Friendship: Who Is My Friend?

Friendship is the topic for today. February, after all is the month of love and friendship so I thought why not talk about friendship and answer the question, “What is a true friend?” ?Specifically, how do you become one and how do you know who is one? We will answer this question by breaking down six definitions people have given to define friendship. In Part 2, we will discuss 5 Guidelines for keeping your friends.

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You see, friendship for me is really important. Having moved a lot in my life ?and especially leaving my family 3 days after getting married,?we’ve never had any family members live anywhere near us, so making new acquaintances has always been a priority to me. With each move, I wanted to meet people that I could celebrate life with, birthdays, holidays, engagements, marriages, child births, achievements, and promotions… people to mark the milestones of MY life and to be a witness to the milestones of their life. I needed and wanted to have people I could count on to support me in my goals, correct me in my errors, and comfort me in times of sorrow. I also, wanted to do the same for them. Having friends enriches one’s life. I know it has mine. However, like any other good relationship, having a good friendship takes effort.

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A few years ago I was teaching for Concordia University, Wisconsin and there was a book sale. I found a large coffee table book from Hallmark, titled a Century of Caring. You know the slogan…”When you care enough to send the very best?”?The book included a History of the Company, card illustrations through the years, and many popular sentiments. The authors share how the Hallmark Greeting ?company came to be and the supportive elements Hallmark sought to provide for people who endured multiple wars, famines, the great depression, as well as celebratory events such as holidays, retirement, birthdays, and even memorials and funerals. Because connections and relationships are important to people, ?connections and relationships are important to greeting card companies.

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Connections and relationships though, look quite different today than they did 100 years ago. How we connect and how we relate has been impacted by technology. Today many people communicate primarily through social media… which has unfortunately resulted in many people feeling disconnected, unseen, or empty without knowing why because they’ve never actually felt truly connected to anyone. Still the supportive value of friendship remains valuable. In fact, it is a necessity of a healthy and fulfilled life. Sound emotional health must include good friendships.

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In 2014 and 2017, 2 surveys asked people to define friendship and identify the markers of a good friend. That is how important a friend relationship is to our life and to our society. The value that good friendship brings to individuals in terms of physical, mental, and emotional health is quite remarkable, really. Think about who you have in your life now, or who you have had that you consider to be a truly great friend. What was it about this person that has you classifying them in this manner? Think about who might classify you as a truly great friend and why they may grant you such a merited title.

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I’m going to ask you to consider this bit of a twister as we delve deeper into the topic of friendship. The Disciple John was perhaps Jesus’s closest friend. Peter and James too, were close to Jesus. With the exception of verse John 15:14, when Jesus says to His disciples, “You are my friends ...” …and continues on in John 15:15, saying, “I do not call you servants any longer…but I have called you friends.”

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There are 2 people that Jesus personally identifies as His “friend” in scripture. Do you know who these two people were? One was the brother of Mary and Martha; ?his name is Lazarus. Jesus wept upon hearing of Lazarus’s death. The second person Jesus identified as His friend, was Judas, the one who betrayed Him. In fact, Jesus called Judas “friend” at the moment Judas deceived him Matt 26. How could Jesus knowing that Judas was betraying him still refer to him as a friend? The answer is that Jesus didn’t change the relationship from His end. I ask you to keep this in mind as we go through the 6 most popular answers people provide in a poll defining friendship. We will go through each definition in Part 2 and follow this up in Part 3 with 5 Golden Rules to follow in forming and sustaining true friendships.

“What is a true friend?” ?How do you become one and how do you know who is one? We will answer this question by breaking down six definitions or markers people have given to define friendship.

1. Friends Stick By You During the Good and the Bad Times

Life isn’t flat, nor are we perfect. There will be hills and valleys, successes, and mistakes. Having supportive friends can help us get through the hard times. A true friend will stand by you to help you face and overcome obstacles. This support could come in the form of lending an ear and/or shoulder to cry on. Helping us do physical activities we are incapable of doing alone.

