Empathy "de-bunked!"

#Empathy is often misunderstood as "#kindness" or "simply being nice". What most people don't know is how much harm empathy can cause if it is misused. There are a lot of cliches that come up when Empathy is explained, and quite often it is used as something interchangable with the word "sympathy". I want to de-bunk these very serious misunderstandings from my perspective and learnings.

Oxford Dictionary defines sympathy as "feelings of pity and sorrow for someone else's misfortune." The origins of the word lies in the Greek words "sun" which means "with" and "pathos" which means "feeling". In other words, sympathy means "with feeling".

In contrast, empathy is defined by the same dictionary as "the ability to understand and share the feelings of another." The original Greek root is "em" which means "in" + "pathos", "feeling". "In feeling".

This definition in itself doesn't really explain the difference between the two words; however the Greek root words do hint at something deeper.

The over-use of the word emapthy, in our world of social media for topics such as personal and interpersonal relationships, workplace leadership, transformation, entrepreneurship and innovation has simply been getting lost in translation! This is causing more harm than good, in my point of view. More and more people are losing their balance. We live in a day and age of hyper social media focused on only the outward image, showing up and showing off, instant gratification with the attention span of a goldfish. And it is time to put things straight! To cultivate empathy is to go against this grain; without resentment.

Empathy does not mean to "just be nice" or "feel other people's pain". Empathy means to understand that everyone, including ourselves, carry inherint, conscious and unconscious bias. And the ability to actively step out of that bias, to understand the other/opposing perspective; without feeling defensive or insecure is something that ventures into emapthy. This aspect is more like a skill that can be learned and developed.

Another meaning of empathy is about energetic empathy and sensitivity; the ability to read other people (hence their biases) without ever formally interacting or conversing. I feel this aspect of empathy is a gift, a blessing. This is best explained by moments where you strike up a conversation with a stranger and end up feeling like they have known you forever. A lot of this has to do with energy; also a topic we will visit at another time.

The last aspect of empathy I want to mention briefly here is the inward facing empathy, or self empathy. Without this self empathy, any extended empathy outwards is short lived. Hence, this is very important, if not the most important aspect of empathy to cultivate and often the least talked about.

Misapplied empathy is the #1 cause of burnout!

I feel no one should talk about Empathy without first talking about burnout. Burnout is a sort of "qualifier" to get into the 2nd level Empathy training. Redirect your burnout towards your growth! First, let's explore burnout:

This is my way to forewarn others... like myself. I wish I had these insights shared with me earlier on. There have been many phases, the ups and downs, that come and go like seasons. The ebb and flow of life on this planet cannot be denied. The distinct nature of burnout is when that balance breaks! It creeps up on you in a way that is very hard to call out as a "foreign invader" because unlike something from outside that can be detected; burnout grows from within you, slowly, like a delayed release poison of some sorts; (or a virus!) and at some point, takes over. This process what I call the "germination of burnout" is in the making in some people for weeks, months, years or even decades. It all depends on our ability to wake up and identify that something unusual has transpired. Something that is not natural. Something that feels heavy. And is not going away with our usual self care rituals. Something too deep to be tackled by a spa day or retail therapy.

Most people give up at this stage. Most people would rather avoid the problem and pretend it doesn't exist; than to actually confront it. This is why it can take years to find out. I am not sure if it is fortunate or unfortunate that the world events in the past year 2020 have served to be a catalyst for most people; to wake up, to realize something is amiss, to change.

For me, there was a point a few years ago where I felt like I could not out-run this "thing" that I did not even know was called burnout.

This invisible force made me feel bogged down, manipulated, sidelined, unappreciated, resentful and extremely fatigued by everything. I remember a time before I got very sick; where even walking up a flight of stairs felt like a huge battle. I literally felt like a warrior or a soldier, carrying a heavy load uphill. This was not normal for me. I used to be the energetic, cheerful and joyful person. I still had a great life, and a lot to be grateful for: a loving husband, adorable kids, a great work environment. I had a nurturing support system in place, my parents, siblings, friends. I worked out, spent time outdoors, traveled, I enjoyed cooking! I was doing everything to ensure balance like any one else. Yet, despite all that normalcy there came these physical manifestations of burnout; which were very real. These are little early warning triggers that need attention; otherwise they can become very big and risky health issues.

