The Front Lines Of Infertility

I have a couple nearby me (neighborhood ish) who had also struggled with fertility for a while, much like my wife and I have since (checks notes) early 2021 or so. It is always an interesting dynamic to be in friendships or acquaintanceships with people “of fertility age” who actively would like kids, because you always know it might pop for them at some point — and obviously, when it pops for them, everything will change about their life and commitments, and probably your connection to them as a result. And I’d just like to emphasize that this is not a bad thing. Your life and priorities should change upon having a child. I am not arguing that you need to claw back into friendships when a newborn is involved, although I do think too many new parents these days seem to do it on their own (or follow some bullshit person on IG) and don’t let their community friends help them. I digress.

Anyway, over the summer it seemed like this other couple was getting close to getting over the hump. We saw them at some street fair art festival in maybe late June, and she was beaming, and her mom and her were giggling about everything under the sun, and she didn’t drink when we stopped at some place. That was pretty much a slam dunk for me, but they invited themselves over to our house the next day (a Sunday) and we made them smash burgers.

Thankfully, we got the news out pretty early, because it was fairly obvious to all four people involved in this meal what the meal was. When you belabor (ha, good word choice) the announcement, it’s very forced and awkward. We got to that quickly, which was positive.

Overall I would say the dinner and conversation that followed was supportive, but a few notable things always pop at these events when you’re struggling to conceive. Let me outline just 3–4 quickly:

• The timeline changes: I can tell you for a virtually-assured fact that this couple was “trying” in 2022, largely because fertility was almost all the wife discussed in late 2022, including sending around podcasts about maximizing fertility. My wife and I went to Fiji in April 2023 (humble brag), and on our second-to-last day there, we found out that some IVF embryos weren’t viable. The husband actually had texted me right when I returned about that whole process and their arc. So, clearly there was “trying” involved. But at the smash burgers dinner, which was June 2024, he said they had been “trying” for six months. I don’t understand why Men shift the timeline on fertility, but I also completely understand why. I’ve had six different guys lie to me about their arc of “trying” to make it seem like a smaller window, when their wife was telling my wife, “It took us 3.5 years.”
• The length of stay: Normally on these things, you get the announcement and then you eat and you hug and say the requisite, “I hope it happens for you” part and that’s it. Probably 90 minutes. They stayed 4.5 hours. While I like ’em and it was mostly OK conversation, it felt awkward by the middle to end.
• The back-end: On the back-end of this dinner, a former neighbor of ours found out she (I don’t say “we” or “they” as men don’t carry babies) was pregnant, and congratulated her. I didn’t tell said former neighbor, and still don’t know who did. I got a series of texts and phone calls from this couple — I had never once received a phone call from the guy, as male-male relationships are not often phone-friendly — asking me why I did this. I understand wanting to control the narrative of announcing your blessing, but it was weird and accusatory.

That kid is due in February. Still friends with ’em, although who knows what that looks like in a year. If they need to run out and stick an infant with someone, I am game.

I write stuff like this just so people who don’t experience this stuff can understand a little bit of what it’s like — an awkward, long dance of “Is it happening for them?” and then how things will inevitably shift, and you as the “non-kids” one will feel “left behind” and be accused of being “selfish” for not having kids, etc, etc. And the masculine shift in time frame of trying is always a nice cherry on top, too.

Like I have said in other posts, the fertility of 1–2 people amounts to literally nothing in the grand scheme of history, and no one will care in 10 years, if they even care nowadays. We’re irrelevant in that sense, but very relevant as human beings in other ways. But there’s a lot of empathy that is lacking in fertility + having kids discussions, and I’m just trying to show a little of the other side, for those who don’t have to think about it.

If you have kids, be it one or many, I obviously wish you the best as parents and remaining true to yourselves and your relationship when stuff gets crazy.