From Pain to Power & Triumph Over Trauma: My Conversation with Harish Iyer ji

Warning: This article discusses sensitive material about sexual abuse and violence, with explicit and direct wordings. Survivors of abuse or violence may find this content disturbing. Reader discretion is advised.

In 2012, I first saw him on Disney+ Hotstar (erstwhile Star TV) Star popular talk show, "Satyamev Jayate," hosted by superstar Aamir Khan. Since then, he's become a familiar face on various TV shows, news channels, web series, and TEDx talks.

To celebrate Pride Month, I dialed my next guest.

My next guest is a true flag bearer of the ‘Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken’ series. It was an honor and privilege to speak to him this year.

Who is my next Guest?

harish iyer ji is known for his advocacy of equal rights and wears many hats – from being an Equal Rights Activist to a columnist, banker, motivational speaker, and educator. Currently, he serves as Head DE&I at Axis Bank and previously worked with The Quint DNA - Daily News & Analysis

Harish's journey is marked by both trauma and triumph and is incredibly inspiring.

As a survivor of child sex abuse and gang rape, he has actively supported over 700,000 survivors.

Here is an excerpt of our conversation.

(He prefers pronouns as he or she both. For this article, we agreed to proceed with “He” pronoun)

The Childhood:

Harishji’s childhood was tragically marked by sexual abuse by a close family member starting from the young age of seven. He was gang-raped (the abuser & his friends) at 12 and the abuse continued until he was 18. This abuse continued for a horrific eleven years, leaving him with deep emotional & mental wounds.

The First Battle:

The experience destroyed his sense of security and instilled fear. He bore the trauma in silence, fearing his & his parents' safety due to threats & beating from his abuser.

He recalls, so, every time I would go to his house, I was conditioned to just lie down and wait to be abused (and get done with it quickly). I didn’t feel pain at the time, but felt after wearing clothes, felt excruciating pain, but stay quiet about the whole thing. Remember “Mard ko dard nahi hota”??? (Men don’t feel pain).

I was wondering why he never shared this with his family?

He did try opening up with his mom but back then the notion of a male child being raped sounded like an alien concept.

He recalls When I was bleeding from my backside, my mom innocently replied, “Tum aam bahut khate ho, isiliye ho raha hai ye”, You eat too many mangoes that’s why (the heat of the mango) you are bleeding.

His mom has always been a pillar of strength for him, yet he felt he couldn’t explain himself to his mom.

Unable to share it with anyone, forced to lead a double life.

He recalls I was living in two parallel worlds that didn’t meet each other even by mistake. One I was filled with pain & abuse and the other the pretense of a normal life. I switched on and off between these two worlds. It helped me to deal with my trauma. ?Jimmy was the only one who knew every time I was raped.

Jimmy, the listener & healer:

Every time he was abused, he would put his face in the middle of Jimmy’s paws (his dog), and cry. Jimmy would lick every drop of his tears with no questions or judgment.

Harish felt someone was listening to him, and that gave him the courage to confront.

Harish recalls, One day, as usual, he (the abuser) came in to rape me, all my veins welled up, my face, eyes turned red, I collected all my inner strength, and firmly screamed at him “NOOOOOOO”……..

………. after a long pause, Harishji continued….

and that’s it, after that, it never happened again. All it took was one word “NO”.

This marked his first battle – a horrifying struggle against the trauma of abuse and fear. But….

2nd Battle: Erosion of Self-Esteem

Like many survivors, he faced the challenge of coming to terms with the trauma and overcoming the shame and guilt along with the death of Jimmy.

Unfortunately, his story was out in college leading him to be further bullied.?

He adds,

after 11 years of my rape, my backside (buttocks) became wobbly. So, I was called chakka, hijra, chamiya, baila etc just to tease me.

In fact, I would never enter a men’s washroom, fearing a rape.

I would never walk in front of anyone (even today) in the streets fearing someone is staring at my wobbly back to taunt or tease me.

Once I went to the beach, other kids quickly removed their clothes and jumped on the beach with just undies. I couldn’t, as I was bleeding.

I was never at ease with myself and had no self-esteem.

This was his second battle – a fight to preserve his self-worth but the battle continued.

3rd Battle: Internal Conflict and Strength:

During this phase, he also discovered, he is Gay and shared it with a friend. He shared his experience of being sexually abused with his friend… but his friend leaked it and spread that he was having physical relations with men.

