manipulations that result from toxic relationship is also another reason why we need to stop the importance of such relationships in our life. The continuous cycle of apologies and justifications such relationships demand from us can be draining and worth none of our time and effort. The less we seek their approval, the better it is for our growth and learning. The most important reason to reduce our interactions with toxic individuals to the bare minimum is that unless we don’t, we will never be able to achieve the realization of our potential in life. Negativity in any form can lead us away from our purpose, and goals, Whether the negativity is in the form of people, habits or addictions, it needs to be overcome. Letting go of toxic people is about caring and respecting ourselves, becoming happier and being at peace.  

It also a gateway to finding who we are and becoming who we are truly meant to be.