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Years ago when our daughter was in second grade I was left alone for 8 months while my husband worked and rehabbed what would be our new home in New York City. Living in Florida, I had a yard to mow and weed twice a week, a puppy to train, our house to sell, our daughter to take care of, and my work to complete as a realtor. There was no way I could have survived any of this without the help of 2 friends, Bill and Kim who helped me mow once each week and babysit our daughter when I had appointments. They took care of me. I didn’t ever ask them to mow the yard, they just knew I had to do it and they did it. They have always been helpful, selfless, and caring friends to me. This is one of the reasons that I define them as true friends.

How are you doing in this arena? Have you lent a hand, ear, or hug to someone who could use it? Who has done so for you? Who can you show appreciation to?

2. True Friends Will Make Time For You

Depending on where we are in our life, working or retirement, child-raising or empty-nesters, or caregiver, making time for another will look differently than it did 20 years ago. Setting aside quality time to visit in person may not always be possible, but we can catch up through a phone call, Zoom call, Facetime or at the least, text them to let them know you are thinking of them and wish them a good day or ask how they are doing.

How are you doing in this arena? Do you make time to connect with your friends? Personally, I could do better…way better than I am doing now to be honest. I am okay at texting, but sometimes people need to see you and/or hear you and I don’t quite practice that type of connection enough as a friend. I could FaceTime when I’m cooking or doing household things for instance.

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3. True Friends Accept You for Who You Are

This one is perhaps the one definition of friendship I hear the most. It sounds so lovely, doesn’t it to have a ?truly supportive friend who will love you for the person you are, flaws and all? This is also similar to the vow we make in marriage. But accepting that someone is who they are does not mean friends have to agree with each other all of the time. Will a true friend accept you, and your quirks and imperfections?

Well, yes and no. A true friend will come to know you, acknowledge your strengths, skill, and talents, and accept your fears, weaknesses, and limitations and not leave you there. Merely accepting the “true friends accept you for who you are” definition of friendship, enables us to be somewhat less than a real friend. How good of a friend are we, if we leave a person the same way we find them? Acts of a good friend should result in self-improvement, better attitudes, self-reliance, comfort, consolation, self-respect, and better welfare. Certainly, the word “friend” is misused if it is identified with a person who partners in, or contributes to our misbehavior, suffering, and distress.

When we make a friend feel wanted in spite of… their attitude changes. Our friendship will be recognizable if our actions and attitudes result in improvement and their independence.

4. A Real Friend Will Tell You the Truth, Even If You Don’t Like It

Being a friend who is willing to tell the truth, even if it is uncomfortable is not easy. The key to being able to do that is focusing on what is best for the other person, even if it risks their feelings toward you. If you recall the episode we did on lies, deceits and fibs…my daughter made the point that if we lie or fib to another, that person moves forward on information based on falsehood. It is always best to move forward from a position of reality. So empower your friend. Do not disempower them for your own self-preservation or to spare their feelings.

Keep this in mind when you are the recipient of “truth”. It is difficult but necessary for a good friend to stay true to their values which you most likely share if you choose your friends the right way. The truth, along with good advice helps us navigate life with less bumps and bruises than we might otherwise ascertain.

How truthful are you as a friend?

5. A True Friend Believes in You And Encourages You to Achieve Your Goals

When we have someone who believes in us and sees something in us that we often do not see in ourselves that in itself is honoring. It really isn’t okay to not strive to be our best self. Not only do we rob ourselves of the experience of our full potential, but we rob our family and society as well of the contribution that we uniquely bring. We should all work to become the best version of ourselves, and a good friend will encourage you and even assist you in working toward personal improvement. This may mean spending less time doing frivolous activities together, cutting back on unhealthy actions, becoming more disciplined toward ?pursuing a dream job and healthier lifestyle. Good friends will want the best for us.

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How have you been doing in this arena supporting a friend better themselves? Who has been there for you when you’ve been afraid to make changes or begin to question your own abilities?

