From Self-Gaslighting to Self-Trust: A Leader's Guide to Emotional Communication
Lucia Brizzi
Empowering networks of connected leaders with Success Circles. Owner of Next Level / Leadership. Coach, trainer, speaker, writer.
This morning, I nearly bombed my own relationship—and in doing so, clarified how many leaders sabotage relationships.
I woke before dawn, gripped by a dream where my boyfriend betrayed me. I was already crafting the perfect girlfriend offensive—a text aimed to blow up his phone by sunrise. As a leadership coach, I help others navigate emotional complexity daily, yet here I was, ready to act on pure fantasy.
Opening my journal (praise be to morning rituals! ), I heard my own coaching voice whisper: "Take your own advice." Before my coffee's sweet foam could settle into sobering black, clarity emerged through my journaling practice. What I'd labeled as righteous anger was really anxiety about our long-distance status, dressed up in dream-world theatrics.
Here's the thing: while acting on a dream might sound absurd, we're all constructing stories and dropping emotional bombs based on equally shaky evidence throughout our waking lives. In boardrooms and Slack channels across the world, leaders are doing exactly what I almost did—reacting to stories they've crafted rather than facts they've verified. Or, they're doing the opposite: bottling up every emotion until their leadership style becomes an elaborate performance of "fine" that nobody believes.
The only difference between the fantasies of our dreams and the stories we tell ourselves during daylight? The latter just sound more convincing.
Whether you're leading a team or leading your life, the ability to separate facts and feelings from stories isn’t just helpful—it’s crucial. Read on for the exact journaling exercise I used this morning (and share with my leadership clients) to cut through the narrative noise and communicate with genuine clarity and purpose. Because the best leaders aren't the ones who never have emotional reactions—they're the ones who know how to process them effectively.
From Self-Gaslighting to Self-Trust: A Leader's Guide to Emotional Communication
Are you "the strong one?" The leader who keeps it together, stays rational, and never lets emotions cloud your judgment? What if I told you that devaluing your feelings isn't strength—it's a form of self-gaslighting that's eroding your leadership effectiveness?
The Cost of Being "The Strong One"
When we repress our emotions, we become someone we don't like. Others don't like that person either. They don't see our fears, hopes, or genuine concerns; they only see the persona we're hiding behind. And here's the truth: that persona will never allow us to be truly understood or to lead effectively.
The Facts-Feelings-Stories Framework
Here’s the simple but powerful framework I use with my leadership coaching clients:
1. Separate Facts, Feelings, and Stories
Let's use a workplace example:
- Fact: Your boss interrupts you repeatedly in meetings with senior leaders
- Feeling: You feel hurt
- Story: "He's a sexist who doesn't value my input"
The key? Believe the facts. Honor your feelings. Question ALL stories.
2. The Self-Reflection Process
Before communicating with others, start with yourself:
1. Journal it out: List the objective facts, acknowledge your feelings, and write down multiple possible interpretations
2. Question your stories: Challenge your assumptions
3. Connect with your emotions: What are they telling you about the situation?
3. Communicate Effectively
Once you've processed internally, structure your communication using this template:
"When [fact happens], I feel [emotion]. I'm wondering [question to build understanding]."
For example:
"When I'm interrupted in senior leadership meetings, I feel discouraged. I'm wondering if we could discuss how to ensure all voices are heard?"
Why This Matters for Leaders
1. Self-Trust Is Sanity: When you habitually disbelieve your own experiences and emotions, you erode self-trust. This makes you susceptible to others' narratives and undermines your leadership instincts.
2. Emotions Are Navigation Tools: Think of feelings as your inner guidance system– they alert you to what's working (hot) and what isn't (cold). Suppressing them is like trying to navigate in the forest without a compass.
3. Authentic Connection: Your team can sense when you're operating from behind a persona. Whether it's "Productivity Monster Mode" or "Everything's Fine Bot," these masks prevent real connection and trust.
Building Better Leadership Relationships
The foundation of all relationships—including leadership relationships—starts with yourself. When you commit to:
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You create the psychological safety needed for real communication and understanding.
Practical Tips for Implementation
1. Start Small: Begin with low-stakes situations to practice separating facts, feelings, and stories
2. Develop a Regular Reflection Practice: Use journaling or coaching to process emotions before acting
3. Check Your Personas: Notice when you're slipping into character rather than leading authentically
4. Value the Pause: Like my morning journal session that prevented a relationship bomb, create space between trigger and response
Moving Forward
Remember: being understood requires courage. It means being willing to be seen— not just as a leader, but as a human being with real emotions and experiences. The next time you feel yourself slipping into "strong one" mode, pause and ask:
Leadership isn't about being the person who never has emotions; it's about being the person who knows how to communicate them effectively for mutual understanding and growth.
Your feelings aren't a weakness to overcome. They're a guidance system to honor. When you learn to express them skillfully, you don't just become a better leader—you become a more authentic human being.
Connect Well with NLL?
Journaling
If you have a smart phone and a pulse, you should also have a regular reflection practice.?We know of no better way than journaling.
Coaching
If you're ready to develop genuine emotional intelligence that serves both you and your team, let's talk. Our coaches partner with leaders ready to:
If this is you:
Storytelling
Back to the dream-text, the stories we tell ourselves about our leadership are often just as fictional—and just as convincing. Through the practice of leadership storytelling, you hone the skill to craft your true, inspired leadership story.
Learn about one-on-one or team leadership storytelling:
Retreat
Next Level Leadership began in 1986 with the intention to connect women leaders for their advancement. And— this is our first ever retreat! Join a vision 37 years in the making.?A weekend to recharge?as you practice the art of next level leadership
Who: A small circle of women leaders
What: Reconnect?with yourself. Reenvision your leadership. Reemerge with radiance?
When: MLK Weekend, Jan. 17th-19th
Where: Accord, NY, 12404
#emotionalintelligence #positivepsychology #leadershipcoaching #executivecoaching #journaling #communicationskills #selfrefelction #gaslighting #leadershipdevelopment #selftrust #realationshipsatwork #successcircles
Co-Founder of BMP
4 周Lucia Brizzi, sounds like a solid approach. journaling can really clear things up. what's your favorite part of it?