Friends Under Duress

Assess

Redress

Don't fold under duress

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Lyrics from the song 'Sea of Tragedy'

By Clifford

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The subject of his email read, 'Arson attack at my synagogue.'

A friend of mine sent a message to several members of our secular men's support group, Men Mentoring Men (M3), informing us that a masked man had thrown a Molotov cocktail through the glass door of his family's synagogue at 3:00 AM.

Fortunately, it was extinguished on contact, and no one was hurt, yet the community's safety was shaken, and fear was instilled.

Through the email exchange that followed, men offered heartfelt empathy and compassion. They spoke of panic buttons installed in their synagogues, paying for armed guards during worship services, and synagogue members volunteering to stand watch.

Being part of the dialogue again heightened my awareness and sharpened my focus on what people within marginalized communities experience on an ongoing basis.

I am grateful he had friends on which he could rely for compassion and support.

Let's have a conversation about how we can support our friends under duress and how our self-examination can help us be more intentional and responsive to our friends in need.

How can we engage in community with others to genuinely support them when a member of their community is attacked, subjected to threat, or feels fear?

The discussion reminded me how unlikely I would be subject to that kind of attack. It enraged me that my friends, their families, and their communities were. You will find my response to him below:

It makes me extremely angry to hear about people acting like this. Attributing things to people, they know nothing about and believing that their behavior will alleviate their suffering in some way.

I try to conjure compassion for all who are impacted, including the perpetrator, and still, I find my anger remains.

It takes fierceness to hold fast to Loving in the face of hate.?

I wish you, your family, and your community peace, courage, and resilience.

My heart is with you.

Stay safe and be well.

Big Love always,

It was the best I could offer.

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The all-to-common incident reminded me of the perpetual duress some groups experience, including African Americans and blacks who have suffered oppression since our country's origins, Asians, Muslims, Jews, Hispanics, the LGBTQ community, Native Americans, the disabled, and women. The list goes on.

It can be challenging to remember Italians, the Irish, Catholics, and other groups that have since mainstreamed into our culture suffered much of the same fate not long ago.

As one who resides outside these groups, I find it challenging to comprehend what it feels like to be a member of these communities, let alone a member of more than one.

We need to pause and take time to acknowledge and appreciate the lived experiences of those among us who remain subject to threats solely for being who they are.

I am not subject to the scrutiny and negative attribution of these groups' members. My friends are, though, and that infuriates me.

More visible, higher-profile incidents that get notoriety, such as the brutal death of Tyre Nichols at the hands of police, represent only a hint of what people endure. The harmful associations many people make about those they deem different or less than them consciously and, most critically, unconsciously are pervasive and significant.

Assumptions, biases, and prejudices reside within us. They reveal themselves in micro-aggressions and other ways that frequently lie outside our level of awareness.

Members of these communities are subject to them on an ongoing basis. These are not one-off incidents. The manner others regard them is not isolated. It is felt through collective experience, over time, within the context of their shared history.

Unless we are around them engaging in dialogue about their experiences, we cannot begin to comprehend what it is like to be constantly vulnerable to threats in various forms.

Diversity is all around us, more than we realize. A high percentage of people with whom we interact are members of communities of which we are unaware.

Unless people voluntarily disclose these aspects of themselves, we do not really know their degree of ableism. Most disabilities are not outwardly noticeable. We do not necessarily realize a person's faith or ethnicity. Gender and orientation fluidity run the spectrum that frequently lies below the surface.

We cannot be judgmental and curious at the same time. Curiosity keeps us open, learning, and engaged. Judgment closes us off, stifles compassion, and separates us from one another and ourselves.

Compassionate curiosity involves putting yourself in another's shoes by asking questions, trying to understand their experience, and showing care. These are foundational elements of valued relationships.

Self-honesty is vital for healthy and clean relationships with ourselves and those we perceive as apart from us.

We need to take the time to consider our biases. Get curious about where they came from. Commit to doing a little better each day and strive to be an ally.

Developing friendships with members of diverse communities is an excellent place to start. It grows one's acceptance of self and others.

Inclusion is a contact endeavor that demands being in relationships with others.

Worthy Considerations:

1.????What do my friends need from me as an ally, especially when they experience direct or witness indirect violence or injustice to themselves or their communities?

2.????What drives our need to classify people? How do our judgments and what we attribute to others contribute to their 'unsafety.'

3.????How can I offer safety to my friends who have experienced trauma based on their identity or way of being?

4.????How can I be a better friend to those who have had experiences where they have been oppressed?

5.????What can we learn from the experiences and perspectives of others if we are willing to listen? What does remaining open and curious do for our relationships with others and ourselves?

Please connect with me to learn ways to embrace yourself and others more fully to raise the quality of your leadership to benefit you, your family, your team, your organization, and your community. I welcome the conversation.

Robert Hackman, Principal, 4C Consulting and Coaching, helps people live and lead with fewer regrets. He grows and develops leaders through executive coaching consulting, facilitation, and training of individuals, teams, and organizations. He is committed to Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion. He facilitates trusting environments that promote uncommonly candid conversations. Rob is also passionate about the power of developing Legacy Mindsets and has conducted over 50 Legacy interviews with people to date.

A serious man with a dry sense of humor who loves absurdity can often be found hiking rocky elevations or making music playlists. His mixes, including Pandemic Playlists and Music About Men, can be found on Spotify.