Friends Yesterday; Enemies Today

When do we start hating each other?

We come into this world with a natural bent for connecting to each other, caring for each other, and loving each other.

Sadly, for many people, at some point in life, that connection turns into defriending on Facebook. Caring for a neighbor turns into yelling at the neighbor. And love turns into a cold shoulder or perhaps even into hatred.

When does that happen?

As mentioned above, we start life by seeing everyone as a friend. We don’t care what you look like, the color of your skin, if you’re a boy or girl, or how you talk. We’re simply born to care and connect.

We get a little older, we start school, we begin playing sports. Still friends? Of course! We may play on different Little League or soccer teams, and for a couple of hours we’re “enemies” on the diamond or pitch. But after the game, we’re back to hanging out with each other.

As we pass through middle school, high school, and into college, we may start separating based on our personalities and life plans, but we can still be friends. Yes, we begin hanging out with “people like us”, but no one really hates each other. Jocks, theater kids, bandies (I played percussion in the marching band), or college rivals — we have our differences but we certainly don’t hate one another. 

Then we’re adults! We have jobs. We have kids. Eventually grandkids. Retirement. We (hopefully) have a long, full life!

Elephants and Donkeys

So what gets in the way? I mean, we all have likes and dislikes. But do we really need to yell at each other or defriend our BFFs?

Seems like we've been drifting apart for the last 10 or 15 years, maybe more. Religion. Gay marriage. International conflicts. But it's politics that has really divided us, and one person in particular.  

We’re in such a bad place, even family members are separated! In fact, the day after last year’s election, I read a Twitter comment that said, "I can’t believe my mom voted for Trump. I’m sorry but she’s now dead to me.”

Seriously? Because you disagree with how dear ol’ mom voted, she’s now dead to you? 

Sadly, that was just one of many comments and tweets I've read stating how much people hate President Trump. Oh yeah, they hate me also because I voted for him. Really? You hate me? But you don’t even know me. 

Now What?

Politically, we’re more divided than ever. But it may be religion, race, gender, generation, or any other issue that gets in the way of a relationship. So how do we heal as a country? How can we stop yelling at each other and get back to our “days of youth” when we just enjoyed being together?

I think two simple steps will help us come together as individuals and as a nation.

Step 1: View people as unique and special

It truly starts with a choice. What do you think of others?

This is particularly true with people who are different than you and was clearly seen during last year’s election. If you voted for Trump, you were a racist. You were homophobic. You were anti-immigration and anti-science.

There was no room for policy debate — you were simply a bad person. In fact it was so bad, one person tweeted that all Trump supporters were “pollution.”

Is it possible that people who voted for Trump are actually good people, they simply have a different idea of how to run the government?

So it’s a choice you make, to look at people either suspiciously or as a person who has wants, desires, career aspirations, a family, and is making his or her way through this challenging world. Each person you encounter is unique. There is no one exactly like that person anywhere in the world.

Choosing to see that person as an individual and valuing them simply for their uniqueness is a choice. Your connection or relationship to that person starts with that decision.

Step 2: Listen and Be Open

When you encounter that unique person, listen.

I’m not talking about listening with your ears and practicing “active listening.” Yes, this is important. Asking clarifying questions, and giving “body language” feedback through eye contact and head nods lets your discussion partner know you’re engaged in the conversation.

Listening with your ears is important. Listening with your heart is critical. Seek to understand how the other person is feeling. Seek to truly understand how life experiences have led this person to this place. 

In other words, show empathy. Many people describe empathy as “walking in someone else’s shoes.” Not a bad description but let’s face it, there’s no way we can actually do that. We can’t “re-live” someone else’s life. We can’t experience their situations and their feelings.

But we can work really hard at understanding their life journey. I recently heard Erin O’Malley talk about this on a LI post. She said it’s not walking in someone else’s shoes, but it is finding out where those shoes have been!

And that takes a willingness to invest energy into that relationship and a willingness to perhaps change your mind a bit. We live in such a polarized world these days and think “the other side” just doesn’t get it. So have a willingness to deeply understand someone else’s view and acknowledge that not only is it okay for them to feel and think that way but maybe their perspective is right!

Or, at the very least, find the common ground that you can both stand on.

Once you’re on that common ground, leave the differences behind, even if momentarily. Build on that common ground through “life” conversations about families, favorite movies, vacation spots, and food. 

You’ll soon recognize that you aren’t enemies. While the differences are still there and may always remain, you’ll recognize that you don’t have to yell at each other. 

By the way, if you’ll have those conversations over coffee or maybe a sweet dessert, you may hang out on that common ground just a little bit longer! 

Is there someone in your life who thinks differently than you do? Invite that person to share over coffee or something sweet — and find that common ground! 

This article first appeared on www.darrenkford.com. For this blog and others, click here.