From My Own Divorce To Helping Parents Create a Child-Centered Divorce -- That Protects The Children You Love!

I’ve faced many difficult moments in my life. But preparing to tell my son that I will be divorcing his father was absolutely one of the worst. 

Thinking about breaking the news filled me with dread, gut-wrenching fear and incredible guilt. 

My son, after all, was a sweet, innocent soul who loved both his father and mother. He didn’t deserve this. 

I struggled with the anxiety for weeks. When should I tell him? How? Should we tell him together? And most frightening of all, WHAT SHOULD WE SAY?  

How do you explain to your child that the life he has known is about to be disrupted – changed – forever?

How do you explain that none of this is his fault?

How do you reassure him that life will go on, that he will be safe and loved, even after his parents divorce? 

And, even more intimidating, how do you prepare him for all the unknowns ahead when you’re not sure yourself how it will all turn out?

Breaking old patterns …

I was raised in a family with parents who didn’t divorce – who chose to “stay together for the kids” – but should have divorced instead! 

They made a huge mistake, and I paid the price in emotional turmoil, anxiety and pain. My parents weren’t bad people. They didn’t know how to cope with an unhappy marriage. And because they were so caught up in their own dysfunctional drama, they didn’t have a clue about its impact on us kids.

Mom and dad fought constantly, around us or behind closed doors. Mom turned me into her confidant, telling me disrespectful stories about my dad and his family I didn’t want to hear.

I was torn between protecting him and siding with her – a no-win situation for a child of 7 or 11 or 15. Dad escaped into his own world, spending less and less time with me and my sister. 

I grew up depressed, insecure and feeling unloved by either mom or dad.

So when my own marriage was going downhill I knew I had to make a break – to change the pattern I grew up in – to give my son the happier childhood he deserved. 

He was eleven at the time – still a child, yet old enough to feel the tension in our home that had been escalating for several years. 

He heard the irritation in our voices when his father and I spoke. He heard the arguments that flared up suddenly in the midst of routine conversations and the deafening silence when we were engulfed in our frustration and anger.

Quietly my son was experiencing it all and, not surprisingly, began to show signs of stress. Sometimes it came in the form of headaches. Other times his tears revealed his pain at hearing our battles and being helpless to stop them. Often he acted out, revealing his escalating temper as he filled up with rage about controlling a situation far beyond his control!

My husband and I knew better. We knew not to fight in front of our son, allowing him to be caught up in our conflict. But as our unhappiness grew over time, we lost touch with what we knew … and gave in to what we felt. 

It was a mistake that I will always regret because my beloved child was paying the price.

Learning from the pain …

And so we divorced – but determined to do it in a way that gave our son a better, brighter future than he would have had living with two very unhappy parents. 

We focused on the fact that we would still be a family, still be his mother and father – and still love him always! 

Experience, painful mistakes and watching our son’s responses made us wiser – and saner. 

Step by step we discovered keys to co-parenting effectively. 

We agreed not to fight around our son and, equally important, to talk about each other with respect. We learned how to pick our battles, cooperate with one another, be flexible and generous in doing favors. We found ways to spend time together for happy occasions like birthdays, special events and graduations. My son loved those family times. Life got better. He thrived!

It was a process – and not always easy.

In all candor, co-parenting is challenging for co-parents.  It’s even more challenging for the kids caught in the middle. We made mistakes, learned lessons, improved our communication skills and moved ahead with our lives, ultimately finding new love partners who became part of our extended family.

My life-changing moment …

One day, out of the blue, when my son was in his early twenties he came to me and said, “You know, Ma, you and Dad did a really good job with your divorce and I’m so glad. Most of my friends whose parents divorced either hate their parents or are really angry at them. And I think you both were great. So thanks!”

At that moment I let out a huge sigh of relief. I had been holding on to so much guilt for so many years. I worried and wondered whether my son would hate me about the divorce. Whether it hurt him in ways he never shared.  Whether he was emotionally scarred by this life altering experience. 

That brief conversation was truly was one of the best moments of my life!

And it also transformed my life. 

Only then did I recognize I had a passion for protecting children of divorce and realized I had so much of value to share with other divorcing parents. 

That’s when I founded the Child-Centered Divorce Network for parents. 

That’s when I became a Divorce & Co-Parenting Coach.

That’s when I wrote my signature book, How Do I Tell the Kids About the Divorce? A Create-a-Storybook Guide to Protecting Your Children – With Love!

And that’s when my life took on new meaning, purpose and fulfillment. I was ignited with the commitment to help parents through one of the toughest times in their life while ensuring that their innocent children don’t fall through the cracks.

As The Voice of Child-Centered Divorce, and an advocate for children of divorce I now coach parents around the world via phone or Skype.

Of course, not all divorces flow smoothly. Not all co-parents work together cooperatively. That’s where Coaching can make a huge difference. Because we can’t wait for our co-parent to be enlightened, see the world as we do, let go of their anger or resentment. 

That’s when we need to bolster our self-confidence, hone our communication skills and dive into our arsenal of helpful tools that shift the energy toward workable resolutions. 

That’s become my goal and my purpose ...

I’ve developed success strategies that support you in protecting and supporting your children. And I’ve written several eBooks and e-courses on child-centered co-parenting.

I’ve developed digital programs on anger management for co-parents.

I’ve also addressed audiences both large and small … been interviewed on TV, radio and podcasts … and continue to write articles for the most respected  divorce and parenting websites and blogs.

I am living my passion. I am helping parents avoid serious mistakes that can negatively impact their children. I have tools and strategies you can tap into to make things better for everyone in the family. And it works!

A few years ago I had the joy of being at my son’s wedding and two years later,  at the birth of my grandchild. I was there along with my husband as well as my former spouse and his wife – all of us celebrating these joyous life blessings together. 

That’s what I wish for your life. 

Don’t allow yourself to stay stuck. There is help, support and solutions available to you. 

Contact me to discuss your challenges so we can find the way to create a happy ending for your family as well! 

You can reach me at [email protected] and at https://www.childcentereddivorce.com.

I look forward to talking with you!