Frustration…A Close Relation to Fear?

Watching my daughter get frustrated during her riding lesson reminded me to think about how I show up when I’m frustrated and what might be at the root of it. We are bound to get frustrated about something at some point in time…and maybe frustrated a lot about a lot of things in our life, particularly in years of additional stressors like a pandemic, inflation, war, equity issues, etc. If you have not been frustrated at some point this year (or even this week), I want to talk about your Zen approach.

Let’s talk about why we get frustrated. I think it boils down to a few core reasons:

• We’re busy, and things aren’t all fitting together in the time slots we want them to;
• Something goes off track that we didn’t expect or plan for;
• Something’s not working the way it’s supposed to…or someone isn’t doing what we want them to do (a small child, a horse, a partner, etc.).

These scenarios have a common underpinning motivation…we’re afraid of what happens when something doesn’t go right.?

• Will we be judged as not being able to manage our time effectively?
• Will we be judged for not being able to handle our relationships effectively?
• Will we be judged that we didn’t plan well enough?
• Will we be thought less of by others?

By thinking about these things and worrying about them, we start getting angry with ourselves for screwing up and start thinking less of ourselves. Then it shows up in our words and actions. We’re not really mad about the situation; we’re mad at ourselves for letting our fear of what others think to show up as frustration.

What can we do when we get frustrated?

• We can give up on the task – “I just can’t do this.”
• We can get mad at the person or the situation and say/do things we may not intend; OR
• We can pause, take a few deep breaths, take a time out and reassess how to move forward.

Sometimes the biggest gifts we can give ourselves are a few deep breaths and an adult time out. Moving away from the situation can be powerful, even for a few minutes.

My takeaways…

• There will always be situations and people that may frustrate us.
• We own our reaction to those situations. Leaning into the frustration will likely only make the situation feel worse.
• We must understand that fear of how we’re perceived may be the root of our frustration and dig into what is really bothering us.

Think about the last situation where you were frustrated.

Did you recognize the root cause?

How did you show up?

Do you want to show up differently next time?

The good news is…we can always do better the next time. And, we can always make it a learning moment for those around us by acknowledging that we didn’t do it as well as we wished we had.

Pay attention today to the situations that are starting to frustrate you. Show up as the best leader of you that you can be.