From Father to Son

Adventure is an excited state of danger in the wilderness. It’s where there are no deadlines, cell phones or staff meetings. A man’s heart needs a place where nothing prefabricated exists. Look at the heroes of the beginning of the age – Moses doesn’t encounter God at the mall. He is found by him somewhere out in the desert hundreds of miles away from the comforts of Egypt. Where do you go to recover your strength when you’re beaten from work? Where do you go to get refreshed? You know I head to the beach, the woods or the golf course. What is it that pushes us into this direction?

You find yourself asking these questions alone in your solitude – Who am I? What am I made of? What am I destined for? As a man grows and ages, it is fear that keeps him home where things are neat and safe and you’re in control or, so you think. You were not made to stay safe. You were meant for adventure son. If a man is to ever find himself, who he is and what he’s here for, he must go take a journey for himself. He must get his heart back.

The American man lives and dies to be efficient and punctual. Corporate policies and procedures are designed with one goal in mind – to harness a man and make him produce, day-in, day-freaking-out. Your soul, however, refuses to be harnessed. It knows nothing of schedules and deadlines. You are not a mechanism. You need to feel the rhythm of the Earth. You need to have your hands in something. It’s what a boy dreams about! It’s what a man yearns to have.

In nearly thirty years, I’ve come to ask myself, “where are the real men? Where have they gone?” What I’ve seen over a similar period is we, as a society, have asked men to become women. When I look really hard, I see young men becoming nice guys. It seems as if that’s what a model of a Christian man is “supposed to be” – real nice guys. I’ve tried to be a real nice guy. I’ve also seen in some of the churches I’ve been in the Christian man is bored. He’s dutiful and separated from his heart. The problem with that “nice guy” is we, as a society, have not invited a man to know and to live from deep inside his heart.

God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him, male and female he created them. Genesis 1:27 Now we know God doesn’t have a body and His uniqueness can’t be physical. Gender is at the level of one’s soul. In other words, there is a masculine heart and a feminine heart, which in their own ways reflect the world of God’s heart. Instead of asking what you think you ought to do to become a better man or woman, I ask, “what makes you come alive? What moves your heart?” The journey upon you is into a land foreign to many of us, you included. You were born, made to live and to live out loud – to fight a battle, to have an adventure to live and to rescue a beautiful woman.

Your battle to fight – when you were little you were eager to know how powerful you were, what dangers you could find and that you were someone to be reckoned with. You lived an adventurous life every day! If we believe man was made in the image of God, then we would do well to remember, “the Lord is a warrior, the Lord is his name” Exodus 15:3 God is a warrior. Man is a warrior. You, son, are a warrior!

A boy wants to attack something, anything and so does a man, even if it’s only a white ball off a tee. Conversely, boys don’t sit down to tea parties and they don’t call their friends on the phone to talk about girlfriends incessantly. Xbox games are overwhelmingly about battles. The boy is a warrior, the boy is his name. We were made with something fierce inside the heart of every man, of every boy.

In the movie, Legends of the Fall, three distinctly different brothers forged distinctly different paths. Alfred, the oldest is practical, pragmatic and cautious. He moved to the big city, became a businessman yet something inside him dies. Samuel, the youngest, is still a tender child, literate, sensitive and timid. He goes off to war and is killed shortly thereafter. He was not prepared for battle. Tristan had a wild heart. He embodies the wild west spirit – catches the wild stallion, fights a grizzly bear with his knife and wins the beautiful woman. I’ve yet to meet a man who wants to be Alfred or Samuel, yet the way they live their lives, they are Alfred and Samuel. Adventure is written into your heart. And it’s not about just having fun. Adventure requires something of you, puts you to the test. Even though you may fear the test, you still yearn to be tested, to discover you have what it takes. 

You’re also made to find a beauty to rescue – Romeo rescued Juliet, King Arthur fought for Guinevere and Robin to Maid Marian. You’ll never forget the first girl you kissed either. There is nothing so inspiring to a man as a beautiful woman. Never marry an ugly woman son, she’ll suck the life out of you. A man wants to be the hero to the beauty. The battle isn’t enough as you will yearn for romance. It’s not enough to be a hero. It’s that you’re a hero to someone and usually it’s a woman you love. In the beginning, Adam was given the wind, the sea, the horse and the hawk, but as God said, things were just not right until there was Eve. Yes, there is something passionate in the heart of every man.

