Funerals in the Time of Corona

During the start of the lockdown I called an old friend to see how they were coping. They shared some sad news. My friend’s father passed away just two weeks ago. The ceremony could only be attended by five family members and due to social distancing they had to sit in different parts of the room during the service. Worse none of the family could physically comfort her mother who was visibly suffering from the terrible loss.

Ceremonies around important life milestones such as birth, marriage and death have followed familiar patterns for hundreds, if not thousands, of years. But these familiar rites of passage with extended family and friends at their heart are being severely shaken by Covid-19. While weddings are being postponed and babies can be born with only a couple of people present, funerals obviously need to continue in some form, and families want very much to be able to gather and say goodbye.

After speaking to my friend we got in contact with two funeral celebrants to find out how they, and families, are adapting during these times.

Hilary Steel, a funeral celebrant from Kent, says face to face contact has always been an essential element to her role. She begins by visiting families at home which helps establish a relationship before the service takes place. “They may already have met the Funeral Director,” she says, “but I am the face in the crowd they look to for guidance on the day.”

But under lockdown, crowds and home visit are both off limits. To get around this, Hilary has moved initial meetings online or via the phone. “If they are tech savvy we will do a video call so at least there is some visual contact,” she says. “If not, the ceremony is organised over the phone and via email.”  

During the actual service only immediate family members are currently permitted to be there in person. And for those able to attend, “the process upon arrival has now totally changed,” says Hilary.

"There is no affection, no touching [or] shaking hands, which goes against the very core of being human.” 

For those unable to be there, services are streamed online to allow other friends and relatives to say goodbye and be a part of the funeral, albeit in a virtual way. Hilary is determined that even though practices have temporarily changed, people get the best send-off possible. She is helping families get through it by trying to “boost them up” and keeping things as a celebration of life. “I aim to give the same ceremony with one person there or 100 people. Everyone, in my opinion, deserves that kind of attention on their final journey,” she says.

Julia Page, who works as a funeral celebrant in South Wales and runs funeral planning website, mywaytogo.io agrees that ceremonies feels very different at the moment. She explained that

"Mourners are not allowed to touch the coffin and “the funeral directors all look a bit sinister, as they have to wear masks and gloves.”

Some have suggested getting together at a later date once coronavirus is brought under control and life returns to some kind of normality. But Julia isn’t sure this will work. “I don’t think everyone will want to revisit that grief later on,” she says, which is why it’s so important to help families through this difficult time now. “Even within the restrictions, we can do a ceremony that gives the family comfort and closure they need.”

Julia has noticed that smaller ceremonies have created much more intimate and beautiful services. With traditional services there are “usually 50 - 100 people present and I would tell the story of the person’s life,” she says. But the smaller gatherings of up to ten people can be “really beautiful". They are much more about the essence of the person rather than their CV.” She has also noticed a change in what people wear with an emphasis on brighter colours to celebrate the person’s life. Song choices too, she says, have changed in response to the current circumstances, with “more intimate songs” chosen instead of something played to please the crowd.It’s fair to say that Coronavirus has turned most aspects of life upside down, but the ways people have quickly learned to adapt and be of use to others can be life-affirming. The new restrictions have made both Julia and Hilary determined to make the experience as positive as possible.

“Change is something we either can or can’t deal with,” says Hilary, “but for the sake of those who have passed, I will continue to look for ways to ease the burden they have whilst in limbo land, that time between someone dying and the final, physical goodbye.”