These cliches that I want to demystify today may prove to be helpful for you if you have felt like you're on the outer edges of burnout; are at the cusp of crumbling down... or if you look at the mirror but you truly don't recognize your reflection anymore: the face you see is trying to keep it all together on the surface yet there is this raging fire! If you are sensing anger building up, an unrest, a storm that is forming inside that can no longer be avoided... STOP KIDDING YOURSELF. These are triggers that are coming up at this very perfect moment in your life for a reason.

Do yourself a favor and take some time out: get some support or help, something that works for you. You know best what is going to work for you. This is the single best thing you can do: INVEST in yourself. You are your biggest asset :) and the ROI on this investment is exponential. This burnout can be the one thing that catapults you towards immense growth. Don't resent yourself or think you are being too emotionally weak. There's nothing wrong with needing some support or healing at any time. We are social beings and love community and thrive because we are able to depend on one another. Take the **** and turn it into something beneficial and beautiful. Transform and Alchemize / AlKemize your X.

I want to start a movement that mandates caveats, disclaimers or warnings should be applied everytime the word empathy is used, to prevent more people from falling into the trap.

Cliche #1 - "Be selfless..." [I admit, this does have a nice ring to it... to "be selfless". It sure does beat "being selfish". But what happens if you're being selfless without filling up your reserves first? You will get depleted. ]

Being selfless is a great virtue, however, it is a virtue for a reason: because it is something to be attained. You won't survive servicing others if you are not able to first take care of yourself. What is the point of being selfless if you die in the first round of any fight? Yes, the goal is to become selfless but the key is to ensure that you don't run out of energy. There are many ways to re-charge: stillness, prayer, nature, workout, meditation, Tai Chi, etc. Find your own groove.

Please do note that in these aspirational moments of "becoming selfless" you will find yourself and your true purpose. Then giving in that cause will itself become the source of energy. My coach Taniya Hussain always says "What burns you out also fires you up". Paradox #1. We will talk about paradoxes another time.

Make the burnout work for your own benefit: If you're already burnt out, extend yourself love and support to find the root cause. We are human and have our own vulnerabilities, trauma, beliefs, truths and spiritual aspirations. Chances are the causes of burnout are reasons that are close to your heart. Explore the "reasons" and turn them into something that fire you up into an unextinguishable force! With proper strategy, planning and execution this is achievable!

Cliche #2 - "Walk in other people's shoes..." [yet, how might we train ourselves to not forget; that we have our own journey to walk on too.]

Most Empaths sacrifice their own path in order to accompany others; and they end up getting lost...

Try to find a route that leads towards the destination you are heading towards too, a common path. So you can accompany your fellow traveller for as long as it makes sense.

Or, if the other person's shoe starts to hurt after a while, remember to take them off and gently hand them back. Else, you will be injured and won't even be able to carry on yourself. You will likely be left behind in a state where you'll be reduced to crawling.

However, there may come a fork in the road where you exchange a loving goodbye; and head off towards the direction you want to go. OR it may be that your fellow traveler deviates from your path (maybe takes an off road path) for a while only to merge back on your journey. We should allow for these types of diversions and merges in our journey, in a loving manner. Do remember: we do not control our fellow travelers. We only control our own trajectory.

Cliche #3 - "Feel other people's pain..." [but don't forget to shed the pain you take on instinctly or intuitively that may not be your own. If you can't tell what is your own and what is someone else's; then you're in for disaster!]

Don't become a dumping ground for other people's burdens which are not yours to carry.

Share the load, sure; but not at the cost of your own wellbeing. No wonder most empaths feel "weighed down". They cannot decipher what is theirs and what is not.

I felt it was necessary to bring up these common cliches that come up when people propagate and promote empathy without proper disclaimers. Empathy can be a WORLD game changer; if it can be sought, learned, understood and applied.

Sue Rumack from Courageous Path is an expert on Empathy; she is a Master Jedi trainer and has some wonderful resources for free as well. Explore and find out!

Here's to debunking Empathy! Please share your experiences and thoughts in the comments below. I'd love to hear them!