From a resolute girl, to a confident woman

As humans, we are full of contradictions - we strive hard for happiness while not giving ourselves the right to it, we want to be healthy, while we throw junk food into ourselves, we want to have money saved in our bank account but spend most of it on unnecessary things, we claim that family is most important for us, while we spend many hours at work… I could go on with examples.

Contradiction is often visible in the way we raise our children. We often want our kids to grow up as confident, independent, courageous, successful people, and meanwhile from an early age we push them into a specific framework: they are supposed to obey, do what we tell them to do, don't get in the way, don't cause problems. We also take over a lot of tasks for them, according to the principle: "I know better, so I help you" . And the statement: "children should be seen, not heard" did not come from nowhere, unfortunately. From the beginning, we create a hierarchy in which the child does not have certain rights, and the parent knows best what is good and bad for him/her.

When I became a mother for the first time, I was very clear what my primary goal in raising my daughter would be: I wanted her to grow up to be a confident and capable, independent, assertive, and empathetic woman. And everything I have done and continue to do over the last 8 years is guided by this goal.

Independence from infancy

During her infancy, I was leaving my daughter alone in her room for a certain amount of time each day. I gave her time to be alone with herself and observe the world without me. By doing so, I was getting her used to the fact that she is a separate being and mom is not always next to her. In addition, my daughter never slept in bedroom with me and my husband. From the beginning she had her own room and her own crib. She fell asleep alone, slept alone and woke up alone. In the morning, I never went to her right away - hearing that she was awake, I gave her time to be alone with herself, sometimes it was 15 minutes, and other times 30 minutes. In our bed, my daughter fell asleep for the first time when she was less than 3 years old. Today she is almost 9 and even though she loves sleeping with us and if she could – would do it every night, we have a clear rule: she can sleep with us on the weekend and when one of us (me or my husband) is on the business trip. And despite the exceptions that happen from time to time, we stick to the established rules, and she accepts them (although from time to time she tries and asks "can I sleep with you tonight, please?").

The first time we left our daughter alone with her grandparents for a few days was when she was 5 months old. I have to admit, it was difficult for me, nevertheless I knew why we were doing it. Since then, once in a while, we leave our daughter iby her grandparents for a few days, and for her it is natural. What's important is the child's sense of security - in Hania's case, it's her favorite teddy bear, which she takes with her whenever we are away. During the longest 10-day separation, we missed each other a lot, but we talked about it as a natural emotion, not a tragedy. When we came back home, Hania said: "when I missed you so much and I was sad, I hugged Lesio (her favorite teddy bear)". I strongly believe that my responsibility as a mother is to teach my child to deal with difficult emotions, and the earlier she experiences them and learns how to deal with them - the better.

Decisiveness of a 2-year-old

Returning to the primary goal in raising my daughter, Hania's decisiveness was important to me from the beginning. Since she started communicating and it was possible to talk to her, I started introducing elements of decision-making. The simplest thing - choosing clothes. To begin with, I gave her a choice of 2 sets of clothes, and she was deciding which one she wanted to wear. After some time, I introduced more elements, such as whether she prefers a dress or pants. Since years Hania dresses herself, and I don't interfere - only (if necessary) indicate to her whether she should wear, for example, tights, because it's cold outside. But if I say A, I have to stick with B. Sometimes the outfit she completes could be questionable. The whole range of patterns and colors definitely do not go unnoticed. I don't comment, I don't criticize, I don't urge her to change her outfit, sometimes I ask where the idea of combining a particular dress with pants came from and I ask if she would like my advice. If yes - good, if no - no problem. Since Hania turned 6, she decided that dresses are not for her anymore. And has not worn them since. I had to give away ca. 30 beautiful dresses, but as this was her decision, I went along with it.

As Hania was 4 years old, I took another step in clothing decision-making - packing for a week-long trip to grandparents. I prepared a sheet on which I made drawings of blouses, dresses, shorts, etc. - and next to each I wrote a number (how much of what to prepare). And Hania, according to this list, packed the selected clothes in the specified amount into the suitcase. She had a lot of fun with it, was super excited about the responsibility, and at the end very proud. And me too, by the way. Now with age of almost 9 she already packs herself alone (recently for 2-week holiday), sometimes she only asks me how many socks or leggings she would need. And I do a quick check (“did you remember to pack your pajamas?”). She feels in charge and being in driver`s seat, I have less work with packing :)

The forms of decision-making that I have introduced are many more (such as choosing food, a form of play, or a book to read). And as part of the balance, there are also many decisions that my husband and I make together that are non-negotiable - such as when to go to bed, brushing teeth, eating sweets, watching TV, etc.

