From Burnout to Coach – The Plant Medicine Ceremony

The next few articles you'll find on my LinkedIn profile are about the journey I undertook, from burnout to coach. If you're interested in how a—then—mind-first, egocentric middle-aged man experienced a sweat lodge, a magic mushroom ceremony, an ice bath, and breathwork, you’ll find it right here on my page.

According to Akuna: Journeying with Plant Medicines. In Akuna's living room, we embark on a journey through the use of a plant medicine (truffles). In this ceremony, we collectively venture inward within a safe environment and under guidance. This experience provides insight into our own lives and selves, creates new perspectives, fosters personal growth, and helps us discover our true selves.

At the bottom of the stairs, several men awaited in front of the closed door to the ceremony room. Soon, Gerard opened the door, and we were asked to choose a spot. On the wooden floor of the large hall, mattresses were laid out for all the men, and in the corners, four chairs were placed. The heavy blackout curtains were closed, and there was soft lighting.

Michiel sat against and in the middle of the left wall with a laptop setup. On both sides of him, two gigantic speakers, each about 2 meters high, stood tall. In the middle of the room, in front of Michiel, a low table had been transformed into an altar adorned with crystal pieces, burning candles, incense, and various cups and glasses. Next to it were jugs of water.

I chose a mattress far from the speakers, right at the opposite edge, near the glass sliding door. Sunlight streamed through under the curtains onto the floor. Gerard spoke, "Dear brothers, welcome to the plant medicine ceremony. You have all chosen a spot. In the four corners, you see chairs. The guides will sit there during the ceremony, and you can signal them if you need anything. When you embark on your journey shortly, try to keep the experience internal. You all have an eye mask, and we recommend keeping it on throughout the journey. There are also weighted blankets. You can ask the guide in your corner for one if you wish. If you need to use the toilet, ask a guide for help because you might be a bit unsteady on your feet later. We will now distribute the truffles."

Stijn walked by with a mug bearing my name. I quickly inquired if I had been given the high dose, and he stared at me but confirmed. Hmm, did that go smoothly? After everyone got their mugs, Gerard spoke up, "Now, break the truffles into small pieces, and we'll bring you hot water to make tea. As you break the truffles, reflect on your intentions for this journey and keep them in mind. It will help you explore those aspects during the journey." Mine were: less control, more trust, and easing a bit of anger towards my wife.

I looked into my mug and, to my surprise, found a lot of truffle. Not just a bit like on pasta in Italy, but a heap taking up about 1/4th of the mug. Oh my, this is more than I expected. I started crushing the truffle and thought about my intentions.

Then hot water was poured into the mugs from jugs. "Gentlemen, you will now drink the tea. Whatever remains, you can eat with your spoon." The hot water was already at drinking temperature, and I drank the tea fairly quickly. It tasted quite okay. Then, spoon in hand, I emptied the mug.

In the background, Michiel put on calming music. The volume gradually increased. 'Brothers, we wish you a beautiful journey. Lie down comfortably, put on your eye mask, let the music guide you, and enjoy!' Here we go. I put on my mask, lay down, and listened to the music. Michiel turned up the volume. One thing was for sure; those speakers had cost a fortune. Crystal-clear meditative music rolled through the ceremony room.

After about ten minutes, something began to dawn on me. Out of nowhere, I was taken over by a play of moving colors and images. This spectacle unfolded in my mind; I lay with closed eyes. The colors and images looked cartoonish, as if an amusement park were passing by on my retina but super intense and very close. It felt as if I were part of this new dimension where I now found myself 200%. Oh, this was intense.

I began to resist the increasingly crowded space in my head. It slowly turned into a kind of MC Escher-esque version of rapidly moving images but not in black and white, rather intense primary colors. The mix changed to a cross between a TV test pattern and a high-speed amusement park. A kind of fear took over as I had zero influence on this intense spectacle, and every connection with the outside world was lost.

After some time, the film on my retina began to take on dreadful forms. The colors mostly disappeared, except for white, black, and red. It began to resemble a horror movie in the form of a poorly moving tattoo, and soon, devils danced before my eyes, and I saw a lot of blood and scary scenes. Fear struck me to the core. This was not going in the right direction; no, it only got worse.

I felt attacked in my head. One thing was clear to me then. My control system was in a battle with the truffle, and the bloody devil's play depicted this struggle. There was no way to return to normal reality, and believe me when I say I tried hard for that. The more I tried, resisted, the worse the scenes became.

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Star Wars

I couldn't handle this; help! I ripped off the eye mask, a huge mistake in hindsight because now I entered the 'real' world, but it was like Star Wars. Everything was moving; cords of lights and colors hung everywhere on the walls, and this reality looked super spacey and seemed frightening. It was as if a kind of pink pulsating energy emanated from all things in space, which I could suddenly see.

