How I turned From Being Physically and Mentally Broken And Became The Bionic Woman

To look at me, you wouldn't know that I've suffered both mental and physical trauma over the past 10 years. However, the physical scars are hidden well and it's easy to hide the mental trauma.

In my 20s and early 30s I suffered from severe migraines. They were so bad that I couldn't plan things for the days ahead, because I may be bed ridden. When I was 22 years old, I had a mini stroke and was put on blood thinning medication, along with a concoction of other meds.

I had always had a passion for fitness, so at the age of 30 I qualified as a PADI diving instructor. However, it was when I was training that I discovered that I had a hole in my heart and this needed closing urgently. Within weeks I was having surgery to place a device into my heart in order to close the hole.

Soon after my migraines stopped and my life was completely different. I couldn't have been happier, although the one down side meant that I would be unable to dive ever again.

Nine months later I discovered I was pregnant with my daughter. This felt like a miracle to me, because I had been told that it would be most unlikely that I would ever be able to carry a child.

At the time I worked as a Lawyer and thoroughly enjoyed my job. However, my priorities changed once I had my daughter. As she grew up I knew that I didn't want to be a mum who was never there at the school gates for drop off and pick up, so I put in a request at work to reduce my hours to 28 hours per week.

Although this was authorised, I specialised in Employment law, which is incredibly fast paced. My scheduled day off was on a Wednesday. It very quickly became apparent that when I came into work on a Thursday I would have all my work from the Tuesday and Wednesday to deal with, plus I was expected to take on new cases in order to reach my targets. I was the only person who worked reduced hours and my work was not allocated to anyone else whilst I was out of the office.

I realised that the only way to get my work done was to work through my breaks and stay late. This got later and later when I was threatened with a performance improvement plan if I didn't reach my targets.

I soon found myself working 70-80 hour weeks. I was exhausted, unhappy and stressed. I stopped doing all the things I enjoyed, such as going to the gym and socialising with friends. I started to dread the next day at work and would spend most of my weekend stressed, because I was worried about the amount of work I had to do on a Monday. I would cry when I came home every night and be sick before I went into the office in the morning.

After months of working this way I started to make mistakes. On one occasion I sent an email to the wrong person, and although there was nothing confidential attached to the email, I was suspended for a week while an external investigation took place to find out if I had been negligent. My employer also reported me to my professional body to inform them of the disciplinary. This was incredibly stressful, because I thought my legal career was over.

I was given a final written warning and I remember my Line Manager telling me that 'we are not humans, we're robots, so mistakes cannot happen'.

It was after this that my panic attacks started. The first time I had one, I had no idea what was happening to me. I thought I was dying. I couldn't breath, my heart rate was through the roof and I was perspiring so much. On some occasions my feet would tingle and burn and I would lose the feeling completely in my hands for hours sometimes.

I had various tests at hospital, including MRI scans and nerve conduction tests, which was like a form of torture. All my results were negative, but I knew something was definitely wrong.

My performance at work suffered and my Line Manager was constantly on my back to improve. Having been in the job for 14 years and always performed to the top of my level, I had no lost my confidence and self-esteem. I felt like a failure in all aspects of my life and didn't know what to do.

In May 2013 I collapsed and was rushed to hospital. It was thought that I had had a stroke, or a heart attack, but I was eventually diagnosed with extreme stress. I knew something had to change and I remember reading a quote that 'people don't leave bad jobs, they leave bad bosses'.

I therefore made the difficult decision to resign and get a job local to where I lived. I also trained as a Spin Instructor and started a qualification in mindfulness and Advanced Nutrition.

Over the next couple of years I finally started to become me again. My confidence and self-esteem was returning, the panic attacks were becoming infrequent and I enjoyed my new job.

After 2 years in my new job I was head hunted by a Company that I had always wanted to work for. It was back in Bristol and I knew it would be demanding. I went to the interview and was offered the job, but my instinct told me not to take it. A few months later they approached me again about the job. This time I accepted it, but on the condition I could have flexible working.

In the first few months I thrived and even won an award for employee of the quarter. This helped my confidence, because I started to believe that I was good enough after all.

My commute to work was cycling, because this kept me fit and it was a great way to start my day. On 23 January 2017, whilst cycling down a main road close to my office, I hit a wet patch in the road and went right over my handle bars. My head hit the road and split my helmet in two and one of the handle bars drove deep into my leg, leaving the biggest haematoma I have ever seen. Thankfully no serious damage was caused, but I was unable to walk for 2 weeks.

By 21 February 2017 I felt fit enough to cycle again. However, I decided I would only cycle when the weather was dry. That morning was dry, so I continued with my journey. As I came to the same road that I had had my previous accident on, I deliberately slowed down. I could see that there were still large puddles everywhere and I would have to cycle through the one that I had hit before in order to join the cycle path...

