The Gain in Loss

Over the past few months, I’ve experienced and am anticipating different types of loss.

In some instances, it was clear I was dealing with loss: a client’s loss of a job, or a loss of a promotion, or the loss of a close family member.

In other situations, it wasn’t apparent, until I was able to dig deeper and realize the losses were personal to me: the loss of children - heading overseas to study, the temporary loss of mobility due to an injury, or the loss of a community as friends move away.

I started this post over a month ago and have been returning to it sporadically.

I’m still working through the meaning of all the loss - and have still not come fully to terms with the impact of these losses.

I wanted to share some of the reflections here, namely the types of loss all leaders experience – and ways in which they can choose to handle this – and in the process, perhaps perceive a gain.

Perspectives on Loss

Here are a few common forms of loss that most of us experience at some stage in our careers.

Loss of Position

Maybe you lose your job, or a project you want to lead, or your informal position as the confidante of the CEO or other senior executive.

Is this one of the most difficult losses to accept as a leader?

Typically, your position is a major part of your identity – and losing that can cause you to question who you are – even your worth.

If you’ve ever experienced this – can you remember the emotions and thoughts that accompanied this loss - especially if you didn’t want to lose that position?

Perhaps a mixture of:

• Annoyance - It’s unfair
• Self-doubt - Did I deserve this?
• Embarrassment - What will people think?
• Worry - What will I do? How will the team cope?
• Envy - Someone else is taking my place!
• Disgust – Someone else gets to ‘own’ my achievements!

And probably a whole range of emotions besides these.

Loss of a Key Stakeholder

Perhaps a key team member decides to move on, or your sponsor, who is more senior in the business, or a high performing member on your project.

It’s a typical reaction to feel dejected, maybe worried, by their departure.

We tend to think we won’t find someone as good to replace them.

Loss of a Value

Have you worked in an organization or a team and been motivated by a unifying value or sense of purpose?

You’re aligned behind a meaningful goal, underscored by this value, and it motivates you.

Maybe it’s a project that unites diverse stakeholders, or a project that allows people to demonstrate their true potential, or learn new skills.

And then the project is cancelled, or its direction is completely changed, based on a less worthy goal or a less motivating value.

Loss of a Trait – or State

Perhaps you have always been recognized as the innovative team member, or the leader with the most creative ideas.

And then maybe you propose a run of ideas that don’t bear fruit. Or maybe someone joins the team who is seen as being even more creative than you are.

You fall from the pedestal.

You’re still creative, just not as creative as the new person.

Loss of the Status Quo

It’s a well-documented fact that people fear loss more than they value a gain. Losing the status quo is a worrying situation for many people.

When the status quo changes – when discomfort is introduced into the environment, we typically feel impending loss (unless of course, the change is clearly needed).

This loss can be in your professional or personal life – children leaving home, moving house, relocating to a different city or country. It’s all loss and it can be disturbing, upsetting and unsettling.

What’s the Gain?

I’m not suggesting you skip over the loss you feel in these situations. It’s important to reflect on the loss and understand why you valued what you perceive to be losing so much.

But perhaps it’s also an opportunity to open the door to possibility.

What are the lessons you can take from loss?

Gain from Losing a Position

It’s an opportunity to reflect on how it came to this. What were the signals?

Were you clearly underperforming – and if yes, what held you back from rectifying this?

Was it a role you had grown out of but felt guilty leaving the team or the organization.

Maybe you were listening to others’ voices more than your own: It’s such a great position, why would you ever leave!

What are the lessons to take from this? Will you be more aware when the same signals arise in future?

And what are the opportunities this loss affords?

Will you take time to assess what is most important to you in your career, and more broadly in your life?

Gain from Losing a Key Stakeholders

We tend to lament the loss of team members, imagining that their successors will never be as effective or as friendly.

And maybe the successor won’t initially be as impactful – but what’s your role in ensuring they do quickly perform and scale in that position?

Gain from Losing a Value

When a value you treasure is overlooked, or worse, violated, what does this mean? Is this a short-term fix or a long-term reorientation?

We can become sucked into such changes, believing this is just a one-off, or this is just a quick fix for now.

Shared values create trust and purpose. If these are lost, how will you maintain momentum?

Gain from a Loss of State or Trait

When you’re no longer the star negotiator, or the wizard with excel, or the master communicator, how can you perceive that as a gain?

Does this rally you to be even better? Do you double down on your stand-out skills and ensure you enhance them?

Or do you look to new pastures – teams where your skills are valued, or new skills to master?

Gain from a Change in the Status Quo

It’s become a cliche to remark that the only constant is change. Whilst this is clearly true, is it helpful to remind people of this when they are facing a change they really aren’t comfortable with?

As with any change, it may or may not work out.

• What role will you play in the success or failure of the initiative?
• Can you modify your approach to benefit yourself and others?
• If you are typically a resistor of change, can you first focus on the positives and opportunities the change may bring?

Can you consider what the hurdles to change might be – and how you can mitigate these?

It’s easy to advocate for the status quo, but hardly inspirational to your team members.

The Other Losses

And what about the losses outside of work – the ones that can impact your emotional state whenever you think about them?

Can you reflect on the different perspectives associated with these?

My children heading off to the UK to study this summer brings me moments of sadness and anxiety – but also feelings of joy and anticipation.

They are heading off to new adventures.

There is gain in loss. It can be difficult to see at times – and difficult to accept.

At those times, what will you focus on and how will you get smarter with your feelings?

Andrea Stone is an Executive Coach and Educator, working with leaders and their teams in global technology-driven organizations to create value, improve performance and achieve self-defined success.

? Andrea Stone, Stone Leadership