From Intentions to Reflection: Navigating Inclusion Efforts Gone Wrong

Intro:

Inclusion isn't just about inviting people to the table; it's about making them feel welcomed once they're there.

In today’s article, we will dive into inclusion gone wrong and specific steps you can take to repair inadvertent damage and strengthen your professional and personal relationships through “repair conversations.”

This is the second of three weekly articles exploring the topic of allyship actions gone wrong. The goal of this series is to provide you with another set of tools that can help you become a better and more effective ally! Check out Article 1 here: From Confusion to Connection: Mastering the Art of Email Introductions .

I hope you will use these scenarios to spark conversations with your teams.

Remember, while the path to #InspireInclusion isn’t always straightforward, it is rewarding – both personally and professionally.

Scenario: Meeting Inclusion Efforts Gone Wrong

Today, we meet Chris and Ashley, two peers working together on a high-profile project. Chris, who is slightly senior to Ashley, recently went to an allyship training and is excited to apply his recent learnings and is eager to demonstrate his effectiveness as an ally in action.?

Today is the day of a big meeting with a team of senior stakeholders.?

Fifteen minutes into the meeting, Chris realizes that Ashley hasn’t spoken yet and abruptly says, “Ashley, we haven’t heard from you yet. What are your thoughts?”?

Ashley, caught off guard, fumbles through a response. Throughout the meeting, Chris continually asks Ashley for her thoughts or if she has anything to add.

Despite his intention to include Ashley, the constant attention leaves her feeling called out and self-conscious.? Meanwhile, Chris left the meeting feeling proud of his active allyship, believing that he had done his part to ensure Ashley received valuable ‘air time’ in front of the senior stakeholder team.

Reflections:

In this scenario, Chris's efforts to solicit contributions from Ashley during the meeting inadvertently led to her feeling called out and self-conscious. Despite his genuine intention, the outcome highlights the complexities of fostering inclusivity in a team environment.

• What made Ashley feel called out, instead of called in?
• How might intention and action be at odds in this situation?
• What clues / signals could the Chris look for to know whether he’s creating inclusion or exclusion?

Tips:

Inclusion isn't just about inviting people to the table; it's about making them feel welcomed once they're there. Take the time to connect one-on-one with team members to tailor your approach to their specific needs.? This is especially important for colleagues who might be less outspoken; understanding their preferences and finding ways to support them effectively is the key to becoming a more effective ally.

Fortunately, making a mistake like this one is not the end of the world. In fact, by using the following tips to have a repair conversation, Ashley and Chris were able to build stronger trust and understand how to work better together going forward.

[Note: Want an easy way to remember these tips? Look below to find the Leader’s Quick Guide for Navigating Inclusion Efforts Gone Wrong.]?

Tip #1: Make the Repair Conversation a Habit

• Set up a standard post-meeting check-in which includes at least one core question such as “What could we do to improve?”. By making this a habit you will ensure that situations like the scenario above are dealt with quickly and effectively.
• Create a “learn & iterate” mentality on your team. Treat mistakes as learning opportunities, reflecting on outcomes, and adapting strategies along the way.

Ashley and Chris have established a practice of checking in with each other after meetings and have worked hard to build a relationship founded on trust and mutual respect. It is this trust that enabled them to have a meaningful conversation and dissect why Chris’ actions during the meeting missed the mark.

Because of this habit of repair and growth mindset, Ashley was able to share the following during a 1:1, “While I appreciate your effort of trying to include me in the meeting, Chris, your actions didn't make me feel great. I ended up feeling put on the spot and left the meeting feeling a bit discouraged.”

At this moment, Chris took a deep breath, suspended the urge to defend himself, and used tip #2 below to #InspireInclusion.

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Tip #2: Create a Coaching Habit & Get Curious

1. First, from what the person has said to you, identify what type of conversation you are having – a practical conversation (about getting things done), an emotional conversation (about someone’s personal experience and feelings about it), or a social conversation (about other people and/or interactions).
2. Second, adjust your communication style to match the conversation type
3. Third, use a coaching mindset and get curious. Let the other person ‘empty their cup.’ After they tell you a little about what is going on for them, ask “and what else?” or “is there anything else?”

?Chris, having recently tuned in to The Good Life Project Podcast featuring Charles Duhigg's insights on How to Connect Quickly & Deeply with Anyone , recognized that Ashley had initiated an emotional conversation. Suppressing his urge to jump into problem-solving mode, Chris leaned forward saying, “That sounds incredibly frustrating, Ashley! I would be frustrated too. I genuinely want to understand how you're feeling and how I can better support you.”

With this empathetic response, Ashley felt encouraged to share more about her experience during the meeting. As Chris continued to express curiosity and ask open-ended questions like "and what else?," Ashley realized that she had been urged to speak up more in previous meetings on other teams but struggled to do so amidst the fast pace and competing voices.

As Ashley poured out her thoughts, Chris realized that he had unknowingly fallen into the "White Knight" pattern — a behavior rooted in his past experiences protecting his sister from bullying. Recognizing this, Chris understood how his overly assertive behavior could overshadow Ashley's voice and how he had been overly focused on saving Ashley, missing key cues from her that he had overstepped.?

In their subsequent meeting, Chris and Ashley collaboratively devised strategies to support each other. Chris offered to create opportunities for Ashley to contribute during discussions, specifically planning moments in the initial 15 minutes of meetings to ensure her voice was heard. In turn, Ashley suggested a subtle hand gesture to signify when Chris exhibited an overly eager 'White Knight' approach. Surprisingly, they rarely needed this signal, as their open conversation heightened Chris's awareness, making him more considerate in future meetings.

Wrap Up:

As we navigate the intricacies of inclusion, it's essential to pause reflect on our own experiences and interactions.

• Have you ever felt frustration escalate in a conversation? Imagine redirecting it by matching the conversation types.
• Do you tend to avoid tough conversations? Consider embracing them as gateways to deeper connections.

As you start to dynamics at play in your own life, you will start to recognized opportunities to create inclusive spaces for genuine, empathetic conversations.

Remember, there will be time where, much like Chris in that pivotal meeting, our good intentions may have inadvertently led to exclusion. This is when we get to show courageous leadership and strive to cultivate environments where everyone's voices are not just heard but truly valued.

Figure 1: Navigating Inclusion Efforts Gone Wrong – A Leaders’ Quick Guide

Going Further:

Let’s #InspireInclusion!?

• Scenario #1: From Confusion to Connection: Mastering the Art of Email Introductions
• Scenario #2: From Intentions to Reflection: Navigating Inclusion Efforts Gone Wrong
• Scenario #3: From Interruption to Inclusion: Breaking the Silence to Inspire Inclusion [This Article]

More articles by Anne Brocchini - the #Embracing Equity Series:

1. Why Equity Matters
2. Building My Understanding of Equity
3. Creating Safety & Security at Work (Connects to Scenario #3)
4. What Robs a Sense of Belonging? (Connects to Scenario #2)
5. Breaking Free from the battle of "Should-Should-Should"
6. Connecting to Something Bigger at Work
7. Envisioning and Tracing a Path Forward (Connects to Scenario #1)

Note: Learn more about conversation types here: The Good Life Project Podcast with Charles Duhigg - How to Connect Quickly & Deeply with Anyone

Note: Learn more about the AWE question here: The Coaching Habit: AWE The Best Coaching Question

[Note: All names have been changed to ensure anonymity.? The names were chosen from the Social Security Administrations list of Popular Names in the United States in 1990s .]?