FROM ANGER TO EMPATHY - A DEEP LOOK INTO RELATIONSHIPS AND SELF-AWARENESS

"The journey of any relationship should always summon us to probe the depths of our selves, where anger and judgment act as mirrors of desires and values that have not found expression, yet skillfully weave the enigma that surrounds our most intimate emotions." Marcello de Souza

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In a world of so much noise, of people who increasingly consider themselves owners of truths and certainties, there is no shortage of linguistic mannerisms to worsen a relationship. It seems that people are forgetting the importance of thinking before speaking — of relationships and respect. It is impressive, for example, the abrupt use of adversative conjunctions such as: but, however, nevertheless, yet, nonetheless, among others. It doesn't take much thought to understand how they are a poison for discussions, regardless of the context. Moreover, contrary to what many think, it is almost always a huge mistake to think that the brief information preceding these conjunctions will be sufficient to demonstrate agreement, and to give credit to disagree.

Let's analyze a hypothetical dialogue that typically occurs within companies as an example. In the first scenario, one of the interlocutors uses the adversative conjunction "but" as a resource to disagree. In the second, the arguments are extended without the "interference" of "but": "I fully agree with Nancy's proposal regarding the conduct of our production department and the goals set for the sales department, but..." Now, it becomes quite evident that this person is only agreeing to disagree. This strategy, besides not yielding results, can raise even more resistance from the interlocutor, as they know that the collaborator's intention in initially agreeing was merely a ploy to then disagree.

Now, the same situation, but without the use of "but": "I fully agree with Nancy's proposal regarding the conduct of our production department and the goals set for the sales department. It is evident that the numbers presented did not come by chance – research was conducted, the sales reports were meticulously examined, the market behavior perspectives were securely evaluated, and the competitors' plans were analyzed. I was impressed by the quality of the work. I am confident that our decisions from now on will have a more solid foundation for us to determine the course for the next year."

Notice that, up to this point, with these considerations, Nancy's work has been valued, her professional competence has been highlighted, her analytical ability has been showcased. In other words, the chances of her emotional resistances being dispelled have been reinforced. Therefore, the interlocutor is in a better position to debate ideas without the other professional feeling personally pressured. Subsequently, as an example, to disagree, he could say: "I have a study here that may be useful to you, Nancy, and further contribute to expanding the ideas when finalizing this decision. What do you think?" From this moment on, there is room for disagreements to be presented.

Yes! I know you must be thinking: All this to say that Nancy's work isn't good? That's exactly what I want to bring with this text today. Understanding that in internal discussions, this emotional resistance must be taken into account?

Yes! Many of us, when contradicted, react emotionally, as if the colleague's disagreement were a personal offense, and this has increasingly become a problem and the cause of various misunderstandings that often end badly. In today's times, the care to choose the moment, the words, and the way to raise objections, especially in these cases, is even more important than the arguments used themselves. These are simple, even elementary, precautions that dispel emotional resistances and allow only useful ideas to be discussed and prevent emotion from being the great enemy in reaching a consensus.

If you disagree? Then answer me this: Do you wake up in a good mood every day? Well! How do you deal with contradictions?

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The Cause of Anger and the Importance of Empathy

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We can point to at least four options we have when confronted with a message or behavior we don't like or that makes us uncomfortable:

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1st. The first option involves blaming ourselves, an approach that often leads us to question our actions and place ourselves as responsible for the discomfort, which sometimes has to do with personal issues like self-esteem.

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2nd. The second option, represented by anger and judgment, leads us to a perspective of confrontation and resentment.

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3rd. The third alternative, in turn, invites us to explore our inner consciousness, where we find our own feelings and needs. Instead of delving into a mental analysis of others' shortcomings, we choose to tune into our own inner perspective, seeking to understand what is happening within us — this allows us to access a deeper vital energy by directing our attention to the needs that are arising in the present moment.

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For example: Let's suppose we hear a comment that makes us feel excluded from a conversation due to our ethnic background. If the first reaction that arises is anger, we can identify the underlying thought: "This is unfair. They are acting prejudiced and racist." However, instead of getting stuck in this emotion, we seek to understand that these judgments reflect unmet needs. We move on to the next step, where we connect with the needs behind these thoughts and feelings. Thus, we could discover that our needs involve issues of inclusion, equality, and mutual respect. By delving into our own inner visit, we are able to recognize that our reactions are intimately linked to our individual needs. This awareness opens us up to a deeper internal dialogue, allowing us to approach the situation in a more constructive and empathetic way, whether to express our feelings or to understand the feelings of others.

