From Candy Connections to True Belonging: Why We're Starving for Something Real

“I’m starving!” I lamented.

“I’ve got chips.”

“Chips aren’t food,” I said with a look of pure WTF.

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The Difference Between Junk and Sustenance

As a high school freshman, I had B lunch, which meant sitting through four classes before getting to eat. In my 4th period class, I sat in front of the hottest guy in my grade. You might be thinking, “Dr. Ashley, that’s awesome for you!” But back then, I was a pretty socially anxious teen, and I was mortified when he teased me about hearing my stomach growl.

Beneath my flaming cheeks and embarrassment, I vowed to eat a bigger breakfast the next day.

And I did.

And, to my horror, my rebellious stomach continued to growl all through Mr. Tucket’s geometry lecture.

No matter how much I gorged myself on cereal or waffles in the morning, it just wouldn’t tide me over.

Now I have a better handle on what my body needs for true nourishment, and it certainly isn’t sugary cardboard.

My point here, though, isn’t about diet. The moral of the story is that just because it’s easy or common or superficially appealing doesn’t mean it’s good for us.

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We’re Starving… for Connection

I cannot tell you how many times and in how many contexts I have heard just how desperate we are for connection. True connection.

Not superficial chitchat.

Not meaningless dribble.

Not fake.

Not based on shared complaints or mutual hate.

Not going through the motions or performative interactions.

Not coming at us through some screen.

We are looking for something real, sustaining, something soul-fueling not sucking.

We are longing for belonging.

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Belonging v. Fitting In

14-year-old Ashley’s fear of being judged was large and in charge, and she begged her mom for a Dooney and Burke purse because “everybody else has one.”

“Would you jump off a bridge if everyone else did?”

“YES!”

Poor Past Ashley was all about fitting in.

And I get it.

A sense of belonging is a human need—yes, need, as in on par with food, water, and shelter. As with so many things, it goes back to evolution, which is concerned primarily with survival.

Early humans needed the tribe in order to survive. Our nervous systems are designed for nurturing, bonding, and connecting. We are meant to be in community, to care for each other, to help each other.

The idea of not belonging is scary, on a deep down fundamental level, because for our ancestors, not belonging meant not surviving.

As is often the case when it comes to anxiety, we work really hard to avoid the things that trigger it. We are so afraid of being judged or rejected or rocking the boat or somehow incurring a negative reaction from others, that we do whatever we can not to. In other words, we try to fit in.

We mold ourselves to what we perceive to be others’ expectations.

And if you’re thinking, “Nuh-uh, not me. I don’t give a f*** about what people think.” Let me ask you this, dear friend. Are you ok being vulnerable? Letting your soft underbelly show? Letting your guard and defenses down?

I didn’t think so.

People-pleasing and not giving a f*** are two sides of the same avoidance coin. And both get in the way of true belonging.

As Brene Brown says, “True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are.”

In other words, to be authentic.

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Authenticity and Authentic Connections

Authentic was Merriam-Webster’s word of the year in 2023. According to an interview in the BBC, the number of online searches for the word skyrocketed “as the line between real and fake became increasingly blurred.”

I have written and spoken numerous times about authenticity and vulnerability being the path to real connection. And I will double down on that now.

Interestingly, I’m not the only one.

I attended an HR event last week, and the keynote speaker, Erin Hatzikostas , spoke about authenticity. She said authenticity isn’t about “bringing your whole sh*tty self to work.” Instead, it’s about being genuine and original and doing what needs to be done. It’s “exposing who you really are when people least expect it in the service of others.”

She meant that it’s about letting your guard down, letting your imperfections show, and giving others permission to do the same.

Every single one of the other speakers touched on this theme of being real, of connecting to the humans around you in a genuine and worthwhile way.

We are starving for meaningful relationships, at work and outside of it, yet trying to stave off the hunger with the relational equivalent of cereal and waffles.

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Candy Connections

It can be scary or uncomfortable to use authenticity as the vehicle to connection, and our brains love to avoid anything scary.

They also avoid hard. Things that take effort or energy.

And relationships take both of those things.

I have often said that relationships are like plants. They need to be watered, nurtured in order to grow. Otherwise, they’ll shrivel and die.

It takes effort to foster real connection.

So, instead, we’re going for the candy version of it. Tasty yet empty.

We “connect” on social media, mistaking likes and comments for relationship building. We engage in polite small talk or stick to the accepted script. We play the part we’re supposed to play. We stick to our echo chambers, letting it strengthen our righteousness… and the distance between us.

We “connect” with the ultimate goal of selling or getting something, and those transactional interactions leave us feeling kind of gross.

We don’t say the things that need to be said or ask the hard questions. We don’t go as deep as we need to. All to keep things pleasant.

Or we talk at each other, pointing out all the ways you’re wrong, and I’m right, finding a weird satisfaction in cutting down the other person’s faulty logic.

Those candy connections might seem appealing, maybe even enjoyable for a brief moment, but they’re going to rot your teeth. The sustenance they provide doesn’t last nearly long enough.

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Nourishing Connections

We need the social equivalent of leafy greens. You might have to work really hard to learn to like them, but, trust me, with the right seasoning, they’re actually pretty good.

At the risk of being a broken record, we need curiosity, courage, and compassion.

We need to be curious about each other. That means asking questions, even the hard ones.

And it also means listening! Like really listening. Listening to understand, not to respond or to win.

Set aside judgments and fears and take a genuine interest in someone else. That right there will go a long way toward real connection. Even better if you can follow that interest with acceptance.

Courage comes into the equation because we need to be authentic and vulnerable. When we let our imperfections show… others will most likely do one of two things. One, they’re going to feel closer to you and/or two, they’re going to return in kind. Both roads lead to genuine connection.

Finally, we need a crash course in compassion. The cheat code here is empathy (try to see the world from their perspective. Note, not your perspective from their position, their perspective from their position) + kindness.

Just like cooking a nutritious meal takes a little more intentional time and effort than swinging through a drive-through or ordering delivery, nourishing connections do, too. Honestly, though, once you get used to it, cooking doesn’t feel like such a chore.

And neither will making real connections.

This month, I challenge you, dear friend, to forgo those candy connections and seek out something real.

And, for the love of all things holy, put your phone down while you do it.

Join me for a LIVE Ask the Author on March 11!

On Tuesday, March 11 at 12 p.m. CST, Kimberley Quinlan, LMFT , host of Your Anxiety Toolkit Podcast, and I will be teaming up with the Anxiety and Depression Association of America (ADAA) for a live Ask the Author Q&A. I'll be answering all of your burning questions! If you can't make it live, no problem. Hit reply to this email with your question, and we'll do our best to get it. Then, you can catch the replay on YouTube.

Register for free at https://adaa.org/webinar/consumer/ask-author-q-way-i-see-it-psychologists-guide-happier-life.

“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are.” - Brené Brown