From Survival to Strength: Letting Go and Moving Forward
Letting go isn't just about walking away; it's about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we may have unknowingly surrendered. It's also about recognising when something no longer serves us—a job, environment, habit, or relationship—and knowing when to step away.
The Journey Begins: A Commitment to Healing
Yesterday, I shared a post celebrating recent successes with a few personal challenges (including cold showers and sea swimming) as part of an intensive, three-week therapy journey for mental health recovery. This journey has involved a multi-modal approach, combining exposure and cognitive behavioural therapies to address obsessive-compulsive behaviours, challenge false narratives and self-beliefs and rewire my thoughts and feelings to ensure I can take actions that are more aligned with my authentic self.
I've been learning techniques to manage hyper-anxiety and panic, committing daily to practices that help regulate my nervous system and overcome fear. The primary goal has been to rebuild confidence, regain independence, and establish control over my health and well-being. After five days without sleep, last night was my first restful night, a sign that I am truly on the path to healing.
Navigating this process intensely?whilst seeking to ensure sustainability without re-traumatizing myself has been challenging. I haven’t succeeded every day. Yesterday, I faced an uncomfortable truth and had to accept that?I had put myself in yet another situation where I was emotionally re-traumatising myself.
This recreated and sustained those negative emotions?and?feelings of being ignored, dismissed, rejected, and abandoned. I was disrespecting my boundaries. I had given others power over my emotions, thoughts, and feelings. The reality and truth is that they never had any power over me.
A podcast from Amanda Armstrong's Regulate and Rewire series that?has helped me tremendously understand and accept these patterns is Unblended & Unburdened (Part 2). You can check it out here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HyISw_sPNEw ?
Knowing My Worth: A New Understanding of Self-Worth
I’m beginning to truly understand that I have the power to manage my feelings; I can be in control. I don’t need to remain stuck in those feelings; I can choose to walk away, move on, and prioritise myself. I deserve to feel respected, heard, and loved. Respecting myself means holding my boundaries firmly and expecting others to treat me with dignity. Rewiring my beliefs to challenge the old, false narratives that drove me for decades is an ongoing process that requires constant practice and vigilance.
Mapping My Values: A Code of Conduct for Life
Imagine creating a code of conduct that defines how you will treat yourself, interact with others, and expect others to treat you. This is the journey I’m on now, and it has been profoundly enlightening.
I began this work with a spreadsheet of values and virtues, creating a list of 30 I admire in others. Reflecting on positive and negative experiences with each value or virtue has helped me identify what truly matters. This step is essential to the rewiring process, enabling me to know and accept myself as I move toward a more regulated, aligned, and authentic emotional state.
The Art of Letting Go: Moving Beyond Trauma
With these new insights, I had to decide whether to continue engaging with certain parts of my life or let them go. Letting go can be one of the most demanding, most painful challenges, mainly when it involves recognising that this can be something you're so emotionally connected to. There may also be bigger, broader implications for letting go; these may be internal (self), external (others) or connected with other factors (personal, professional, economic, social, legal, or even physical). For me, the fear of making a decision and facing the unknown. Having to embrace the discomfort of uncertainty and the?cascade of consequences amplified my survival state to the point where I developed insomnia for the past 3 weeks.
Several other interactions also meant I was reliving the trauma at this time by not setting clear boundaries or having those boundaries disrespected by others. By allowing myself to be treated without respect and dignity and then not standing up for myself and allowing it. The subsequent insomnia worsened. For five nights, when I did sleep, I would be aggressively and painfully jolted awake every 20 minutes by night terrors—like a pacemaker going off all night. Eventually, you have to realise?that?enough is enough. I am not OK. Therapy is complex but necessary.
Learning to Soothe: Tools for Calming the Mind and Body
Trying to unblend and unburden through the drunken sleep deprivation has been even more challenging; being able to regulate emotions and physical sensations during this state of hyper-sensitivity and alertness has been challenging. Looking back, it feels like I was living in my version of V for Vendetta. When most people think of mental health therapy and concepts like kindness to self, they typically think of bubble baths, hot yoga and self-care. In my case, kindness to self requires growth, challenge and learning. It is not about self-soothing. It's about taking action, building confidence and learning to adapt.
I am not saying I don’t embrace self-soothing, but it doesn’t serve me here. Instead, I reserve self-soothing for my inner-child trauma therapy. Meanwhile, the fully grown-up, accountable, capable, competent, strong and resilient woman I have become instead chooses to play to her strengths and lean into the desire and excitement of the challenge. They say the only person you're truly competing with is the version of who you were yesterday. Every day, we must commit to actions that enable us to grow and outperform who we were the day before.
Knowing, accepting and being prepared to take action is probably one of the most complicated things to come to terms with. When does enough become enough, and you decide no more? When does this finally become that catalyst for growth, empowerment and change?