Not every woman wants a battle to fight, but every woman wants to be fought for. Even as your sister prepares for her wedding day, she wants to be more. She wants to be wanted by her soon-to-be husband. She wants to be pursued, a priority! These are not girlish fantasies either. These are at the core of the feminine heart and the life she knows she was made for. Every woman also wants an adventure to share. The woman is not the adventure – make no mistake. However, this is where many relationships fail, this I know. A woman doesn’t want to be the adventure she wants to be included in it – something greater than herself. She says, “take me into an adventure, one I don’t know.”

As a little girl, she wants to be the delight of her daddy. She asks, “do you see me?” And as she grows and matures, she wants you to know, are you captivated by what you see? If not, then she’s not the one – move on. Don’t delay, don’t wrestle with it – cut it off now – the sooner the better or you will get sucked in and regret the moment you had to start over. What is a Christian woman? Ignore what is said, what you think you hear, and learn with your eyes – what do you see? It’s not just to be a good servant. You can find them at Cracker Barrel. No one is fighting for her and there’s no grand adventure there either – move on. You must know the way to handle the heart. A man must know he is powerful, he must know he has what it takes. A woman must know she is beautiful, she must know she is worth fighting for.

In the movie Braveheart, William Wallace rides in with his band of warriors ready for battle against the English captains. Finally, someone is going to stand up against the English tyrants. So, when you think of Jesus do you think of Mother Theresa or William Wallace? Tender mercy his touch, his teachings? On more than one occasion Jesus picks a fight with the notorious hypocrites. He walks right in and picks a fight. Christ draws the enemy out, exposes him for what he is and shames him in front of everyone. The Lord a gentleman? Not if you’re on the side of his enemy.

Not convinced, no problem. If you have any doubts as to whether God loves wildness, spend a night in the woods…alone. Most of the earth is not safe, but it’s good. Most of us do everything we can to avoid pain or reduce the element of risk in our lives. I see it every day with the people I coach. Yet, it’s the world God has made – a world that requires us to live with risk because God wants us to live by faith. If you remember the story of the people of Israel pinned against the Red Sea, no way out and Pharaoh’s army beating down on them. Then God shows up. Do you know why God loves writing such incredible stories? Because he loves to come through and show us he has what it takes.

God wants more than an adventure. He wants an adventure to share. He delights in being a part of our lives. Do you know why he often does not answer prayer right away? Because he wants to talk to us, and He wants you to talk to him. Sometimes that’s the only way to get us to stay and talk to him is to delay what you think you must have now.

The tragedy of life is what dies inside a man while he lives. – Albert Schweitzer

You were probably too young to remember the lion at the zoo. The wonderful, noble creature that should have been out roaming the savanna ruling his pride, striking fear into the heart of every animal. Instead, he spent every hour of every day and every night of every year alone, in a cage. I remember as night fell, you could hear his roar. It sounded more like a soulful cry, a moan weary of boredom, trapped, captive with no way to escape. William Wallace said, “all men die, few men really live.”

So many guys have been told to put the adventurous spirit behind them and be responsible and live only for duty. If a man doesn’t find things for which his heart is made, if he is never even invited to live for them from his deep heart, he will look for them in some other way. Man’s deepest fear is to be exposed, to be found out, to be called out for being an imposter and not really a man. If there’s one thing a man knows, he’s made to come through. Yet he wonders, can I? Will I? Do you see yourself as a strong, passionate and dangerous kind of guy son?

He begins to die, that quits his desires. – George Herbert

Why did God create Adam? What is a man for? If you know what something is designed to do, then you know its purpose in life. Explore, build, conquer – these are the things you were made to do. That’s what you’re here for. When you think back to the Adam and Eve story, there’s some missing dialog between Adam and God. It may have gone something like this… Adam, one more thing. A week from Tuesday, about four in the afternoon you and Even are going to be down in the orchard and something dangerous is going to happen. Adam, are you listening? The eternal destiny of mankind hangs on this moment. Now, here’s what I want you to do…” He doesn’t tell him. He doesn’t even mention it, so far as we know. Why not? Because God believes in Adam. This is what He’s designed to do – to come through.