He recalls I was paying the price of being me. I was helpless, hopeless with no self-esteem, I tried taking my life three times. But survived, maybe God had different plans for me.

In a packed hall during a college fest, he was on the stage. His critics were laughing, booing him. He took the mic and….

He recalls, I shouted, “I was raped at the age of 7”….. I ran and started crying my heart and lungs out. The management came to my rescue and appreciated my courage. The audience gave me a standing ovation. It was surreal.

He reaffirms, that speaking up really helped!

This was his third battle – a courageous stand to break the silence and stigma surrounding abuse.

Rising to Prominence & Glory:

Since then, he has become the voice and ears of other survivors and has helped ~7,00,000+ survivors who came forward to seek support.

He said, that after I appeared on Aamir Khan’s talk show on Disney+ Hotstar (erstwhile Star TV) Satyamev Jayate on child sexual abuse, many survivors came forward to share their stories with me.

He has been on NDTV We the People. I will leave few links below to learn about movies based on his characters, documentaries, talk shows, TEDx talks, etc. He has been a formidable and active voice for advocating not just child sexual abuse rights but also LGBTQIA+.

LGBTQIA+ Advocacy, Basic etiquettes & promoting Inclusion:

I also wanted to cover knowledge, biases, and etiquette, to create awareness of the LGBTQIA+ community. So, I moved the focus from him to the community.

[VV - Vishnu Vardhan] Let’s start with the basics. Why pronouns?

[HI - Harish Iyer] Humans are like parrots who like to mimic behavior. For example, if I address you as Vishni or Vaishnavi, or call you “she”, would you feel comfortable?

It’s the same logic. When you add pronouns, then the community members also feel comfortable sharing their pronouns. This gives them a respectable address during any conversation.

[VV] So, what’s the best way to approach it?

[HI] The way you did Vishnu. When we first spoke, you addressed your identity & pronoun and asked my preference of pronoun without assuming on my behalf. That's a respectable approach.

So, I would say, My name is Harish Iyer, and I would like to be addressed as “He or She”.

And you would probably say, my name is Vishnu, and my pronoun is “He” or “Him”. It's quite simple. This tiny step promotes inclusion.

[VV] What’s Sex, Gender and Sexuality:

[HI]

Sex: It’s the parts you were born (Sexual Organ) with i.e. Male, Female, or Intersex. It's Physiological.

Gender: This is your internal sense (as what your brain tells you who you are). Gender identity is different from sex or can be the same.

Sexuality: Who you love, are attracted to, or are not attracted.

Role of Parents

[VV] How should one express to their parents about Child Abuse and Sexuality respectively?

[HI] Parental support is vital. They also need education and awareness. Be patient with them.

On Child Abuse:

In my case, it started with abuse and fear. But for many, it starts with rewards like chocolates, gifts, money assistance like sponsorship etc. The onus is on parents, caregivers, and teachers.

Have an open conversation between parents and child, focus on language, spread awareness on different types of touches, etc.

On Sexuality:

When you share sexuality with them, be prepared for their reaction. It's the first time for them as well. Help them understand more about you, patiently. It helps when you are financially and emotionally independent before coming out to parents…

Role of Civil Society

[VV] What role civil society can play in promoting inclusion concerning LGBTQIA+?

[HI]

• Introduce and explain diversity in your education curriculum!
• Affirmative actions on building equity e.g. creating equal opportunities policies, upskilling, pay parity, etc. Also, corporates need to understand when someone is repressed, there could be frequent job changes. Be the advocate and not just an ally.
• Accessibility & social bullying e.g. be supportive to survivors, follow strict code against bullying, etc. Embrace the uniqueness in each individual.

These are not just for LGBTQIA+ but for anyone who is unique/different.

With the last message that perfectly endorsed the spirit of the “Be Yourself, Everyone Else is Already Taken” series, we concluded our discussion.

Conclusion:

I was thoroughly engaged in his conversation. He is a great storyteller. Despite all that he has gone through, he has an amazing sense of humor. His energy is extremely positive and not once I felt any bitterness within him. He was extremely kind to give his time for this cause.

I am totally moved by his story, aren’t you?

What one step are you going to take to promote inclusion?

#Diversity #SupportiveWorkplace #PrideMonth #LGBTQ #DiversityAndInclusion #EqualRights

#LGBTQ+ #Inclusivity #WorkplaceEquality #CelebrateDiversity #BeTheAlly #Allyship #Ally

#DEI #Inclusion #Equality #EmployeeEngagement #linkedinpremium