From Love-bombing to Discard
Efi Mesitidou
Helping People Heal from Narcissistic Abuse | Licensed Psychologist & Narcissism Specialist
The vicious circle you can't escape.
Narcissists have this terrifying ability to pick their target and not stop till they achieve their goal: To conquer this person and make it their source of narcissistic supply. To play with it and use it and when they're bored eventually discard it.
When they pick you as their target, they assess you quickly and systematically. They decide if you can provide what they need. You may be a trophy partner whom they want to date and show off. You may be wealthy and they're after your money. Or they might just enjoy the 'hunt' that excites them.
Narcissists immediately spot your weaknesses. It's frightening how great they are at understanding what you really need. So...
The idealization phase begins.
The narcissist mirrors you. They have thoroughly studied you and pretend to be your other half. You'll feel like you found at last your perfect match. You'll think you are in complete harmony, tuned-in on the exact same wave-length.
And this is the phase where they'll make you feel your special. Extraordinary and amazing. They'll shower you with love and adoration... and you'll can't get enough. They'll make you feel like they'll giving you the honor to be 'the chosen'.
They'll love-bomb you and future-fake like there's no tomorrow. They'll sell you fantasies of the life of your dreams. They'll take you to fancy restaurants, buy you expensive gifts, pamper you with luxuries. They'll make plans for traveling abroad. And extremely early in the relationship they'll say they want to marry you.
It will look like a match made in heaven. You'll feel completely intoxicated by them and unable to stay away of them.
The narcissist is now officially your drug of choice.
Although you see the red flags you overlook them. You justify them: 'They had a bad at work'. Or you take it on you: 'Maybe I misunderstood'.
The problem is, it is not you they love. You see, they have a script in their mind and you're just the person they have chosen to play this part. Either you want it or not.
But you don't know yet what's the real deal. You're madly in love and you have dropped your defences. You're under their spell and they break your boundaries. At this point you move to the next phase:
The Devaluation.
So, get ready to take a peek under the narcissist's mask.
Spoiler alert: You won't like what you'll see.
They'll manipulate you constantly. In fact, they always did, but now you'll start realizing it.
You'll find out they'll try to cut your connections to dear friends and family. So that you don't have anyone to turn to when you suffer from their abuse.
They may cheat on you, deceive you, distort facts, and lie to you. They'll gaslight you, so you'll doubt your memory, logic and perception. You'll be verbally abused and they'll insult you. They'll probably fat-shame you. They'll blame you for everything wrong in their lives. They'll fill you with guilt and shame.
And they'll withhold what you want and need. Love, sex, money. But they'll have constant demands from you. You'll receive their aggression and you'll be the target of their rage.
At this point you may painfully realize that there is no happy-ending for this relationship and you may attempt to get out of this horror show. But they won't let you. You'll be under their coercive control and they'll force you to play the role they want you to play.
The mask has fallen and you see the truth. You see the ugliness. Your self-esteem is minimized. Worst-case scenario is to physically abuse you.
But you're probably still in love with them. You have invested so much in this relationship, and you're not willing to give up on your investment.
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And the narcissist alternates the devaluation and the coercive control with some sporadic love-bombing to refresh your hopes and dreams for a happy ending. This alternation, this hot-and-cold-shower is how the trauma-bond is built.
The next phase is inevitable. It's:
The Discard phase.
Either the narcissist had enough of the supply you provided them, they're bored with you, and they found a new victim. Or, they can't stand that you know exactly how disturbed they are.
Or, you have damaged their image and they hate you. You're their deadly enemy now. You have totally enraged them and now they'll be more than happy to destroy you.
The bigger your wound, the greater their satisfaction.
Because these disturbed individuals get validation when they destroy you and they feel special and powerful.
At this point, you just can't believe the monster you saw. The pain and disbelief are unreal.
And they'll either leave you alone or the next phase will begin.
The Hoovering.
It's when they try to drag you back in their life. If the narcissist is not satisfied by your suffering they may do anything to take you back under their control, to punish you harder, to torture you more.
They may start love-bombing all over again. If they see this is not working anymore they may start playing the victim, crying and begging, guilt-tripping you, threatening to kill themselves.
They may act like they sincerely apologize for their past mistakes. If they can't persuade you, they may recruit other people to change your mind.
The Choice is Yours.
Now there are two options:
Choose wisely. Trauma bond is tough. You may need professional help.
Therapy is the best gift you can offer to yourself.
Efi Mesitidou is a licenced Psychologist, CBT therapist trainee. Her focus is on Narcissism and Narcissistic Abuse Treatment and she is currently participating in the 'Certified Narcissistic Abuse Treatment Clinician (NATC) Training' with Dr. Ramani Durvasula, renowned author and narcissism expert.
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