Where is Adam when the serpent is tempting Eve? He’s standing right there with her. He is beside her elbow to elbow and then he ate it too Genesis 3:6 What does Adam do? Nothing, absolutely nothing, not a word is spoken, and he doesn’t lift a finger. Every man repeats the sin of Adam, every day. We won’ risk, we won’t fight, and we won’t rescue Eve. We really are the chip off the old block. Adam knows he’s blown it, that something has gone wrong with him, that he is no longer what he was meant to be. Adam doesn’t just make a bad decision, he gives away something essential to his nature.

The same sort of thing goes on Sunday mornings in many churches with a different set of rules. Here’s one for you. Years ago, when we went to the local church in Hoover, I’d run into Bill in the lobby and we’re both wearing our ‘happy faces’ though neither one of us is very happy. We greet each other, and we exchange fake pleasantries, “great, just great Bill” Bill is pissed at his wife and I feel like I’ve been left hanging all alone to wonder why God hasn’t lifted a finger to help me. “Yeah Scott, God is good. I’m so glad to be here today.” This is the phony BS many of us share because we can’t even be honest with ourselves, so we fake it in person while feeling the pain and misery inside.

Then there are the achievers, been that too, running hard at life pressing on to get ahead in life. Most of it is fear-based as well. Not all of it but most of it. Back in the day Abraham was old as the hills, ancient even and had no children. Yet God tells him, ‘ sometime later’ your descendants will be the line from where the Son of Man comes forth. Abraham, just like us, think it’s weeks, months later, not years or decades. He’s old as dirt. How’s this possible?

Like many men after our wedding day, I’m faced with the reality I now have this woman as my constant companion and I have no idea what it really means to love her, nor if I have whatever it is she needs from me. What if I offer her all I have as a man and it’s not enough? That’s a risk I was not willing to make. The evidence is clear. Adam and Eve's fall sent a tremor through humanity. A fatal flaw entered the original man, and it’s been passed on to every son and daughter. Even if he can’t quite put it into words, every man is haunted by the question, “Am I really a man? Have I got what it takes…when it counts?

What follows answers that question and more. A man’s deepest question occurs when he’s a little boy. Miss this moment and you miss a little boy’s heart. It’s not a question. It’s the question. Do I have what it takes? Am I powerful? Until a man knows beyond a shadow of a doubt, he’s a man he will be trying to prove he is while at the same time shrinking from anything that might reveal he isn’t. Many men live their lives haunted by the question or crippled by the answer they’ve received.

He cannot learn it from other boys or from the world of women. The father is the foundation of a boy’s heart and pass on the essential knowledge and confidence in his strength. Throughout the history of Scripture, it is the father who gives the blessing and names the son. A boy may be brought into the world by his mother, and she is the center of his universe in the early years. There comes a time for the shift when he begins to seek out his father’s affection. It’s even part of Eve’s sorrow, the letting go. A boy turns to his mother for comfort and to his dad for adventure, the chance to test his strength and most of all to get the answer to his question.

Masculinity is an essence that is hard to articulate but a boy naturally craves it like food and water – therefore we wrestle, kid around and test his own strength. The testing is essential, to know – do I have the strength like dad? Is it growing, real? Many of us grow to have strained relationships with our mother’s because they think of us like little children never letting go of that image. Somehow this proximity to mothers endangers our masculine journey. You want to feel like a wild man instead of a nice boy. You have what it takes son.

In many ways, dad was a good man and in other’s he wasn’t. My dad never faced the issues of his own wounds as he grew up. He fell to drinking when his life began going downhill. I was about 11 or 12 when I began to realize things weren’t all they seemed to be. Now I was wondering what it means to be a man and ask if I had what it takes to be a man, my dad checked out absorbed into alcohol.

Not spending any more time with him after he fell into alcoholism left me to pour all my desire to be a man into school and sports – that’s all I knew and all I had. How is a young boy to understand what’s going on? Divorce, abandonment or alcoholism create a wound that lingers because we sometimes believe it was somehow our fault. If only I’d been a better boy, things wouldn’t have turned out like they did.

