From Shame to Strength: How to Navigate Addiction with Empathy

It's never easy seeing a loved one struggle with substance use disorder. That's why it's not unusual to want to use "tough love" tactics in a misguided attempt to help them. Dr. Andrea Arlington tried a tough love approach with her own daughter, who was addicted to heroin. As Andrea shared in the Live. Love Engage. podcast, she discovered that this approach is not only ineffective but can be downright harmful.

The Dangers of Tough Love

A tough love approach is intended to dissuade an individual from engaging in unwanted behavior. It's often accompanied by a stern, authoritarian tone, laced with phrases like "you should," "how could you," and "don't you know better?" While well-intentioned, this language actually triggers shame and trauma in the brain -- the same areas activated during physical pain or danger.

When shame is triggered, the natural response is to seek escape – often through continued substance use. Andrea pointed out the sad fact that we're losing 312 people a day to overdose, and we can't afford to use that kind of tough love where we say we're going to let them hit bottom...

"Because one hit off of even weed can be laced with fentanyl. It could be the end of our child's life." - Dr. Andrea Arlington

A Compassionate Approach

Rather than tough love, Andrea advocates for a compassionate, non-judgmental approach rooted in understanding, which is not easy to do when drugs like heroin are involved. That means offering an apology to your loved one for wanting to take away the one thing that may be keeping them from wanting to kill themselves, because the substance use is compensating for past trauma.

Fostering a Nurturing Environment

Beyond addressing active substance use, Andrea emphasizes the importance of fostering a nurturing home environment to prevent these issues from arising in the first place. This includes:

• Practicing emotional self-regulation through practices like deep breathing and mindfulness
• Communicating with a gentle, respectful tone - free of judgment or criticism
• Actively listening to your loved one's emotions and validating their experiences
• Creating a calm, low-stress atmosphere through aromatherapy, soft music and non-violent communication

A Message of Hope

For families struggling with a loved one's substance use, Andrea offers a message of hope. She recommends the book, "Beyond Addiction" by Dr. Jeffrey Foote, which provides scripts and workbook exercises to improve communication and support recovery.

More importantly, she emphasizes the importance of seeking professional help from therapists or coaches with personal experience in family addiction and recovery.

"If you had cancer, you would go to an oncologist, not a general practitioner. You need to go to a professional who's been trained to support families and help." - Dr. Andrea Arlington

With the right support and a compassionate, trauma-informed approach, families can navigate this challenging journey together. As Andrea shared in our interview, studies show that when families work with a CRAFT (Community Reinforcement and Family Training) therapist or coach, about 80% of the time, their loved one enters treatment within seven weeks.??

Final thoughts...

Remember, there is always hope, and you are not alone. By leading with love, understanding, and a willingness to seek professional guidance, we can support our loved one's healing and strengthen our family bonds in the process.

About Dr. Andrea Arlington

Dr. Andrea Arlington, an expert in family system healing and addiction recovery, draws from her own experience with her daughter's heroin addiction. As an online course creator, author, and speaker, she empowers families with effective recovery techniques. Her personal journey adds depth and hope to her work.

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