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Embracing Growth: Finding Power in Self-Awareness
Reflecting, this journey began three weeks ago, spurred by a Monday afternoon mental health triage appointment. An appointment I had waited months to have and would simply allocate me to the right waitlist for future therapy some 6 months from now. The problem was that this resurfaced several issues and traumas I was unprepared and unable to cope with.?The result was a week of reliving trauma, struggling to separate past from present. At the end of that week, I took a much-needed break – that was my first trip to Bournemouth.
A week later, I continued my work at home, remaining committed to therapy and developing coping strategies to facilitate change. However, I found my environment less than conducive to this process. When a friend offered me a place in Bournemouth where I could create a psychologically safe space for intensive trauma therapy, I gladly accepted. This opportunity has been essential for my healing. As I prepare to return next week, I realise I must embrace a new reality. I've decided to let go of the past and move forward, though I'm unsure what this will look like, which brings considerable?uncertainty. I intend to explore this further in another article.
Power in Knowledge: A lesson and reminder in the Basics
I believe knowledge is power, and I was reminded of this after spending a day in A&E this week. Having decided to prioritise myself and my health finally, I got my ankles x-rayed?after three weeks of making excuses not to go and remain in pain and anxious. I am pleased to say now I know for a fact there are no stress fractures. Instead, I have damaged the Achilles tendons in both ankles. Surprisingly, though, the pain has been severely reduced since learning this. Tendinopathy is something I am well used to and have in nearly all my joints; I find it familiar and reassuring. Perhaps if I had taken action sooner, I could have avoided much of the suffering I experienced – a lesson I now realise is entirely applicable to numerous instances this past decade.
Knowing I can begin physio and come off bed rest has been freeing. Knowing that the bed rest was causing more pain and tension has been a relief and a?source of comfort. However, I must accept that I have to pace this going forward and reign in my compulsions for exercise and the thrill of endorphins. I must ensure I do not repeat the same mistake that caused this in the first place!
To support this change and learning, reflection and guided therapy have enabled me to identify the ‘parts’ of me (like, for example, anxiety) I can control. For instance, I used to say I have anxiety. I am anxious. Now, I can recognise this is just one part of my identity?and?observe its activation state from an emotional distance. For instance, right now, I am aware that the part of me that has anxiety is currently dysregulated in a state of hyper-activation. The correct response?is to implement several countermeasures that can help?return this part to a more regulated, steady state.
Reclaiming Control: Tools to Manage My Mind and Emotions
Reflecting on these last few weeks, I now recognise the areas of myself I can actively manage rather than allowing them to control me. My four primary areas of focus are:
I can now implement several strategies and countermeasures to help me reassert my boundaries, regain?control, and implement a series of actions and protocols to manage these four focus areas. For instance, I plan to distance myself from triggers and set boundaries for my OCD. This includes removing enablers, using timeboxing, prioritising tasks, mapping my values, and adopting a personal strategy that employs an extended version of the Pomodoro technique alongside the marshmallow effect for delayed gratification. This new approach excites me the most, although I anticipate maintaining it will be challenging. It feels like both a challenge and a game, where I can transform something emotionally difficult and anxiety-provoking into an experience that is hopefully fun, playful, and rewarding.
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Moving Forward: Choosing Myself Each Day
Pacing and managing external influences that can disrupt progress is an ongoing effort. Additionally, I need to incorporate measures for setbacks and failures. I’m still uncertain about what these measures will look like—should I approach this as a reward and punishment issue, or perhaps something more hybrid?
The challenge in these situations often lies in effectively managing these external influences. However, the most important realisation is that I am entirely in control. Once I understand this, I can reclaim the power that my emotions and others may have taken from me. I choose not to give anyone else power over me. I refuse to be angry at those who have exploited, used, or abused my vulnerabilities. I also need to learn to forgive myself for putting myself in those situations in the first place and for not knowing when to walk away sooner. Now, I recognise my value; if others fail to see it, it is them who are fundamentally not worthy of my time.
Now, I choose to move on, let go, adapt, and transform. By embracing my self-worth and reclaiming respect for myself, I can confidently say that I deserve to be treated with dignity because I am worthy.
As I grow, learn, and transform by cultivating resilience and practising self-respect, I encourage everyone reading this to reflect on how they can choose themselves more fully. Consider your boundaries and values, and ensure you build a life honouring those values while prioritising your needs and goals.
However, reclaiming control over my life and emotions has given me back my power. I choose not to hold resentment toward those who may have used or misunderstood my vulnerabilities, and I’m working to forgive myself for staying too long in situations that weren’t healthy for me. Now, I understand my worth; if others don’t, that’s their loss.
I choose to move forward, adapt, and transform. By embracing self-worth and honouring my boundaries, I affirm that I deserve respect, dignity, and care. For everyone reading this, I encourage you to consider your boundaries and values. Choose yourself—build a life honouring your values and meeting your goals.
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