Friendship Inventory

Recently a handful of attention-grabbing headlines have caught my eye, all related to what is being called the “loneliness epidemic” in America. As an unapologetic introvert who has learned to be extroverted when needed, I am always interested in the surveys, research, assumptions, and judgements made in these stories.

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Let me first fully acknowledge there IS a difference between intentional, chosen loneliness (the type I select when I simply need to recharge my batteries), and the loneliness of isolation. The latter is what I observe the majority of these studies and articles focus on, without explicitly starting it at the outset.

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The article that really grabbed my attention, and has stayed with me, is one from NPR titled, How Many Friends Do Americans Have? The article discusses research out of the Pew Research Center that finds that while 53% of American say they have between one and four close friends (and 38% have five or more), a devastating 8% report they have no close friends. Let me repeat that last part…no close friends. THIS is what is informing the concern over a growing epidemic of loneliness in America.

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It struck me that even my introverted heart has a deep need for my circle of carefully cultivated friends. This inner circle keeps me grounded, sane, and connected to the world. My spouse, a gregarious, larger-than-life extrovert also – somewhat surprisingly – has a small inner-circle of trusted friends, despite his staggering number of friends/acquaintances. Over dinner the night I read and absorbed this NPR article, we conducted our own little friendship inventory, and talked about how we care for our closest friends, why they are so vital to our well-being, and what life would look like without them.

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Out of curiosity, I Googled, “What is the real definition of a true friend?” Here is the lovely answer I found from BetterHelp.com: True friends are usually those who offer you support, improve your quality of life, promote self-confidence, provide honesty and unconditional love, and help you progress mentally. It often takes time and effort to foster deep, healthy friendships.

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When is the last time you conducted your own friendship inventory? I ask that question because it’s a healthy grounding exercise to re-center yourself on who you value spending time with, and why. And, to determine if your closest connections need some “care and feeding” due to neglect.

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As we enter this time of holidays, family gatherings, office parties and year-end celebrations, the pressure of forced socialization can feel overwhelming. The inverse might also be true, if you suddenly look around and realize your “dance card” is relatively empty. Rather than judge either situation as good or bad, or a statement about your value as a person, ask yourself, “What is meaningful to me?”

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The answers and options might be surprising when you allow yourself the grace to tap into your own values, especially during this stressful time of year. Rather than countless holiday cocktail parties, you might choose to volunteer your time to a cause close to your heart. Or, you might carve out an evening to FaceTime with a friend who lives across the country whose friendship and laughter feeds your soul. Because even the little, day-to-day connections – even with strangers (gasp!)- will boost your sense of overall happiness and well-being.

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Remember, the intention of our choices is what is most important. And, that they are indeed meaningful choices. It is up to us to make choices that charge our battery rather than create a sense of internal dread. This is key to thriving vs. simply surviving during the holiday season, and beyond.