A few brothers were walking around, probably heading to the toilet, and it wasn't going smoothly. They walked in vague steps, half-leaning, supported by guides, toward the door. It was a reasonably disorganized mess out there, at least that's how I saw it. Stijn was squatting further away next to a brother. I beckoned to him, and he quickly came to me. 'Stijn, I'm completely out of my mind, man. You have horns, pitch-black eyes, and you're all red. I've never been so messed up, man!' 'I know exactly what you're seeing,' said Stijn. 'I recognize it in your gaze. I've been through this too. The only thing you can do is breathe through it. Put your eye mask back on. Do you want a weighted blanket?' I thanked him and would like such a blanket. Stijn hurried to the wall with the light show and came back with a blanket, laying it over me. 'Breathe, and I'm here if you need me.' So, he closed our bizarre interlude, and I closed myself off again by putting on the mask and choosing madness. The blanket was quite nice; it provided a pleasant pressure and grounded me better. I think this helped somewhat, but I had to breathe through a whole horror show first, which felt like a very long time. During that breath journey, where it truly felt like I had to breathe for my life, I cursed everything and everyone. I felt maximally screwed over and deceived. I even thought about an aunt who also took truffles and told me she saw 'some' colors, yes, but mainly had a good time. She could go to hell.

The most frightening thing was that it felt like I could no longer leave this new dimension. Never again. That I would forever remain in madness without sight of the normal world. During this bizarre breathing journey, I started sweating like crazy, felt super hot and then cold, and it seemed like everything I was wearing was soaked. It was the least of my concerns.

That my assumptions were getting in my way had become clear multiple times. I had a very clear idea of this truffle ceremony. A microdose and some light effects while I could meditate through my mind, thus saying goodbye to inhibiting self-images. That was the assumption. But here, during the actual journey, I got a massive beating, and the assumptions flashed through my head like lightning bolts. And it felt like I could barely keep my head above water.

But behold, breathing helped somewhat. I remembered Michiel's statement again. 'The plant medicine does what it needs to do for everyone,' and I slowly gained more confidence in a positive outcome. I decided to take off the mask again, build in a little break. The outside world was still observable through a filter of color, light, and moving energy rays. I saw Stijn again in the distance, thankfully looking less devilish, still with a red skin and black eyes but without horns, and that was encouraging for someone heavily tripping and barely surviving, at least in his feeling. I looked around the room and saw the brothers lying with and without eye masks. The guy next to me hadn't moved at all as far as I knew. He lay with a smile on his face, and seemed to be doing well.

I felt calmer now, maybe a slight urge to pee, but no way I would walk to the bathroom now. That would never work, so suppressing the urge to pee was the best option. Eye mask on, lying down, and experiencing. The music was a beautiful mix of all kinds of meditative, relaxed sounds. I felt more peace descending upon me and more willingness to surrender. That surrender became easier and easier.

Suddenly, a familiar tune came out of the speakers. 'I release control and surrender to the flow, of love, that will heal me.' Wow, goosebumps on my arms and a lump in my throat. The previous day in the sweat lodge, we had sung this text together with all the men multiple times. This song pushed my control urge completely to the background, and I was now open to the experience. Super grateful to Michiel for playing this song right now, and a tribute to the speakers. There were several layers in the music. For example, there was a low tone as a constant in the space, almost tangible. The intense pressure of colors and images decreased in my head and made way for a pleasant feeling and a more open view of the dimension I was in. There was more space, and the images now played out as if you were watching a movie but sitting in the TV, as part of the program. So not directly on my retina anymore. I was still 100% under the influence, but the flow was better, the speed was gone, and I started moving with the music in my consciousness.

The intention to let go of more control had been exactly what started this journey in an inner conflict but had already been addressed very clearly. I had to surrender to the here and now, and only then could my journey truly begin.

A beautiful and lengthy journey lay ahead, and I had gained confidence in a positive outcome. The music was a delightful companion on this journey, guiding me through the right paths and lanes, often leading to new insights and beautiful images of my life and the important people around me. Each new song that emerged from the speakers added a different twist to my journey, unfolding a new story with fresh perspectives. I experienced the images and dreamlike stories from a third-person perspective, devoid of judgment, negativity, or evaluation—merely as an experience but with a complete sense of openness and love. Around me, I heard the most peculiar sounds from my brothers. There was crying, but there were also stories being told aloud by a brother to himself. Frequently, there were exclamations of 'aha!' indicating insights were dawning. It was a melting pot of emotions throughout the room, and I would later ponder what kind of spiritual power this might possess and whether it would be palpable in the room, like an energy field.