Sense of empowerment

I strongly believe that a lot in life depends on ourselves and our actions, and that we, above all, have a say in how our life works out for us. This is one of most important believes I want to equip my daughter with. How do I do it? First of all, I don't do anything for her if I know that she capable of doing it on her own. I believe that this is one of the most common traps we fall into as parents - we do something for our children, for various reasons (I'll dress you - it will be faster, I'll make a drawing for you for kindergarten so that it will be the prettiest in the group, I'll pass you a spoon that has fallen, why should you bend down, etc.). Hania has been dressing and undressing herself for a long time, bringing dirty clothes to the laundry, brushing her teeth, doing her homework. She cleans the room, puts the dishes in the sink, pours water into a cup for herself. And much more. Many times, of course, she tries: "Mom, could you bring me a drink; give me a spoon, bring me a blanket...". Or she leaves her pants, socks etc. on the floor. My job is to be consequent in reminding her: you can bring your drink yourself, please take your dirty cloths to the laundry, clean your room etc. Of course, it is not easy, but consistency and an assertive attitude bring expected results. Currently, the daughter does not discuss, although every now and then (on the principle of "I check!") she wants me to do something for her. And let's agree - sometimes it happens, especially when I know that she is, for example, tired or feeling worse. I am a human after all! ;)

Self-esteem - positive affirmations

"You are smart, good, loved and special. But you are not better than others and no one is better than you. Other children are also smart, good, loved and special" was the phrase Hania first heard from me when she was less than 3 years old. At first I repeated it several times a week, after some time to my question: "Hania, and do you know what you are like?" - she answered with a full sentence. Then I added more elements: we discussed what it means that she is special or loved. She listed who loves her (including all our pets). One day, after listing everyone who loves her, she added at the end: "You know what mommy? And I love myself." And let someone tell me that children are not sometimes smarter than adults! ?? I still use this affirmation, only with less frequency now.

Assertiveness

Short and to the point - you want to have an assertive child, then behave assertively yourself. Children are brilliant observers - they learn a lot from us, mainly by observing our behavior and reactions, not by what we say to them. So, if you are not assertive, for example, with your friends, your partner or your child – he/she sees it all and learns from your behavior.

Responsibility

Behind every decision you make there are concrete consequences, more and less pleasant ones. I rarely tell Hania to do something with no discussion, rather give her options to choose from and point out the consequences of the decision she will make. I remember one situation from couple of years: Hania cried because I did not want to move her 2 teddy bears to the couch, where she was supposed to be watching a cartoon (I expected her to take the teddy bears herself). Despite her dramatic flood of tears (Oscar for leading role guaranteed!) I asked her to stop crying for 30 seconds because I had something important to tell her: "You have 2 options to choose from: option 1 - you continue to cry, which will leave you with a blocked nose, swollen eyes and a headache for a while. I won't move the teddy bears for you, so you'll continue to sit here with them, crying and not watching cartoons instead. Option 2 - you take the teddy bears under your arm, sit on the couch and watch your favorite cartoon with pleasure. Make the best decision for yourself." And I left her room. You may think -" yeah, easy to say". And yes - easy. And in addition, it worked. In my case, it worked mainly because I had already been consistent in my actions and Hania knew this very well. Which means that she also knew that when I left, I wouldn't break if she continued to cry. How did it end? It took my daughter about 30 seconds to access the situation and come to the conclusion that crying wouldn't do anything good for her. She took her teddy bears and went to watch the cartoons (the crying stopped in a second - every child is undoubtedly born with a talent for acting ??).

In many situations I teach Hania to take responsibility for decisions she makes. If my daughter promises me something, I expect her to keep the promise. If she doesn't keep it - we talk about it. But this has to work both ways - if we as parents do not keep our promises to the child, we become completely unreliable! The principle of keeping one's word, agreeing to something and bearing the consequences of one's decisions must always work both ways. Therefore, before I promise something to my child - I will think twice whether I will be able to keep my word. The overriding rule - if you demand something from your child, demand it from yourself first - otherwise you lose solid arguments in a discussion with your kid.

Building self-esteem by being loved and accepted

From a young age, Hania and I have been very close physically, emotionally, spiritually. I and my husband hug her a lot, we talk about our feelings (including difficult ones), concerns, problems. In this way we teach her closeness and complete trust - she can talk to us about everything, and we do not judge or criticize her in any way. Alternatively, we point out the consequences of her actions. We try not to compare our daughter to other children, rather we show her that everyone is different, has different needs or talents. We do not force her to do anything, especially if she is afraid or ashamed of something. We don't diminish her emotions (when she says directly that she is ashamed or nervous), but rather - we treat these emotions with respect. We try to give her a positive boost and encourage her to overcome her barriers despite the fear or shame - and when she does and pride or satisfaction appears in her - we celebrate these feelings together. Before I say to Hania: "I'm proud of you" I first ask her whether she is proud of herself. I want her to do this primarily for herself and her own satisfaction, not for the satisfaction of her parents.

In everything I have described above, it is important that there is a one voice on such behavior from both parents. The more the parents have agreement on the parenting methods used, the more consistent they are in these actions in the eyes of the child - the greater the chance of success. In our case, in the majority of parenting methods my husband and I are in agreement. And if not – we try to find one ??.

As in everything in life, balance and common sense are important. Before I stepped into this most important life role, I heard one piece of advice from my mother - and as it turns out, it was the best advice I could have received: "let go in small things so that you don’t let go in the most important ones." I took that advice to heart and continue to apply it to this day. And despite the fact that sometimes it's hard to distinguish whether it's still a small thing or not - it's worth applying the 80/20 rule and not sticking to full consistency in everything, but sometimes simply letting go - after all, we are only human and let our child see us as such.

There are no perfect parents, everyone makes mistakes. And no matter how consciously I raise my daughter, I know that my mistakes will not pass me by either. In addition - now having a 3-year-old boy, I see and experience how challenging it is to apply similar rules to two completely different human beings! But that is a completely another story… ;)