#60-From my unlocked diaries: Uncle Kuppuswamy returns – Bold & Beautiful !

Earlier this week as I was getting down from my car I noticed ‘Uncle’ standing in his balcony, trying to catch my attention. I tried my best to avoid making any eye contact. But he seemed desperate, to talk to me. Uncle bent down, swaying right to left, sliding on the balcony railing waved at me and said – “Hey Balu, I have not seen you in a while, where have you been?”

To which I replied – “took a small break Sir, went to Coorg for a few days”

Friends, that was my next-door neighbor … that Complaining - Kuppuswamy Uncle (Uncle) at it … again. With his ‘checkered’ Blue & White lungi – now even bolder, defying all gravity and gravitas, sashaying on the balcony to a near ‘lungi-dance’ like performance. The lungi tied several inches lower, to display his recently shopped - Jockeys! Yes, Jockeys; I could almost … see the label !!

Uncle was so much better before lock-down; both in behavior and ‘dressing’, I wondered …? Those PG girls walking up & down the street kept him in check, and yes his wife had a hand in it too. But now, the PG girls are gone and his wife is perhaps too bored with him to care. Result – Uncle has become – Bold & Beautiful !!!

You know, Uncle has gotten really stylish these days. Not just with Jockeys. He has discarded that home-made, cotton un-branded piece of cloth and migrated to his branded mask collection (can’t recollect which brand though?). 

Uncle’s eyes lit up when he heard me say – ‘Coorg’. He leaned forward from the balcony and said – ‘Coorga, nice place. So, you had funna? ‘

He continued – “But Balu … tell me, you go around without mask, howw – you are not scaredaa? I think you have taken Vaccine … secretly”. Uncle immediately burst out laughing, his mask creating a crater near his mouth and vibrating violently with his laughter. 

Standing right below his balcony, there I was - ‘mask-less’ and in prayer, hoping Uncle’s mask does not give way, to be followed by a water-fall coming my way ! I noticed by now Uncle’s wife was tugging his lungi from behind, gesturing him to invite me inside. So there I was, in Uncle’s living room - for Coffee.

Uncle resumed his ‘Vaccine’ conversation (Vaccine seems to be hot topic these days) – “Balu, there are so many Vaccine brands popping up almost every day. I get very confused. It’s like that … useless Congress popping up here & there”

By now fully charged-up, Uncle continued - “Balu, that chubby guy … that Adyar Poonawalla, who earlier owned, bred and raced his Horses in Poona, Bangalore and Ooty derby, now it seems has become - Vaccine-King? That Poonawalla goes around giving TV interviews, as though he is an expert on Vaccines”

I was stumped at Uncle comparing Vaccine to Congress; and Poonawalla to a Ghoda-Walla (Horse-man)!

With a surprised look I asked uncle – ‘Uncle, why do you compare Vaccines to Congress party?’

To which he laughed and said – “Not that Pappu Congress party Balu. I mean that ‘Congress gida’ (Congress plant) that grew all over Bangalore during 1980s. Like that Congress plant, there are many Vaccines coming up Balu”

My memory immediately went back to the 1980’s when every empty site in Bengaluru had this ‘Parthenium plant’

For some strange reasons they called it – ‘Congress plant’ ! It was just a wild, useless weed inviting mosquitoes by evening. It caused terrible itching if you touched - Congress. It’s so ironical, now no one wants to ‘touch’ Congress. Paapa … Pappu’s Congress has become untouchable ! !

Uncle continued, sipping his Coffee – “Balu, I hope they give me ‘incentive’ for taking Vaccine, like how earlier Karnataka Government gave incentives to people for cutting that Congress plant, to help keep mosquitoes away. You know it’s risky to take any Vaccine. It is untested and made in just one year – lots of side effects it seems”

What the hell … the Government is going bust with no money in its coffers, and here is Complaining Kuppuswamy demanding ‘subsidy’ to take Vaccine… ! As though Punjabi farmers demands for more MSP, more Subsidy was not enough for M & S I thought …?

Both M & S (Shh...) are getting ready for Baisakhi @ 2021 … with Punjab farmers. ‘Mann Ki Bat’ is just not working in ... Sardar land. The Gujju duo were last seen taking serious Bhangra (a rustic Punjabi dance form) classes on Zoom from Ms. Madhuri Dixit. Ms. Dixit is now camping in Mumbai, beach-walking Mr. Nene when free from Zoom classes. 

M & S are hoping to be ready to chill at Singhu border by Baisakhi @ 2021, to try Bhangra hits with farmers … to pass the Bill !!

By now I was curious to know from Uncle about the Horse & Vaccine connection ...? And so I asked him.   

Uncle immediately shot back saying – “Balu, you know this Adyar Poonawalla, I remember seeing his father many years ago in Bangalore Turf Club, along with good looking gurlz in sunglasses. It seems now his son is betting on Corona Vaccine. He better stick to breeding more Parsis & Horses instead of saving lives with bottled water”

Wow! Just by the twist of his tongue, Uncle turned a finely bred, Parsi bloke from Pune ... to a Tam Bram (Tamil Brahmin) from Adyar (Adyar is a traditional Tam Bram area in the city of Chennai) ! And also gave the Parsi some Progeny advice !!

You must have guessed by now; Uncle was referring to Adar Poonawalla of the Serum Institute of India (SII) fame !  

By now it was clear to me - either the ‘Uncles Gang’ in the area had got back to their daily huddle, or they must be part of some crazy Wats App group, for their daily dose of gossip and Corona conspiracy theories.

Listening to all this I could not hold back my response anymore and I said in an irritated voice – “Uncle, Vaccine is for your benefit. Anyway you will be on 1st priority list, and mostly free - so what’s the problem”?

My response is just what Uncle Kuppuswamy was waiting for. For the next few minutes he gave me an ear-full on his Vaccine conspiracy theories, and ended by saying – “Balu, I am also a ‘mannina magaa’ (Son of the Soil), a farmer you know. See those Panjabi farmers … they are all on the road - cooking, bathing, sleeping, taking massage, doing hookah protesting in large groups - and no one has got Corona? How??  So there is no Corona Balu, it’s all bullshit. I am also like those Punjabi farmers - Son of the Soil; I will not take Vaccine”

By now the lungi could not bear the vibration of Uncle’s excitement. His wife peeped through the door gesturing him to set right his free-fall. I now decided it’s time for me to leave. 

“Balu, come whenever you are free. It’s good to talk like this. By the way – you never wear maskaa, not good. Always were a mask”, parroted Kuppuswamy. 

As I walked down the stairs shaking my head like ‘Hamlet’, I was wondering which side is Uncle really on?  - Vaccine or anti-Vaccine gang?? 

I guess the new term for this State of Mind is – Yeddism! After his ‘to be OR not to be’ moment regarding Bengaluru Night Curfew !!

But one thing is for sure. These Uncles - Kuppuswamy & Yeddi are both - Bold and Beautipfull !!!

Balu

December 27, 2020

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