From [!] to [?], a Communication Must-Do For Leader and Anyone Passionate About Their Ideas.

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and felt completely shut out? Or tried to make an important point, only to be met with resistance?

For most people the answer is evident. Whether trying to address conflict with a colleague, presenting an alternative approach at a team meeting, or simply having a conversation on a touchy subject with a loved one, being caught in a discussion that's going nowhere is a universally common experience.

As humans, when you feel your views, beliefs and efforts at communicating are being rejected or denied emotions start to run high, and very rapidly you shift into fight or flight mode * . In this state your biology defaults to reflexive and reactive patterns that are never compatible with intelligent, thoughtful and collaborative discussions.

When your rat brain takes the lead in your negotiations:

In a conversation fight or flight gets expressed in one of two ways:

• Fight - you push back usually using the same "yes, but..." approach that your intended listener has used with you, often to no avail. This response style creates more tension, more emotions and less engagement for both parties.
• Flight - you concede, give up, agree to disagree without further constructive discussion, and certainly with little agreement or acceptance of the fact that you were not heard.

This pattern plays out on a daily basis in offices, board rooms, and households across the world. Our reactions to feeling misunderstood or rejected can undermine our success, our teams' success, and the our ability to impact we want to.

In an ideal world, you could 'check your emotions' and calmly revisit whatever issue is being misunderstood. In the real world, shifting out of an intense emotional state is a tricky. Worse yet, the stronger the emotion, the more difficult it is reset, but it's not impossible. There is a way to stay engaged and have a meaningful exchange even when you're in the throws of that primal fight or flight reaction. Practice this simple behavior and not only will you be heard, it will help you build stronger, more committed relationships with others.

When your inner bear comes out shift from [!] to [?]

Imagine you have a great idea for the launch you and your team have been working the past month. You approach your colleagues at the next team meeting. You lay out all the reasons why this plan of yours could make this the company's best launch ever. The minute you start talking about shifting strategies you can see it. Their jaws tighten, they start to squirm, and the first "yes, but..." flies in he face of your presentation mid sentence, and you know they're not listening to you, they don't get it, worse they're not even giving you a change to show them why this makes sense for everyone involved.

Usually, this is the point where you first try to calmly redirect the conversation, then parry their "yes, buts..." with your own, only to eventually shut down and leave the meeting frustrated and dismissed.

What if instead of pushing your point, you used your own frustration as a cue to shift gears. Don't fight their resistance, join it; hear them out first, listen and learn.

Yes, you're the one who's vying to be heard. And creating space for someone else's resistance might seem both counterintuitive and, for some, weak, except that it is not. Reframe the experience as a strategic one, and suddenly you'll realize that by understanding where their resistance comes from, you can better argue/present your perspective and minimize their internal roadblocks.

The easiest way to shift into this new framework of 'hearing to be heard' is to start asking questions. These questions are not designed to poke holes or dismantle an argument. Rather, their purpose is to create space to understand another's perspective and make them feel heard. The strategy interrupts the "rejection/denial" response and allows them to shift out of fight or flight. In a short video published earlier this year, Jacqueline Twillie talks about a female leader reaction to negative feedback from her team, and shares a system called FLOW that incorporates this very approach to reduce resistance, increase engagement and grow as a leader.

By deescalating the tension between their and your views, you create space for your own emotions to reset. Now you not only have the cognitive capacity to engage in meaningful conversation, you have a better understanding of what's standing in the way of being understood, and the person you're talking to is in a better place to receive your response.

Think curling, not tennis

So the next time you find yourself caught in a Wimbledon worthy exchange of "yes, buts" with someone, use your inner frustration and anger as a cue to shift from exclamations to questions. Work with the resistance, follow it. See what happens as your conversational opponent shifts from defending to explaining their perspective, and note how effective this simple approach can be to your leadership, collaboration and general conversational goals.

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Want some extra reading?: Here's a great article by Elista Dermendzhiyska about the neurobiology of resistance that explains beautifully why we shut down when we feel misunderstood.

#leadership #communication #teambuilding #women #bridgethegap