The Fundamental Owner-Employee Conflict: Why And How To Stop It

Of all the various flavors of conflict that business owners find themselves in with employees, there is one that I have found to recur in business after business. I've begun to call this the Fundamental Owner-Employee Conflict, and it involves a single storyline that both owners and employees believe. The story goes like this: "You should appreciate me more than you do." 

Now, while this story might actually be true in some cases (e.g. an employee rarely, if ever, receives positive feedback on his or her performance), when people hold to this story, they will consistently watch for any signs that they are not being valued or appreciated, they will tend to filter out any signs that the opposite is true, and they will gradually build resentment and anger toward the other party. 

In my work helping owners and employees rebuild trust with one another, I have seen this time and time again. I have experienced it personally in my own company. And I believe there is one absolute key to mitigating this problem: Owners must drop the story!  

Why Owners Should Drop the Story

Business owners and CEOs often have the experience of feeling underappreciated. "No one ever tells me I'm doing a good job," they complain. Or: "They should feel lucky to work here. But do they ever tell me how grateful they are? Nope!" I've had thoughts like these myself, but after years as an entrepreneur, I've come to one conclusion: Get used to it. You're the boss, and that’s the price you pay for being a business owner. 

Your job is to support, appreciate, and listen to your staff. And while it is, of course, important for your staff to treat you with respect and value your direction, it is not their job to shower you with gratitude. If you receive the occasional accolade from them, that's a great bonus. But expecting appreciation, demanding it, and resenting your staff for not delivering it will set you up for disappointment and conflict. 

Why should you not expect such accolades? You've made a tradeoff: a very important exchange of value that negates an expectation of reciprocal appreciation. You've traded gratitude for power. You get all the power. They get all the gratitude. This power dynamic dramatically shifts the balance of appreciative reciprocity. You ultimately get to determine who works for you, how much they earn, when you and others work, what the business should be doing, and on and on. In opting to work for you, your employees have given you this power. At any moment, you and your employees intuitively understand that you can cut off their main source of income—their resources—if you so choose. This is a lot of power, and it is not to be taken for granted. In exchange for giving you this power, your employees deserve your appreciation, not the other way around. You don't get power and appreciation. Only one or the other. 

How to Mitigate the Fundamental Owner-Employee Conflict

As the owner, if you understand and accept that you've made this trade off—appreciation for power—it will be your job to abolish the story from your mindset. Here are a few tips to mitigate the fundamental conflict.

1. Do not indulge the story. If you notice that pesky story creeping into your thoughts (i.e. “They should appreciate me more. They should be grateful to work here.”), halt! Ban it from the kingdom of your mind. Replace it with something more fruitful and realistic, such as, “It’s not their job to bolster my ego. It’s not their job to prop me up. That’s my job. How can I show appreciation for them today?”
2. Set up a system for positive feedback and appreciation toward staff. So, you’re working on abolishing the story from your mind. That’s great! But now, to diminish the conflict, you’ll also have to show workers appreciation. Remember, they’ve given you the power, and so it’s your turn to reciprocate. What have you done or can you do to show your staff gratitude? Perhaps set up a monthly reminder for yourself to do something nice for each person and for the whole staff. When commenting on something you’re grateful for, be specific; tell them exactly what they did or are doing well and exactly how it has positive effects. Do this regularly!
3. Find others who can appreciate and support you emotionally. CEOs and owners often say it’s a lonely world at the top. But it doesn’t have to be. While you can provide a support system for your employees, you should also find your own support system. This could be close friends and family, fellow business owners and colleagues, or an executive coach. Get the support and appreciation you need and deserve from others in your life, not your employees.
4. Appreciate and value yourself. We’re all human (yes, even tough business leaders), and all humans need to feel appreciated and valued. People often crave attention and acknowledgment from others and yet do not give it to themselves. In fact, those who crave it most often discount and doubt their own self-worth—hence, the need for constant approval. Do yourself a favor and take time to appreciate yourself! Pat yourself on the back regularly. For the hard work you do, for the things you are accomplishing, for the food you put on the table, for the way you figure out how to keep a business running every day. It’s not easy. It deserves recognition and acknowledgment. And I would suggest that only YOU can give yourself accolades to the level you crave.
5. Read about leadership. A lot of research in the field of leadership skills and practices has emerged over the last 50 years, leading to hundreds of programs for leadership development. Unfortunately, many people get promoted through the ranks or decide to start a business without ever learning how to lead. Healthy and productive leadership skills don’t come naturally, at least not for most. If you haven't done the research and acquired some leadership training, you're destined to experience workplace resolution conflicts. I would highly suggest looking into books and programs that teach transformational leadership and servant leadership, or getting help from workplace conflict resolution services.

Understanding the fundamental owner-employee conflict, and taking steps to mitigate it, can save you from the many debilitating consequences of problems between you and your staff. This was a lesson I learned the hard way over many years as a business owner, and while I'm not always perfect at it, I'm constantly trying to get better. For your sake and the sake of your company, try your best to do the same.

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My book, Conflict Resolution Playbook: Practical Communication Skills for Preventing, Managing, and Resolving Conflict, is now available on Amazon and other retailers. For more in-depth skill-building, my company offers conflict resolution training and communications skills training. I also offer Conflict Coaching directly to individuals and organizations.

This article was originally published on Forbes.com.