Some wounds are given silently. Dad’s are here, but they’re not here, and the silence can be deafening. I now know I wanted someone to validate my wound as a teen. I’d already lost my mother the year before when she abandoned dad and me. Now, I’d lost my dad to an alcohol-induced accident. I’m left to wonder if I have what it takes. Am I a man? Will I ever be one? My only answer was, “I don’t know…maybe I’ll find out as I get older.”

Every man carries a wound. My hope is by writing to you son, I’ll have some influence to save you years and decades of pain and the hurt I’ve felt over the past forty-three years since my dad died. I didn’t really forgive my dad, until several weeks ago and never realized it until then. Our reaction to our wound shapes our personality. Even after I became a Christian in January of 1981, my wound was still there. Becoming a Christian doesn’t fix everything, but it does give me hope and did give me hope then, I could let go of my pain and give it to God. Yet I was too stubborn to truly let go.

Those events made me very driven, a perfectionist, a procrastinator and fiercely independent not needing anyone or anything. As the years have gone by, I’ve realized that necessarily wasn’t the best solution. In those years, I left a trail of casualties, broken or temporary relationships. You could ask your mother and I would bet at some point during our marriage, she realized, “he doesn’t need me.” My wound was deep and unhealed. I overcompensated for the wound and did whatever I could to ensure you and your sister didn’t face that pain. On and on it goes. My hope is you choose a way of life that gives rise to your true self and not something at the core of uncertainty, stuck or unable to move forward. Nothing worth having comes without a fight and your future will require that of you.

I remember when you used to fight with Demetrius and how proud I was of you that you exerted yourself towards him. This was not about turning the other cheek either. Jesus said, never resist a bully and if you don’t have a sword, go buy one. He wasn’t passive, and neither are you or me. There are too many emasculated men out there today. You are a real man, son!

Boys are boisterous. You were boisterous, active and always moving and going. This is not to say you aren’t those things today or anymore. You’ve matured and grown. Emasculation happens in marriage as well. Women are often attracted to the wilder side of a man, but once having caught him they settle down to the task of domesticating him. Ironically, if he gives in, then he’ll resent her for the rest of his married life. Remember the story of the lion at the zoo?

I went from girlfriend to girlfriend searching for someone that would make me feel like a man. I didn’t get the answer there. I wasn’t the hero of any beauty. I thought that was part of the solution to be a man. I was wrong. Every man remembers Eve, and somehow, we believe if we can find her then we’d also recover our own lost masculinity.

Our society has plenty of boys and very few men. The reason for that is we don’t know how to initiate boys into men. Who defeated the Nazis? Who gave up their seats on the Titanic lifeboats? Who allowed themselves to be nailed to Calvary’s cross? Man is a dangerous thing. So is a scalpel. Man can wound, and man can save your life. You make it safe by putting it in your hands with someone who knows what he’s doing.

Same for horses. A gelding is more compliant, and a stallion is dangerous. If you want the life he offers, you must have the danger too, they go together. Becoming a Christian doesn’t somehow make your troubles go away or reduce them a lot. No one ever told them they were moving to the front lines and then be genuinely shocked someone’s shooting at them. I’m hoping you’re getting the picture here. Do you know why there’s such as assault? The enemy fears you because you are dangerous. When you really take your heart back, live with courage and become valiant, you are dangerous. God has been in the history of son from day one. You are the root of a victorious tree.

I’m here to tell you, you can have your heart back – at any time. Fight for it. Do you hear it? There’s one voice saying, “yeah, I can really do this,” you feel that energy. On the other hand, you feel it too…” oh that’s for someone else…you can’t do this now…is it really worth it?” There’s part of the battle right there! You do have what it takes. Where do we go to get the answer? The Question. Where have you taken it – the question? It’s there and it’s not going away.

Don’t do what I did and take fifty-eight years to finally answer that question and heal a wound I thought I had to carry my entire life. What happens when you take your question to a woman, what happens is either addiction or emasculation. Even if you marry a beautiful woman, there will always be an even more beautiful woman out there somewhere. And you’ll wonder if you could ever have her. I carried a wound from an alcoholic father who never gave me what I crave. When you give a woman the power to validate you as a man, you also give her the power to invalidate you also.

We can’t answer our search for validation and the answer to our question won’t reveal itself until we answer the false question. It takes time to face the illusion and how we can face reality. No man can wear one face to himself and then another different face to everyone else without finally wondering which face is the real you. Be true to who you are son!