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6. A Real Friend Celebrates with You

As we journey through life, a friend’s support not only matters during the hard times but has influence during the great times as well. A friend is someone who genuinely wants to see you succeed. They are happy with you and for you. Your success takes nothing away from them. Unfortunately, insincere people may feel insecure and want you to fail. These people are not your true friend. They may be a fun, funny, or familiar face, but they are not your true friend. A true friend celebrates your accomplishments and feels happy to see things go well for you. They act out of generosity and love, not out of envy.

As a professor I had a student who suffered the loss of her friendship circle when she and her friends tried out for cheerleader. She made it, but her two friends didn’t. They began to shun her. They stopped inviting her to do things and stopped talking to her. Worse, they participated in spreading rumors about her. She was hurt and considered dropping out of the squad. This painful experience was a growing moment for her. I counseled her to keep to the commitment she made to the squad to fulfill her year, the commitment she made to herself to become a cheerleader and to consider the fact that these two people were not worth her investment in them emotionally or otherwise because their self-esteem was too low and their selfish level too high to seed a quality relationship.

This is what God says about good friendships…

"A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity." "My command is this: Love each other as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this: to lay down one's life for one's friends."

But what if you have been hurt by a friend or have hurt a friend? What do you do then? Here are a few scriptural versus to answer these questions.

Scripture says, “Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

“If you forgive others their transgressions, your heavenly Father will forgive you” (Mt 6:14).

Peter asked Jesus how often it is necessary to forgive, and Jesus replied, “Seventy-seven times” (Mt 18:22), a number to be taken symbolically, not literally, for the never-ending way that we ought to forgive. So we are instructed to continually forgive? Yes. We release ourselves from negativity and wasted energy that can deplete us emotionally, physically, and mentally. Negativity that can cloud our vision, perspective, purpose, and decisions. We can make a conscious decision to let go of hurt feelings, such as anger and resentment, and even thoughts of retribution and put them behind us so we can move forward free of the effects those feelings can bring. We can replace the negative emotions we feel toward the person who has wronged us with positive emotions such as sympathy, compassion, or empathy.

In Part 2 we identified 6 markers of friendship that ?people gave to a recent survey. Now, in part 3, we will discuss 5 Guidelines for keeping your friends.

• Friends respect the person

In other words, we acknowledge independence, the belief the other person will do what is right, can make good decisions, can live honorably so we do not try to control, judge, or subjugate them. We speak the truth to them. Respect in relationships builds feelings of trust, safety, and well being.

• Friends do not talk bad about friends -

In other words, gossip is never good. Talking about another behind their back makes the gossiper look bad. It’s a literal road sign that you are untrustworthy and weak. Do not participate in listening to others who gossip. Lending an ear is equal to wagging a tongue. Don’t do it.

• Friends should be loyal both in good times and in bad

In other words, a good friend is there for you in both instances…the good and the trying times. They support you, correct you, connect with you, celebrate you. This is what you do if you are a good and true friend.

• Friends keep their words – do what you say you will do

In other words, let others find comfort in knowing that you are dependable and someone who can be counted on to keep their word. Do not break promises. Do not break confidences.

• Friends should always be honest

In other words, do not be deceitful. Tell the truth in love for the sake of the other person. A fib to spare feelings is still hurtful because it robs another of reality. True friends want to empower not cripple their friends. Remember, Biblical and worldly friendships are very different! The first is sharpening each other in truth and love; the latter is basically venting to and validating one and other’s feelings even when they are wrong. So, choose your friends wisely and be a wise and true friend to others. The spiritual core reason for a friendship is that it can—and is instructed to—help us transform and grow. Proverbs 17:17 says: "A true friend shows love at all times... and is a brother who is born for times of distress. Yes, true friends are people who call us on our issues, push us to grow, and support us through this process of becoming the best versions of ourselves. I can't overemphasize how important good friends are to our growth throughout this life.

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So in closing, keep in mind, true friendship is primarily an act of love and service towards another. Serve those God has put in your path and trust your friends to support and strengthen you as we move through this life together.