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4th. The fourth alternative draws our attention to the need to tune into the feelings and needs of the other person. By choosing this approach, anger has no room to manifest. This does not mean that we are repressing anger, but rather realizing that it simply does not arise when we are fully present with the feelings and needs of the other person. By adopting this perspective, we are able to eliminate anger from our interactions. For example, imagine you are working on a team project and notice that one of the group members is not contributing equally. If you choose this alternative, you will turn to the perspective of understanding the feelings and needs of the other person before reacting. You may, for example, decide to address the situation by directly talking to the colleague in question. By adopting this approach, anger has no room to manifest, as you are focused on understanding what is happening from the other's point of view. While talking to your colleague, you have the chance to realize that they are facing personal difficulties that have prevented them from contributing as much as they would like. You connect with your empathy and understand that their needs may be different at that moment. This perspective prevents anger from arising, as you are genuinely interested in understanding and supporting their needs. In this example, by choosing to tune into the feelings and needs of the other person, you were able to eliminate anger and address the situation in a constructive way.

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I'm Not a Saint!

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"Exploring our deepest feelings is the path to transcend small reactions, discover authentic desires hidden by anger and judgment, and thus understand the complexity of our interactions with a world so lacking in affection." (Marcello de Souza)

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"I'm not a saint." This simple statement reverberates with the essential truth of our humanity, opening the doors to a journey of self-discovery and continuous transformation. Facing this reality is the first step towards a deep understanding of who we are and how we interact with the world around us.

As we explore the four alternatives to uncomfortable situations that life presents us with, we begin to understand that greatness does not lie in perfection, but in how we approach our own feelings and needs. By embracing, for example, the third option, which invites us to delve into our inner consciousness, we encounter a revealing truth: anger, judgment, and frustration often conceal authentic desires that can be nurtured in a positive and constructive way.

This inner journey also reveals that our intense feelings often have deeper roots than apparent situations. Anger may be an echo of old wounds, judgment may arise from deeply rooted insecurities. By shedding light on these parts of ourselves, we gain the ability to heal, grow, and evolve emotionally.

In the context of the scenario we consider, in which we tune into our own feelings and needs, we create space to transcend automatic reactions. By exploring our feelings more deeply, we identify the emotional origins often linked to old traumas, hidden desires, and fundamental needs. Instead of staying on the surface of anger or judgment, we dive into the depths of our essence, where we find true motivations and aspirations.

This inner journey also reveals that our intense feelings often have deeper roots than apparent situations. Anger may be an echo of old wounds, judgment may arise from deeply rooted insecurities. By shedding light on these parts of ourselves, we gain the ability to heal, grow, and evolve emotionally.

In the context of the scenario we consider, in which we tune into our own feelings and needs, we create space to transcend automatic reactions. By exploring our feelings more deeply, we identify the emotional origins often linked to old traumas, hidden desires, and fundamental needs. Instead of staying on the surface of anger or judgment, we dive into the depths of our essence, where we find true motivations and aspirations.

This internal exploration not only helps us understand our own reactions but also prepares us to face interactions with others in a more compassionate and open manner. By understanding the needs underlying our feelings, we become better able to discern which battles are worth fighting and which we can leave behind. Here, reflection and self-awareness become indispensable tools for authentic and enriching relationships.

Understanding the origin of anger and the importance of empathy sheds light on the art of authentic communication and deep understanding, both of ourselves and others. However, it is worth remembering that this journey is not undertaken overnight. It requires time, patience, and self-compassion. After all, we are complex beings, capable of mistakes, driven by often unconscious needs. Recognizing our vulnerability is the secret to unveiling authenticity, building meaningful relationships, and, above all, connecting with our constantly evolving humanity.

The power to direct our attention to what truly matters, whether our own needs or the perspective of others, empowers us to build healthier relationships, resolve conflicts constructively, and connect on a more human and meaningful level. In this sense, self-awareness emerges as a crucial anchor for dealing with the complexities of emotions and human relationships, reminding us of the importance of looking inward to better understand and interact with the world around us.

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And Anger?

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Typically, anger is generated when we choose the second option: whenever we are angry, we are judging someone as guilty — we choose to play God by judging or blaming the other person for being wrong or deserving punishment. Believe it or not, most of the time, this is the cause of anger. Even if at first we are not aware of it, the cause of anger is located in our own thinking.