The rest is a blur. I woke up in an Ambulance and knew I had done something serious had happened. I couldn't believe it when I was told that I had come off my bike in exactly the same place as before. This time, I was left unconscious for around 20 minutes and my face had taken most of the impact.

Several CT scans later and I was told that I had broken all of the bones around my orbital area, I had a hole in my skull above my eye brow, my left cheek was completely shattered, I had broken my jaw and had a small fracture at the base of my skull. I was also unable to hear in my left ear. It was touch and go whether I would lose the sight in my left eye and my injuries were so severe that it was too dangerous to operate for 2 weeks, because I may not survive the anaesthetic.

On 6 March 2017 I had major facial reconstructive surgery to rebuild my face, using pins and plates. I had to wait over another year to have surgery to get my hearing back.

My life changed in an instant. For 4 months all I was able to do was eat smoothies and soup, because I couldn't open my mouth wide enough to get anything more than a straw in. I could hardly walk and I was in and out of hospital several times. because I kept having relapses. My husband became my carer, having to do everything for me and that soon started to have an effect on our relationship. Washing my hair was horrendous, because I had 60 stitches and staples around my hair line. I won't lie, I went to some pretty dark places and when I thought my marriage was over and I'd lose my job I managed to walk the 100 metres to my local beach at night and sat on a rock, while the tide came in and washed over me. I was numb and very sad. The Coastguard had to rescue me. I have no idea if I intended to take my own life, but all I could think at that moment was the world would be better off without me and I hated myself.

This was when I made a turn around. I remembered what I had learnt on my mindfulness course and started to listen to inspirational Podcasts. I started to live in the present moment and taught myself how to play the guitar watching Youtube videos. I had a skiing trip booked to the South of France in January 2018, but my Consultant told me that I wouldn't be able to travel, because the flight could kill me, because of the pressure around my skull and sinus area and I wouldn't be able to deal with the altitude on the ski lifts.

This was when I started to set myself big goals. The first was to go skiing. We decided to get the Euro Star to France, rather than fly and I managed the altitude of the ski lifts by getting off at each level and waiting a few minutes for the pressure in my skull to normalise. I even managed to race at the end of the week and I loved it.

My next goal was to get back on a bike. I had always been a keen and experienced cyclist, but since my accident I had developed a fear, which I guess was understandable, but I knew I had to prove to myself that I could cycle again. I decided to enter a half Ironman event in August 2018. I can't say I enjoyed it, partly because it was the hottest day of the year, but I completed it and to say I was proud is an understatement.

I had now returned to work, but I was slower than I was before my accident and I would often forget things. Due to the loss of hearing in my left ear and working in an open plan office, I also struggled to hear people. This became a big problem, because I wasn't meeting my targets and I had to have all my work checked and all my calls listened to. I felt undermined, because nothing I did was good enough and I was just expected to be like I was before my accident.

The threats of a performance improvement plan came again, despite my Neuropsychologist reporting that I would not be able to expect a recovery for at least 2 years, as I had experienced a moderate brain injury. The onus was placed on me to get better and although I felt good most of the time, I had no control over some aspects of my recovery.

This was where my next goal took place. I knew I was good enough and that this was not my fault. I started exploring my values and establish what I really wanted. I had always loved helping people and won awards during my career for my customer service skills. I had also always loved health and fitness. I decided to embark practice what I had learned during my Advanced nutrition course and qualify as an NLP Practitioner and Life Coach. I made the huge decision to leave my legal career behind and set up my own business, where I now do inspirational talks at events and businesses around ending the stigma on mental health. I'm a Time to Change Champion and have been involved in delivering training. Having experienced burnout and extreme anxiety, I now work with individuals to prevent this and transform their lives. I also work with organisations reviewing policies and procedures, particularly around reasonable adjustments, mental health and menopause.

In July 2019 I had another set back when I was diagnosed with uterine cancer and underwent a total abdominal hysterectomy, along with a course of brachotherapy. Thankfully this was successful and I stayed positive throughout, which I believe helped enormously with my recovery. I didn't once let it get me down and continued working throughout, giving two talks within days of getting out of hospital.

A year on and I'm back to full health, and despite the Covid-19 pandemic my business is doing really well and the lockdown didn't bother me at all. Having experienced isolation for months in 2017, this time felt easy for me because I was still able to go out for walks with my dog. I take one day at a time and don't worry about things that I have no control over. I work on the things I can control. I still get triggers and have bad days, but I have a set of coping strategies in place to change my mindset. My relationship with my husband is the best it's been and I'm around a lot more for my daughter.

Sometimes it can take something major to happen in our lives for us to make a change for the better, but it shouldn't have to take something major. One thing I think we've all learned this year, is that life is too short and we only get one life, so my advice is to make the most of it. If you're unhappy, work out what it would take to make you happy and take steps to make it happen.

World Mental Health Awareness Day is on 10 October 2020 and this year's theme is supporting good mental health in the workplace. I am available to give talks online, or at your organisation on this subject.