If you've not read part 1 yet, read here
!
As a psychology head like myself, I could only move on from perfectionism when I really truly understood its origin. Even if you're not into psych, I'm sure you'll find the below interesting.
Short answer: Made. Like most of the glorious "traumas" & "personality and behavioral disorders" out there, it all begins with, you guessed it, childhood!
Join me on a trip to "childhood land" to understand why:
- The immense use of the word "perfect". You look "perfect". I need you to be "perfect". You're my "perfect child".
- Using perfect grades/scores as a goal. "I want you to be the 1st/top in your class". The kid is probably the "A student" kid in their class.
- Conditional love, as well as connecting everything to "perfection". "Unless your scores are perfect, you can't play outside/have candy/have mommy & daddy's love".
- Setting unrealistic standards. AKA: perfect standards, and not accepting/tolerating anything below.
As a result, the child feels they're not enough, and nothing they do is ever enough. So, they strive for perfection, thinking that this way, they will finally get "Mommy & Daddy's love and acceptance". This might leave a child to be a perfectionist (and sometimes a people pleaser) by the way!
This perfectionist child will grow up to be a perfectionist fully-grown man or woman in the workplace!
- You're afraid to deliver anything unless it's "perfect". Let's differentiate between attention to detail & doing a great job and pure perfectionism. Perfectionism looks something like this: "I can't submit the documents, not yet, they have to be perfect!"
- You have millions of ideas in your head (or maybe on paper), but you never ACT on those ideas. The reason is that you want them to be perfect. You have this unrealistic "image in your head of how the result should look like" and you decide that unless you can deliver something identical to this image, it's not worthy of being shared! The reason for that is that in your childhood, you've been taught that unless you do perfectly, you're unworthy. And so, unless you break this cycle, the self-sabotage will continue forever!
- Not accepting failure; not by oneself nor by others. This means holding yourself and others to unrealistic perfect standards; which don't exist; since, you know, we're not in a virtuous city!
- Being extra harsh & critical of yourself! You take self-reflection to a whole new level!
- Procrastination & fear of failure (like we said in part 1
).
- You'll find yourself feeling depressed often because you couldn't achieve that goal; that unrealistic goal with extremely high unrealistic standards. And then, you start beating yourself up about it.
- If you found this trip to "childhood land" a bit "traumatic", then probably, you're a perfectionist.
Next part, we'll talk about overcoming "perfectionism" via practical steps that actually worked for me!
Until then, please be kind to yourself & accept that your "current situation" might not be because of your own doing, but you sure as h*** can do something to change it!
P.S.: If I've missed something, let me know in the comments!
