From Scrum to Scream - A Nasty Path Explored!

Let’s go Agile and hence lets go Scrum. Now its the time for everything I touch to turn gold and be of value.

The next few weeks are the most important of all. We should effectively utilize our ‘Sprint Zero’ and do all possible upfront work for our first sprint.

I have asked for few hours of training to the ones at the team level to do more Agile.

Welcome guys for the Sprint 1. Today is our first day of the sprint. I hope we planned enough for the next 22 sprints and everything is agreed upon.

Oops! I didn’t measure Velocity. Thanks for reminding me of this mindless, vanity number. I have got it now!

5% improvement on Velocity, Consistent Velocity, Velocity Variance and what not – This velocity stuff is driving me nuts.

Happy for a quarter hiding under the burrows with these Velocity charts giving me a cover.

But, hey we want to go faster with this Agile! Let’s get more folks into this game and put them on a training for a week.

Boom!!! They have also become Agile now.

Please refer the JIRA number while your turn comes in the Daily Scrum.

More the teams, more the dependencies. More the dependencies, more the thread we want to tie during our PI planning.

Oh, did I not mention that we have already moved to SAFe?

Portfolios, value streams, programs and what not!

Everyone is engaged and every part is moving.

And that reminds me to ask for one more time – ‘Can we go a little faster?’

Why not! Here is the next big thing!

Welcome Mr. DevOps Engineer! Happy to have you on-boarded. The entire program is yours, make it more faster and Agile!

The boards are all set, threads are tied and even my spouse’s favorite color sticky notes are used everywhere!

The place looks full and seems like everything is on the right track.

Did I tell you we received even a decent score in our Agile Maturity Assessment held recently?

Thanks for those compliments! Its the team’s hard-work that created all such good name within our organization.

Give me few minutes, let me come back after our SOS (Scrum of Scrums) calls are done. We collect status and enjoy not challenging the status quo.

After all driving these trains and taxis are becoming more tough offlate.

Its already 12 sprints guys, why no one opens your mouth in the Sprint Retros? If no one is going to volunteer and speak, I have no choice other than to call the names.

Great question! In the interest of time, let us take it offline.

Where is your Product Owner? Why does he want customer / customer representatives in the Sprint Reviews?

Ask him to keep it internal and let not trouble the stakeholders unnecessarily for such trivial discussions.

Value? What Value? Let the performance testing team share their results and we can talk about value by then.

Are all the environments booked and made available?

Yes, guys this is really big! We are the first team in our company to try this and park it aside. Brilliant!

A shocking news! But hope you guys get it and stay positive! Our program is called off!

Looks like there are no customer and we are too too far away from realizing customer value and there is nothing dependent left in our plate to continue working.

Thanks Guys! Thanks for all your support! If not because of you, we wouldnt have become this much Agile and Scrum. Now we have completely transformed to Scrum and all the credits goes to you all on the ground!

Hoping we might meet again in the future at some crossroads. Stay connected!

Thanks for bearing with me and reading most of the shameless but harmful practices killing Agile and Scrum altogether!

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