A Friendship Story

As I coach, I talk to my clients about the importance of improving their relationship patterns, because it is the epicenter of many of their problems. Toxic work environment, marriage, friendships, family, money problems... are all tied to relationship issues.

Relationships are like a garden. You have to tend it. You want to evaluate if it's working for you, or when it's not. Friendship is where you can practice expressing and meeting your social needs, and create valuable connection to last a life time.

Why do friendships matter? They tell you a lot about you. They are also a predictor of your life satisfaction and long-term success. Healthy, deep, and honest relationships help us thrive and reach beyond what we believed was ever possible for us.

A terrible ecosystem pulls you down, drains you, and you'll experience continuous struggle.

Your intimate relationships cannot replace friendships. Your colleagues cannot replace friendships. The quality and the depth of your friendships indicate how open you are to the joys that life has to offer.

Friendship is a practice.

In friendships, you have a safe place to learn about boundaries. It can even become unconditional, because there is no sex, no family ties... you just love each other, because you can make each other feel connected, appreciated, and happy.

Friendships matter, because every healthy long-term intimate relationship has to be based on friendship. Lust and physical attraction doesn't last. Real love is about values, connection, and what grows over time.

I can say I know a few things about great friendships, after spending my childhood in three very different countries: Korea, Argentina, then in Canada. In every place, I managed to connect with a best friend, no matter how good or bad my language skills were at the time.

I had many best friends over time. My first best friend was in grade 2. This was pretty good, considering I moved a lot because of my father. This was in Argentina, and this lasted good 3 years, until we immigrated again. I am still in touch with her, even though she lives 11,359 km away. We also didn't get back in touch in our adult life, until we reconnected through Facebook in 2009.

No matter where I went, I had best friends. I moved to Canada when I was 11. A year later, I met another best friend, who is now a talented pianist living in Europe.

I met my most significant and longest-standing best friend when I was 15. We're still two peas in a pod, even with many of our differences in our life course.

Over the years, even recently, there were many people who tried to claim my "best friends" throne, but more proved to not deserve the title. Why? As soon as difficulty or disagreement hits, as in any real relationships, they ran, like the friendship never mattered (more on this later).

I found some commonality in these "excellent" people, when it comes to determining "worthiness," and which ones you should keep and nurture in your life.

These are the signs you need to look for to have a healthy, supportive ecosystem. (Hint: This list also works for dating and finding an awesome mate).

• They have long-term friends and relationships.

Some people claim to have this, but you have to see how much they make an effort with their long-term connections. How deep are their old connections? How honest are they with them? How much do they share and care? It's not just about "having" old friends, it's about being close to them.

• They demonstrate kindness and empathy.

How do they treat those who have wronged them? How do they treat those who are less fortunate than them? Not just in words, but actions are the most important. When someone shows you who they are, believe them. Someone who body shames others, blames other people a lot, or talks down at the concierge at a hotel, or believes that those in misfortune only brought that unto themselves... you know that they are not a good candidate to deserve your love and trust. One they, they will treat you the same.

• They have their own awesomeness.

You don't do everything together. You don't even have to love all the same things, but this great person has a drive for success and making a contribution in something. They love to share about their career and life learnings, and that's an experiential contribution you share with this person. Together, you share your successes, perspectives, and give advise. And sometimes, they just listen, and you do the same for them.

• They honor their words.

They always do as they say they are going to do. Always believe a person's actions. A person of quality never uses empty words. If they say they want to be there for your kids, they will show it, not just say it. If they say they want to have an experience with you, they work to make that happen. They honor their words so much, that with each confirmation, they earn your trust. Over time, they become your rock (and you, for them).

• They respect and value you, and your opinions.

You're not a convenience. Your presence means a lot to them. You don't have to agree on everything, but you validate and respect the differences. However, much of your values will be aligned, so you connect at that level.

• Reciprocal appreciation.

They give, you receive. You give, they receive, and it's pretty balanced. They seek you out, ask much as you seek them. They admire and love you, as much as you feel for them.

• Honesty.

They express their needs. They have honest opinions, and they will always (and gently) let you know what they feel and believe. They have your best interest at heart. That's why you know that you can trust them.

Always beware of those who claim to be your best friend after only a few weeks, months, or even just a year or two, when they haven't earned it. Don't try to make a friendship certain, when there hasn't been enough confirmation. You haven't gone through the ups and downs, and been there for each other.

Premature excitement and "lovebombing" during the "honeymoon" stage, is a sign of unhealthy boundaries and underdevelopment in relationships. I had a particularly exciting friendship, where the counterpart wanted to get matching tattoos with me, and started connecting with my old connections on Facebook. It was 2 years of excitement. As all real relationships do, sooner or later, challenge hits. That person was gone, like none of that bonding and experiences together ever mattered.

And no, we didn't get matching tattoos. What a blessing!

Best relationships are like wine. It gets finer with time (and experiences).

Also, beware of intimate relationships, or any relationships, that make you distant from your friendships. It's a sign that it's not a good fit for you. In fact, this is a danger sign.

If you don't currently have healthy connections and relationships, you can always build them. If you have "best friends" you're keeping around for convenience, it's time to reevaluate why you feel so unhappy, tired, and stuck. No matter how long you've known them, objectively evaluate them. Do they take more than give? Are they unsupportive, or judge you? Are they dumping their own negativity on you? If they do, the first step is to do the brave thing and speak up, and if nothing changes, let them go.

Remember, relationships are a garden. You have to evaluate and weed to keep up a healthy ecosystem of a supportive and loving tribe. It's the key to a healthy life.

The first step to having a healthy ecosystem, is to become a person of these qualities, learn to open up to others, and you're sure to connect and resonate with the right people. The quality it takes to build healthy and honest long-term relationships make up the foundation of many of life's deepest satisfactions and long-term successes.

About the Author:

Julia Cha is a best-selling author and a success coach for women leaders ready to shatter glass ceilings. With her expertise in subconscious transformation, she guides her clients to create their dream life in all aspects: a thriving career, financial abundance, and supportive relationships.

Learn more: www.juliacha.com

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