Most of our life-changing moments are realized as such much later. I believe in you and whatever I see in you, you may not today. The fact that I believe in you will hopefully give you some belief, too. A man needs to know his name. You got what it takes son! Despite a man’s past and his failures, God can take you on a journey and provide what’s missing. Like you may have, I frequently dismissed this idea with other cynicism. I learned to push down these feelings as a means of surviving on my own. One day, I heard Him speak to me saying, “you don’t have to be miserable…I have a greater life in store for you, if you’ll come with me.” It was at that moment, the heavy burdens I’ve been carrying for decades melted away. That doesn’t mean I have no problems or face zero challenges. Who can give a man his own name? God alone. Only God sees what man is – who you are and what His plans are for you. He will give you the rewards to those who overcome.

Even if I did do my job as a dad, I can only take you part of the way. There comes a time when you must leave all that is familiar and go on the journey with God. This is your journey and you’re called to take one step towards a place in the field, your adventure where your eyes are opened, and you’ll begin asking the right questions. Most of my life I was misinterpreting what God is doing for a long time. I now have Him making my life easier.

It’s not about “why this” or “why that’s happening to me?” I’ve been asking the wrong questions for decades. Instead, it’s what are you trying to show me, what am I to learn from this situation, what are you asking me to let go of? And more…He’s been trying to initiate me for a long time.

A wound is nothing to be ashamed of. You didn’t deserve a wound either. What would it take you to convince yourself you’re truly a man? God is fiercely committed to you, to your restoration and to releasing your masculine heart. He loves you and will thwart your plans to stay where you are ‘in the false question.’ He loves you too much to leave you there. There comes a point when you will no longer rely on that false self. As you open your eyes to the false self, you’ll see how it has failed you. God is not angry with you, he’s not disappointed in you…he wants you to walk and talk with him just as you and I talk. He thwarts us to save us!

Adam had God in the beginning. When the fall happened in the garden, something shifted. Eve took the place of God in a man’s life. Adam chose Eve over God. We must reverse Adam’s choice and choose God. We must take our aches and pains to Him. For only in God will we find the healing of our wound. We no longer are to bury our wounds deep never to be taken out again.

When I decided to let go of my wound, I regained my ability to come through again. There was a lot of fear of failure beneath the surface, fear that I would fail, again. And then I learned there’s no way to fail when God is with me. One example was when Jesus healed the blind man - there were six blind people he healed, and everyone was healed in a different manner. Your healing will be different from mine because it was designed specifically for you.

There are so many wounds so deep that only a miracle can heal us. Masculinity is bestowed by masculinity and God is the only father who could heal me, and He will heal you too! Healing never happens outside of the intimacy with Christ. Here’s what I learned to restore my heart:

Surrender. So simple yet I kept overlooking it. We invite Jesus into the wound and ask him to meet us there. It’s going to be ok, just ask.

Grieve. The wound is not your fault and it did matter. In grieving, we admit the truth we were hurt by someone we loved, and it hurt very much. Take time to grieve.

Let God Love You. Allow Him to love you. I know you’d rather be in control and be recognized for your contributions. Abiding in the love of God is our only hope. God just wants your love, your heart because he loves you.

Forgive. Time has come for us to forgive our fathers and all those who have wounded us. I carried the bitterness of my father for many years and learned it only hurt me instead of giving me freedom. Forgiveness is a choice. Avoid the pain I went through.

Your sins were forgiven when Christ died for us. You’ve been paid for and now it’s time you allow God to father you. Today, you have a new heart! That’s His promise. Your heart is good. What God sees when he sees you is the real you! Ask God what he thinks of you and stick with this question until you have an answer. This is your life’s battle! It may be short, or it may not be, but it is your battle only. This is the last step the evil one wants you to know. He’s fighting in any way possible to keep you under his bonds. Once you answer your question, you’re no longer captive.

Ask, Lord show me what plans you have for me. Show me how I can be an example for your glory. Everyone experiences the answer differently. Some are show visions, dreams, others see things in life unfold as if coincidence. There are no coincidences. He has a plan. You will discover your true glory when you enter your wound. It is out of our brokenness we discover what we have to offer mankind. The power is in us given by God.

I love you, son,

Dad