Thus, it is not the behavior of other people that determines our feelings, but often our own needs that cause these intense reactions. After all, the reality of life is built within us, shaped by our unique perception, our past experiences, and our deepest desires. Each emotion, each thought, is a piece of the intricate puzzle that makes up each step of our own inner journey to build the next moment.

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When we are connected to our needs, whether they are for encouragement, having a useful purpose, or loneliness, we are in contact with our vital energy. We may have strong feelings, but we never get angry. Anger is the result of thoughts alienated from life that are dissociated from our needs. It indicates that we have activated our mind to analyze and judge someone, instead of focusing on which of our needs are not being met.

Let's go back to the third option. The third option described is to shine the light of awareness on our own feelings and needs. Instead of using our reasoning to make a mental analysis of what someone did wrong, we choose to connect with the life within us. This vital energy is more palpable and accessible when we focus on what we need in each moment. For example, if someone is late for an appointment and we consider this as a sign that the person does not care about us, we may feel hurt. If, instead, our need is to spend time meaningfully and constructively, we may feel frustrated. But, if, on the other hand, what we really need is half an hour of calm solitude, we may feel grateful for the person's delay and be satisfied with it, it all depends on where you put your attention.

In addition to this third option, of focusing on our own needs and feelings, we can choose at any time to shine the light of awareness on the feelings and needs of the other person. When we choose the fourth option, we also never feel anger. We are not repressing anger; we are seeing how anger simply does not happen every moment we are fully present with the feelings and needs of the other person.

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Every Anger Has a Core That Serves Life

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When we judge others, we contribute to violence. "But," you may ask me, "aren't there circumstances in which anger is justified? Isn't it necessary to have 'righteous indignation' in the face of careless and thoughtless pollution of the environment, for example?" My answer is a journey through layers of reflection. I firmly believe that whenever I support to any degree the awareness that there are such things as "careless actions," "conscientious actions," "greedy people," "toxic people," or even "ethical people," I am contributing to building increasingly toxic relationships. In other words, instead of getting lost in endless debates about what is fair or unfair, what is right or wrong, what is correct or incorrect, we can choose a deeper approach.

I believe the key is to look inside, to the core of our own anger and judgment. Recognizing that these emotions are reflections of unmet needs, unexpressed longings, and an endless search for meaning. Instead of agreeing or disagreeing about always wanting to judge other people, where often what there is is much of us in these judgments, hidden in personas that we try to use to dodge the reality of who we really are, we can dare to dive into the depths of our being.

Accepting that we are imperfect, that we also make mistakes, feel anger, and not always act in the highest manner, is a step towards authenticity. It is an invitation to vulnerability, to expose ourselves without masks, to acknowledge our own internal challenges. After all, our emotions are like a mirror that reflects our desires, our pains, our dreams. They are a call for us to connect with our genuine needs. In other words, each of us possesses our own uniqueness and value, and the greatest mistake lies in wanting to compare our own worth with that of others. This reminds us of the importance of recognizing diversity and respecting differences among people, avoiding judgments based on superiority or inferiority. In essence, we should cultivate an attitude of equality, empathy, and acceptance towards others.

The journey towards full understanding requires constant exploration. It is a process of delving into our inner world, of confronting our own demons and discovering our hidden angels. It is not an easy path, as it requires self-awareness, humility, and the willingness to confront our shadows. But, by allowing ourselves to explore our own depths, we can begin to understand that anger, judgment, and even the pursuit of justice often direct us towards intrinsic needs for understanding, belonging, and balance.

By engaging in this process of self-exploration, we are, in fact, serving life. We are going beyond superficial appearances, automatic reactions, and impulsive responses. We are making room for deeper understanding, for an internal dialogue that leads us to real transformation. And in this process, we discover that our anger has a core that, if listened to attentively, guides us towards empathy, mutual understanding, and the building of more authentic and connected relationships.

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Use Anger as a Wake-Up Call

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The emotion of anger can be an important sign to alert us to our underlying needs and values. Instead of suppressing or expressing it destructively, the idea is that this approach encourages us to explore anger as an opportunity for self-awareness and personal growth. When we feel angry, it indicates that something in our needs, values, or perceptions is being challenged or unmet. This perspective should at least invite us to pause and reflect on why this anger arises and which need is not being met.

By doing so, we can gain a deeper understanding of ourselves, our sensitivities, and what we value. Instead of acting impulsively based on anger, this approach encourages us to channel that energy to understand and address the underlying issues.

