From Argument to Settlement

When you’re in an argument it can sometimes feel impossible to get out of. First, you’re upset about the thing that happened (or didn’t happen) and then, the more the argument goes on, the more frustrated you get. Often, you lose sight of the original issue and the argument becomes about the argument itself.

              “You always do this!”

              “You never listen.”

              “Here we go again.”

Any of these sound familiar? That’s because we all fall into the same patterns we’re used to with pretty much everything we do, including our arguments. When we’re really upset, our calm, thinking brain is gone and our system is flooded with all the ancient fight and flight emotions. All that’s to say it’s really hard to bring an argument back down to a place where you can think and speak rationally.

This gets to one of the key techniques used in divorce mediation. I move the conversation forward by helping folks see where they’re together rather than apart so they can feel the progress (which there almost always is!). I might simply point out their shared goal (“You both want to get out of this financially secure, right?”) or I might review all the agreements reached (“Okay, so far we’ve figured out…”).

You can use this same technique. Focus on what you do agree on or what your shared goals are. Such as:

              “Look, I know we both want to figure this out.”

                                           Or

              “We agree this has to change, so let’s focus on possible solutions.”

This doesn’t fix everything in one sentence, but it can sway the argument to become more of a discussion. It allows you both to step back from the differences by refocusing on where you are together. This refocus takes you from working against each other to working together.

 Click here for a handy guide to getting through a disagreement. Or schedule a chat and we can see if mediation might help.