From trapped to finding freedom

This is definitely one of those blogs I’ve been putting off for a while knowing full well it’s my personal ‘elephant in the room’. This topic and story formed a big part of my therapy sessions and journey but the idea of sharing this publicly makes my stomach turn a little. It feels rather exposing and I’d be lying if there wasn’t feelings of shame rearing it’s head but this is exactly why I have to talk about this. It’s something that I believe goes largely unknown unless 1) you end up in therapy (often when it’s too late) 2) you’ve heard about it from someone else (like I did) 3) you’re a bit of a therapy and psychology nerd (like me). 

A few years back I came across the term ‘co-dependency’ through someone that I know who was in therapy and well the curious person in me having felt like there were one too many things resonating, went and did my own research. I remember thinking, “well this does sound familiar”. However I never took it very seriously, maybe because I didn’t want to acknowledge it in my life or maybe because it wasn’t really affecting my life, or so I thought. When I went back to therapy in December of last year and I had my first initial session, I went in with my list of things that I presumed were causing me distress of which one was “I think I’m in a co-dependent relationship.”

Let's be real, I had the dysfunctional family, psychological abuse and emotional neglect concoction to fit right into the profile of someone that is co-dependent. So let’s start with what exactly co-dependency is. It’s commonly known or associated to spouses of alcoholics, first called co-alcoholic, however over time it has evolved to being talked about more broadly as research revealed that the characteristics of co-dependents were a lot more common in society. Co-dependency relationships is where one person supports or enables another person's addiction, poor mental health, immaturity, irresponsibility, or under-achievement. Among the core characteristics of co-dependency, the most common theme is an excessive reliance on other.”

Here are the 5 signs of co-dependency that I personally encountered when learning about it.

1.     Loss of Identity

Co-dependency started off in childhood before it appeared in my romantic relationships. As a child I was not taught autonomy and instead I was taught dependency when it came to relationships dynamics, a 'you can't survive without me' belief etched in me. When you’re in a co-dependent relationship you’re not two separate healthy humans you’re two unhealthy humans that have somehow meshed into one, where you don’t know where one begins and the other ends. So your sense of identity becomes completely non-existent. And often I felt like I existed in order to be there for that person, so much so my identity was entirely tied to the other person. My life for the most part has revolved around other people versus taking care of myself and understanding what I needed, which brings me onto the next point. 

2.     Sacrificing your needs

This has probably been the hardest part of being in co-dependent relationships. Firstly even as simple as acknowledging I had needs was new. This might sound really normal to the average person but when your needs haven’t been met as a child, let me tell you, you’re not even aware that you have needs as an adult! Once you understand you have needs and more importantly, that you shouldn’t feel guilty of having them, you have to navigate the next hurdle and that’s voicing them. Again this may seem easy however, if you’re in a co-dependent relationship this, pardon my French, is where the shit hits the fan! Because the other persons needs become your priority and in a way trump anything that you need. 

“No” became a very difficult word to say.

3.     No boundaries

Boundaries were equally tricky to learn about as I had to educate myself about them as an adult. It was something I wasn’t taught or shown because boundaries didn’t exist at all in my family dynamics. I didn’t even know what they were, let alone how to put them in place. That meant that I would bend over backwards always for those that I love, even if it meant at my own expense. That also meant that the other person had no regard for where there needs ended and mine began. It was also a difficult process learning to put boundaries in place as similarly to voicing my needs, there was always a lot of kick back to deal with because the other person didn’t want those to be put in place or to respect them. 

4.     Activating shame 

Alongside therapy I was on Brené Brown’s, Daring Greatly course which helped me realise just how much shame there was throughout my life both past and present at the time and it quickly became apparent that co-dependency and shame went hand in hand. The more I discussed shame with my therapist, the more co-dependency came up and vice versa. Shame gets a whole lotta complicated in co-dependency because not only was past shame from childhood being activated the perpetrator is only reinforcing the shame that they feel which is why they are behaving in a certain way that activates the shame of the other person and then you end up in this toxic cycle of shame where no one wins. 

5.     Feeling trapped

I felt suffocated, controlled and manipulated. There was no room for me to exist as I am, to have my own thoughts and ideas or to just be. Whenever there was a whiff of wanting to spread my wings and fly, arguments arose and I stopped voicing what I wanted in order to avoid the confrontation. My therapist described it beautifully, she had said “Alex you’re like a butterfly, with all these beautiful colours and unusual patterns and when someone finds you they put a net over you so you can’t fly away.” I remember hearing those words and feeling them so deeply, I had spent most of my life living under a net, trying to fly and constantly damaging my wings in my attempts for freedom. 

Breaking free of co-dependency meant ending those relationships, which I eventually did. However they were endings that were both physically and emotionally painful. People with co-dependent tendencies usually have a fear of abandonment and so moving on is an unpleasant process. Part of the wobble I had a few weeks back, I believe stems from removing the co-dependent relationships in my life. It’s been a huge shift for me as I’ve been in co-dependent relationships for most of my life. Moving abroad has provided me the opportunity to really learn what it means to be me separate to anyone, to have found the freedom this butterfly was seeking and to take care of my needs in a way I have never allowed myself to and for that I’m really proud.

With love and care,

#AuthenticAlex

Resources: 

CODA: I personally didn’t attend these but I know that it’s a great resource to many. Same format as AA but for Co-dependency.

Co-dependency Books: Two books that my therapist recommended that were excellent

1)    Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself

2)    Facing Codependence: What It Is, Where It Comes from, How It Sabotages Our Lives

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Due to the importance mental health stories has played in my own journey of healing and hope, I'm going to be collecting stories of peoples mental health journeys. I want to grow From Trauma to Triumph so you're not only hearing my voice and my stories. If you would like to share, please email me less than 1,200 words with a title. You also need to specify if you want it to be shared anonymously or not. Please email it to me at alex@authenticalex.com by the 31st December.

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About me: Hi I’m Alex, after experiencing a quarter-life crisis I decided to leave the corporate world and create my own definition of success. On the day I left that job I wrote a post that went viral on LinkedIn. 

Since then I've been named LinkedIn Top Voice UK twice and have worked with companies such as Deloitte, Shell, Dyson, BP and Fiverr all through building my own Thought Leadership on LinkedIn

By day I help people grow their presence on LinkedIn, helping them find their sense of purpose and tell their own stories. By night I turn into a superhero keynote speaker and blogger under the hashtag #AuthenticAlex, knocking down one stigma at a time! 

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