From Shadows to Superpowers: My Mental Health Story

From my earliest memories, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) was a relentless, invisible monster. At ten, I found myself cowering in a metaphorical corner, haunted by "bad thoughts"—not mere fleeting fears, but deeply ingrained, dark figments of my imagination. Like a relentless photo developer, my mind would process these terrifying ideas repeatedly, each iteration sharpening the image, enhancing its darkness until every detail was horrifically defined.

In a moment of desperation, I opened up to my parents. I hadn't realized how much pressure had built up until I shared these horrific thoughts and the floodgates burst. Tears poured as I unloaded years of bottled-up emotions. It was the early 1990s, and our understanding of OCD was primitive. There were no online communities or easily accessible resources to guide us; we were navigating blindly. Despite their confusion, my parents did their utmost to help, marking the start of a challenging journey. Their steadfast support became my first true anchor in battling this disorder.

Obsessive-compulsive disorder involves persistent, unwanted thoughts and repetitive behaviors that significantly disrupt daily activities. Mayo Clinic describes these compulsions as attempts to alleviate the distress from these intrusive thoughts, often leading to intensified anxiety. Common obsessions identified by the Cleveland Clinic include fears of contamination or harm, compelling sufferers to engage in rituals like excessive cleaning or repeated checking.

The condition varies greatly among individuals, ranging from mild to debilitating, as noted by the American Psychiatric Association. Managing OCD requires empathy and an understanding that it is a chronic condition, typically addressed with cognitive-behavioral therapy and medications like SSRIs.

Years later, my formal diagnosis shed light on the 'why' but not the 'how'—how to live with and manage my condition. It highlighted the deep personal nature of mental health, a stark contrast to more straightforward physical ailments. I realized that nobody would ever be able to understand my condition as well as I could. This realization underscored a unique loneliness.

For a long period—from my high school years to my start at Microsoft in 2014—I believed my OCD had vanished. In reality, it had merely morphed. My wife first detected this transformation, playing a pivotal role throughout our journey together. Her unwavering support and effort to understand and navigate the complexities of OCD with me have been nothing short of heroic. Together, we've tackled challenges and celebrated successes, her constant support a powerful reminder of the strength found in enduring love and understanding.

At Microsoft, I've transformed OCD into an invaluable asset in my engineering role, making it a powerful copilot. This evolution emerged from deep personal reflection, professional growth, and steadfast support from my wife and colleagues. Central to this transformation is my ability to vividly visualize abstract engineering concepts, turning them into dynamic, three-dimensional forms like orbiting planets, machinery aglow with plasma, and security protocols as protective shields. These vibrant, evolving visions now accompany my daily activities.

Now, I wield control over the visualizations that once haunted my childhood. Where these visions previously terrorized me, I've repurposed them as constructive tools in my engineering work. When ideas—often imagined as featureless metal spheres—gradually drift into each other's orbits, I can almost feel the fuzzy electric charge in the fingertips of my mind, climaxing in a brilliant spark of static electricity as the spheres align in perfect symmetry. Sometimes, I feel myself floating to the highest levels of abstraction, where complex structures are refined into sleek, minimalist designs before losing all cohesion and vanishing into the ether. It's profoundly ironic to me how the same type of vivid visualizations from my youth have transformed into invaluable assets to my career.

I have learned to control the intense visions that used to trouble me, and I now use my keen attention to detail and relentless pursuit of perfection to create solutions that meet user needs on a deeper level. This allows me to visually synthesize traditional system design aspects—such as availability, scalability, and security—with Microsoft cultural values such as “building on the work of others” and creating minimal yet effective solutions that “fill the space” between existing services. I often visualize these solutions as the “smallest bead of glue” needed to reliably bring services together in a way that solves larger engineering problems. In my mind, the “glue” metaphor visually brings me to carpentry and further into the definition of craftsmanship—an abstract definition that spans the physical and digital worlds.

Additionally, I’m on a deep spiritual journey that aligns with my core values, increasing my feelings of connectedness and revealing greater truths about the world that surrounds and connects us.

As a passionate advocate for mental health, I am dedicated to creating a space where discussing mental health openly and without fear becomes the norm. By sharing my experiences, I aim to diminish stigma and foster understanding both within our community and beyond. It's important to remember that while I have learned to manage my OCD, mental illness continues to challenge millions with diverse and unique experiences.

We must overcome the hesitation to engage in potentially uncomfortable conversations about mental health. Having lived with OCD my entire life, I am open to all dialogues. I assure you: there is little you could say that would offend or upset me. What is vital is our willingness to connect, share, and support one another boldly.

I encourage everyone to join this crucial conversation. Ask questions, share your insights, and let's unite to break down the barriers of stigma and reshape the narrative around mental health. A little courage from each of us can profoundly deepen our understanding and impact lives. Let’s approach these discussions with empathy and a readiness to learn from each other’s stories. Together, we can drive significant and deeply meaningful changes in the way we talk about mental health.