From Conflict to Connection in 3 Steps
Leah Zimmerman
I make hard conversations easy. Because everything you want is on the other side of a hard conversation. I help CEO's and Business Owners with high stakes conversations and decisions. Family Business Expert/Exit Planning
It happens.?
The relationship has suffered a fracture.?
Now there is a break, a disconnect.?
Sometimes this happens at once, sometimes it happens over time.?
THE CHOICE
You can either work to repair the relationship, or let it stay disconnected.?
(There are times when you may want to stay disconnected. But that's for another time.)?
It happened with me and my husband just recently.?
We had an argument that escalated. It created a disconnect between us that made my stomach hurt.?
Below are the steps we took that can work for you as well.
Step 1 Apologize
This doesn’t mean that you capitulate.?
Here is what it DOES mean:?
Step 2 Reconnect?
You do something additional to show that the relationship matters to you.?
In my marriage, we use shorthand.?
I wrote to my husband to apologize and suggest that we go out for lunch together. We had a nice lunch and conversations sharing our interest in each other's work. We were able to do just an hour later with very little because we have a resilient relationship from practicing doing these steps.
Each time you reconnect after a conflict, you strengthen the connection!
Some relationships will require more attention and care in order to establish a connection. (This is when knowing the AAA Emergency Relationship Service can be very helpful! It’s a tool that I teach in my Masterclass.)
Step 3 Reflect?
Here is the thing, if it didn’t matter, if nothing was at stake, you wouldn’t care.?
If you are upset, that’s a clue.?
Following the clues can lead you to reconnection.?
How do you find the clues??
Through reflection.?
领英推荐
You take time to reflect on what was really happening under the surface. Notice how you feel, what triggered the feeling.
Depending on your circumstances, you may want to get clear on some of the questions below for yourself before having a conversation with someone about it.?
Each question is a clue that can lead you not only to feeling reconnected, but to a deeper connection.?
My husband and I did this the next day and together.?
Question 1: What really Upset You?
For me it was that my husband wanted to end the conversation to get back to his work. In itself it’s not a big thing, but it triggered past injuries (I call them emotional landmines) from childhood of feeling like my needs were being neglected.?
Question 2: what do you wish the person had said or done instead?
What I would have liked was for him to take time to give attention to my concerns when I asked for it and not only when it felt convenient for him.?
Question 3: What really upset the other person??
I learned from listening to my husband that he got stressed when the conversation shifted to something that required a mindset transition. He had been in “scholarly mode” and my conversation required him to go into “budget mode.”
This is a subtle shift, kind of like changing lanes on the highway.
He couldn’t recognize and put language to it in the moment, but afterwards while reflecting, he could recognize that that stress is what made him want to end the conversation.
His stress and attempts to end the conversation in turn triggered my escalation of the conflict.?
Having heard each other and recognized what happened for each of us, we were able to better respond to each other’s underlying needs.?
This will help us to communicate more effectively next time.?
IN SHORT:?
We are always either building or breaking down relationships. Moving closer towards each other or farther apart. But, at any moment, there are conversational and relational moves that can turn around the direction.?
If you set an intention to change directions, then you can find a way to do so.?
I described three steps above:?
Those steps give you tools for creating a U-turn that will move a relationship from conflict to connection. And, every time you bring a relationship from disconnect back into connection, you strengthen the bond.?
YOUR NEXT STEPS?
To get started with this on your own, practice the steps on things that seem easy and almost insignificant. It’s like building a new muscle, start with light weights!?
When you want to accelerate forward there are three ways that I can serve you:?
Ways that I can help you with this process:?
(I do have 1:1 and group coaching, but it is by invitation and referral only.)
Transformative Executive Coach | Leadership Development Architect | Building High-Impact, Scalable Programs | Empowering Leaders to Drive Performance, Transformation & Sustainability
2 年I have come to a place in my life where I actually welcome conflict, because if handled well, using all the tools and resources available to us, many times it leads to much deeper connections. I try to have the end in sight and that helps me navigate the conflict more successfully.
The B2B Blueprint To Predictable Sales Aligns Sales & Marketing & Starts w/ The Intention To Serve **Life Change Speaker**
2 年Teachings over better communication and conflict resolution are always needed and well appreciated. It is important to do the inner work in our personal relationships and to choose to act in order to deter failed relationships, more conflict, and bitter feelings. I appreciate this insightful post and read as usual ?? Leah Zimmerman
Managing Partner at DCG Advisory LLC | Financial Planner /Enrolled Agent offering Fee-Only Financial Planning, Investment Advising, Financial Advising, & Tax Planning
2 年I love this, "We are always either building or breaking down relationships." That is so true. All of this is. I also tell people to fast forward 10 years. What really matters in all of it? Most of the time it is keeping the relationship healthy. (Which means having tools like you mentioned above to keep it healthy.) Thank you for this, Leah Zimmerman!
Thanks for elaborating on the three stages of moving from "conflict to connection." Leah Zimmerman. Both people can benefit from taking stock after a rocky reconnecting and reconciliation, and that includes saying sorry for any hurtful words spoken, as you said. Almost everyone who has ever been in an argument has experienced a situation in which one person goes back to the other and asks, "Can we talk?" to which the other person reluctantly agrees or is resistant. I think the worst likely outcome is that neither of the individuals begins a conversation by offering "Let's talk". Can we picture the possibilities for mending fences after an argument if both people said "let's talk about this" instead of "let's have a war about who was wrong and who was right"? Because disagreements over words can happen between anyone, not just those with whom we are particularly close, I think it's fair to allow that the "reflection" part will help us to respond less angrily, more rationally, objectively and calmly.