Of course, using anger as a wake-up call does not justify aggressive or harmful behaviors. Instead, it is about adopting a conscious approach to dealing with anger, recognizing it as a tool for personal growth, understanding, and healthier communication with others.

The fact is that I see all anger as a result of thoughts alienated from life and causing countless misunderstandings that could be resolved. I repeat: At the core of all anger is a need that is not being met. Thus, anger can be valuable if we use it as an alarm clock to wake us up — to realize that we have a need that is not being met, and that we are thinking in a way that makes it unlikely to be met.

To fully express anger, we need to be fully aware of this need. Furthermore, we need to have energy to ensure that this need is met. However, anger steals our energy by directing it towards punishing people, instead of meeting our needs. Instead of engaging in "just indignation," I recommend that we connect with empathy to our own needs or those of others.

This may require a great deal of practice, where we consciously replace the phrase "I am angry because..." with "I am angry because I am needing..." multiple times.

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Empathy Instead of Anger

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Make no mistake, anger robs us of energy when directed towards punitive actions since judging another person diminishes the likelihood that our needs will be met. The decision about where to focus my attention at that moment is what truly matters. If I were to judge someone as a liar, a small-minded person, toxic, or despicable, that would lead in one direction. If I interpret that they do not respect you enough to tell you the truth, that would also point to another direction. However, if you enter into empathy with this person at that moment, or express what you are feeling without masks, you have a much better chance of having your needs met. This is because empathy allows us not only to understand our own feelings and needs but also to recognize that others have their own emotions and motivations. In other words, by practicing empathy, we are opening up space for deeper and more authentic communication.

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By expressing what one is feeling without masks, there is permission to share one's vulnerability, creating an opportunity for a more honest and constructive dialogue. This not only increases the likelihood that one's own needs will be understood and met but also opens the door to a possible understanding of the needs and perspectives of the other person.

It is important to realize that often, anger reactions can be automatic and impulsive. However, by consciously choosing to practice empathy and engage in a process of self-reflection, we are empowering ourselves to transcend these automatic reactions and act more in line with our values and goals of effective communication. The truth is that this approach not only allows us to resolve conflicts more constructively but also to build healthier and more meaningful relationships. In this sense, we have four options when we are in a difficult conversation:

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1. Blame ourselves.

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2. Blame others.

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3. Understand our own feelings and needs.

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4. Understand the feelings and needs of others.

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The way we express our choice — ultimately proves helpful in this situation — not so much by what is said, but by what is done. Instead of judging, which is always the easiest path, trying to listen to one's own feelings, for example: he was afraid, and his need was to protect himself from punishment. Note that by empathizing with the other, there is a chance to make an emotional connection from which both can have their needs met. However, if approached from the standpoint that he is toxic — even if not voiced out loud — it would be less likely that he would feel safe expressing the truth about what had happened. In this sense, you would then become part of the process: by the very act of judging another person, you would be contributing to creating a prophecy that would lead to its own fulfillment.

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Why would people want to tell the truth, knowing that they would be judged and punished for it?

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To me, others' judgments contribute to creating prophecies that lead to their own fulfillment. I would like to suggest that when our heads are filled with judgments and criticisms that others are bad, greedy, irresponsible, liars, corrupt, toxic, narcissistic, valuing themselves more than anything else, or behaving in ways they shouldn't, few of them will be interested in our needs.

If we want to resolve an unresolved issue, a fact that has brought a lot of hurt, or even a disagreement saying, "You know, you're a real idiot and you have no right to act this way," we drastically reduce our chances of having our needs met.

It's rare for a human being to focus on our needs when we express them through images of how wrong they are. Of course, we can succeed in using such judgments to intimidate people into meeting our most primal needs like our ego itself. If they feel scared, guilty, or ashamed enough to change their attitudes, we might come to believe it's possible to "win" by telling people what's wrong with them.

However, from a broader perspective, I realize that every time our needs are met in this way, we not only lose, but we contribute in a very tangible way to relationships becoming increasingly toxic. We may have solved an immediate problem, but we will have created another, and worse, we will learn to deal with others in a very mistaken way, and in the end, who knows if all of this will not turn against us.

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Areas Where We Need to Self-Explore

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The more people hear blame and judgment, the more they will look for ways to avoid or retaliate against those who judge them. The most obvious answer is that we cannot respect others without having empathy for them. Without empathy, our communication with others will be based on judgments that blame them and make them responsible for what we ourselves are feeling. Without empathy, we can hardly take care of the life within us or outside of us.

