From Regret To Regrowth

By Edy Nathan

The crisis is keeping us locked in the rooms of our homes for weeks on end. With all that time to think, it is not surprising that we can also become stuck in the rooms of our minds. A lot of suppressed memories can come up, ones from long ago and some more recent. One of the big feelings that may come up is regret. We all regret something in our lives... but with so many heightened emotions everywhere, regret can leave us feeling uncalibrated, distracted.

Regret is part of a sense of loss that we carry in ourselves. Regret and shame are often related. Remember the time you said something and later regretted saying it? Or you wish that you had responded differently to a situation? It may feel like there is nothing you can do about it right now... Regret is a contributing factor to feeling bad, depressed, and anxious. Combine that with obsessive thinking and you are living in a very crowded emotional room.

Let’s change the way you hold the regret. Yes, you can change your brain and your body’s response to what you tell it.

Moving from Regret to Regrowth

Regret keeps you in the same place: unrelenting and taunting, teasing you with memories that just won’t stop! Here are so suggestions on how to stop them.

1. When the memory of the regretful moment rears it’s ugly head, stop the thought by engaging it. Ask: Is there anything I can do about it Right Now? The answer is probably NO. This is where you can change the thought: Say to yourself, "Since there is absolutely nothing I can do about it right now, thinking about it will not change my Scenario of Regret. I need to focus on the here and now and be present in this moment."

The best way to change your Scenario of Regret:

Look around a room and identify the objects in the room. One object at a time, start with anything that is in the room or on your person: count the threads on a couch, the dots on the wallpaper. Remember to keep breathing while you do this exercise.

Why it works?

It keeps you focused and inhibits the thoughts from bursting into your brain and taking over. Now, you have begun to change the way you hold the regret.

If you believe that you can “redo” the moment of regret. Then do it. No, don’t burst in and say I didn’t mean to ... and fill in the blanks – think about how you want that redo the moment. What do you regret? How would you have done it differently? Would it be possible to have another go at it? If not, then write a letter to yourself about how you would do it differently?

2. Since there is nothing I can do about it right now, how disturbing is it to me right now on a scale from 1–10?

1–4: Know that in time it will fade away. Ask yourself what you could have done differently and then use it as a tool for growth.

5–7: Your regretful thoughts probably intrude upon your daily living more than you would like. Your thoughts stop you from being present in the moment. Make a daily date with Mindfulness Moments. Your brain needs you to begin to rewire it! Yes, the brain can change!

8–10: Totally obsessed! Do the mindfulness exercises and if obsessing is part of your daily life, how does it interrupt your routine? For some people, medication can be helpful. Another way of learning to cope with an obsessive mindset is to partake in cognitive therapy. You can change how you cope with being obsessed. Certain forms of hypnosis have also helped some patients. Work for inner peace and change your brain!

The more you hold onto regret the more of a hold it has on you. You live in the past instead of the present. Eckhart Tolle speaks about the past, the future and the here and now, (paraphrasing)...live in the past and you are depressed, live in the future and you are anxious, live in the present and you find peace.

Holding onto regret gives a voice to your inner critic. Affecting your ability to take risks in the future or inhibiting you from letting go of emotional bonds that keep you stuck. Let go of regret and learn to self soothe and develop a stronger sense of self. 

For these tough times I have lifted the cost of my guided meditation,"The Power of YOU" - Copy this link for a Free Download: 
https://edynathan.com/product/the-power-of-you-introduction-free-download/

Edy Nathan, MA, LCSWR, is a therapist and the author of It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss.

In Print:

It’s Grief: The Dance of Self-Discovery Through Trauma and Loss