Glancing around the room, I saw Michiel playing the guitar live with the music, and Gerard wandered through the room with a plant sprayer, giving me a refreshing spray on my face. The droplets emitted a pleasant scent, deepening the experience of the journey.

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Oneness

The most beautiful moment of the journey was yet to come, once again triggered by the music. The song that unfolded took me to an unbelievable place. It felt as if the dawn, with the first rays of sunlight on my face, promised a new and splendid day. That new day arrived. A crystal-clear white darkness. An indescribable unity of certainty, beauty, consciousness, and endless peace. I understood how everything is interconnected, and that I too was a part of it.

The universe had unfolded, and I floated weightlessly like an astronaut without a suit through space. Everywhere around me were galaxies, black matter, and total peace and quiet. I would recall this experience many times later and relive it during meditation moments. Everything I thought I knew was irrelevant; the connected energy I felt was the only thing that mattered. If this explanation of my experience raises questions, I completely understand. The only way to comprehend this experience is to embark on the journey yourself.

After feeling the essence of life for some time, understanding that it's not about you or me but about the connection and unity of everyone and everything on Earth and beyond, I floated into my next story. At one point, I felt so one with everything that I believed I no longer needed to breathe. The pressure in the bladder was also gone. I felt empty. Empty but also full. So full that fresh oxygen was no longer necessary. This feeling—and I still think I really wasn't breathing—lasted a long time and was blissful. I needed nothing, only to be present. I was in balance, an experience I probably only had as a baby in the womb. I felt the complete connection with my brothers, yes, my brothers. We who were on this journey together and shared everything.

The journey unfolded, and tears flowed freely—perhaps a release of pent-up emotions, but mostly a manifestation of joy and profound insights. My reflections centered on the beautiful, innocent people in my life. Adopting a third-person perspective allowed me to objectively observe my family, harboring no grievances but rather experiencing their inherent goodness, well-intentions, and innocence.

With the introduction of a new song, my focus shifted to my wife. I felt the undeniable connection between us and couldn't help but cry for her innocence, realizing there was no need for anger. Each moment brought a profound release, akin to layers peeling away, drawing me closer to the core. And that core was me.

The last part of the journey arrived, a light edition of what I had gone through before, relaxed by the music. At some point, I felt that the plant medicine was starting to wear off, so I took off the mask again, a bit impatient about how much longer it would last. At that moment, a burst of laughter rolled through the room, as you might know from the wave in a football stadium. The wave rolled in my direction, and all the brothers were swept up in it. I didn't laugh, but I was glad that the connection was so good.

The last songs from the speakers decreased in intensity, and we reached the end of the journey. It was pleasantly dark in the room. Most brothers sat upright on their mattresses, but some still lay with masks on. Michiel gave everyone the opportunity to recover calmly and awaken in the 'normal' world. I had been aware of typical kitchen sounds emanating from the connecting door to the kitchen for some time. This meant that Bob was working on the evening meal, and I was quite hungry by now. The door opened, and Bob walked around with a large bowl of dates in chocolate. What a sweet delight. Gerard asked us all to sit in a small circle around the altar. He would conclude the ritual with a thank-you speech. Around me, I heard smacking sounds, but otherwise, it was quiet. Everyone sat around the altar in varying degrees of drowsiness. I felt a considerable headache and took a large glass of water from a pitcher in front of me. The incense still burned on the altar, and now I noticed that there was much more to see there. All kinds of sprays, herbs, drums, a guitar, and more items lay on it or around it. Gerard led us in a thank-you speech for the beautiful journey. All the brothers also thanked for the journey, and then it was time for the evening meal.

I asked Bob what time it was, and it turned out to be 22:30. My goodness, we spent about 6 hours in the ceremony. No wonder I was hungry. We walked as a group to the kitchen, and there it was magic hour again. This time, the emphasis was on sweet treats. Bob had outdone himself again, greatly appreciated by everyone. There were various types of ice cream, including a Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Brownie, vegan style. I took a generous spoonful in a deep bowl and added a substantial piece of apple pie, homemade and still warm from the oven. A mug of tea on the side, and let's eat. There was cautious talking at the dining table. Gerard had indicated that we could share our personal experiences but that it wasn't necessary, and we should follow our feelings and keep it gentle. As the men finished their plates, the table also became emptier. I wished Jorrit a good night's sleep and also went upstairs for the second night at Akuna.

One thing was abundantly clear: My intentions for the journey were fulfilled, and control is no longer the dominant force in my life.

Niels

www.breathinspiration.com?I?Facebook?I?Instagram

My next article will dive into the breathwork session. You can expect weekly articles providing insights in my personal development journey. Have you ever experienced a transformative retreat? Share your story in the comments!

(Snippet from my book 'Mensweekend')

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