Looking within ourselves is a crucial journey to enhance our understanding of the world around us. Self-awareness is a lens that allows us to see the projections of our own feelings, beliefs, and judgments onto others.

When we project negativity onto someone, we are often mirroring unresolved aspects within ourselves. Our intense emotional reactions may indicate areas where we need to explore and heal. The realization that what we see in others often reflects unresolved aspects within ourselves is a powerful invitation to investigate more deeply.

Understanding our own values, intentions, morals, and ethics is an ongoing journey that connects us to the true essence of our being. By seeing the motivations behind our actions, we can be more compassionate toward ourselves and others. This process of self-examination helps us discern whether our reactions to external situations are rooted in unresolved internal issues. It also allows us to recognize when we are guided by authentic values or when we are influenced by external expectations.

Self-awareness from the perspective of knowing oneself fully is not just an introspective exercise; it is an essential tool for improving our communication and relationships. When we tune into our own thoughts, feelings, and beliefs, we are better able to recognize moments when we are projecting our own issues onto others. This empowers us to adopt a more empathetic and compassionate approach in our interactions, fostering healthier and more genuine relationships.

Therefore, the journey to understand what is within us is a fundamental step in transforming our relationships and our own life experience. By embracing self-awareness, we open up space for greater understanding, acceptance, and connection – both with ourselves and with others. With this solid foundation of internal understanding, we are able to face the challenges of relationships in a more conscious, genuine, and loving way.

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THANK YOU FOR READING AND WATCHING MARCELLO DE SOUZA IN ANOTHER EXCLUSIVE PUBLICATION ABOUT HUMAN BEHAVIOR

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Hello, I'm Marcello de Souza! I started my career in 1997 as a leader and manager in a large IT and Telecommunications company. Since then, I have been involved in important projects structuring, implementing, and optimizing telecommunications networks in Brazil. Restless and passionate about the psychology of behavior and social dynamics. In 2008, I decided to dive into the universe of the human mind.

Since then, I have become a professional passionate about unraveling the secrets of human behavior and catalyzing positive changes in individuals and organizations. A Ph.D. in Social Psychology, with over 25 years of experience in Cognitive Behavioral and Organizational Human Development. With a diversified career, I highlight my role as:

Senior Master Coach & Trainer: Guiding my clients in the pursuit of goals and personal and professional development, achieving extraordinary results.

Chief Happiness Officer (CHO): Fostering an organizational culture of happiness and well-being, boosting productivity, and employee commitment.

Specialist in Language and Behavior Development: Improving communication skills and self-awareness, empowering people to face challenges with resilience.

Cognitive Behavioral Therapist: Using cutting-edge cognitive-behavioral therapy to help overcome obstacles and achieve a balanced mind.

Family & Organizational Systemic Psychic Constellation: Based on systemic and psychic behavioral laws governing our affections, this practice offers a deep insight into the ancestral influences that shape our journey.

Hypnotherapist: Based on the interaction between the mind and metaphors, Hypnotherapy helps overcome obstacles, unwanted patterns, and promotes self-discovery.

Speaker, Teacher, Writer, and Researcher: Sharing valuable knowledge and ideas at events, training sessions, and publications to inspire positive changes.

Consultant and Mentor: Leveraging my experience in leadership and project management to identify growth opportunities and propose personalized strategies.

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My solid academic background includes four postgraduate degrees and a Ph.D. in Social Psychology, along with international certifications in Management, Leadership, and Cognitive Behavioral Development. My contributions in the field are widely recognized in hundreds of classes, training sessions, conferences, and published articles.

Co-author of the book "The Coaching Secret" and author of "The Map Is Not the Territory, the Territory Is You" and "The Diet Society" (the first of a trilogy on human behavior in contemporaneity - 05/2024).

Allow me to be your partner in this journey of self-discovery and success. Together, we will discover a universe of behavioral possibilities and achieve extraordinary results.

By the way, I invite you to join my network. As a lover of behavior psychology, social psychology, and neuroscience, I created my YouTube channel to share my passion for cognitive-behavioral development with more people.

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Remember that all the data and content of this article or video are exclusive, written and reviewed by Marcello de Souza based on proven philosophical concepts and scientific studies to ensure the best possible content reaches you.

Don't forget to follow Marcello de Souza on other social media platforms and join the VIP list to receive exclusive articles weekly by email.

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