Friends Matter. Must We Divorce Them Too?

By Stacy D. Phillips, Esq.

Having friends at any given point and time in life is a gift. After all, we cannot choose our family, yet we can choose our friends, and if we are fortunate enough, those friends can become our family. Our friend groups are not a minor factor when we reach the crossroads of a divorce. Then we may discover how much our friends mean to us and who is a lifelong friend.

The very concept of having friends is something we can take for granted. It may be true for some people that making friends – true friends – is more difficult as we age, but that has not been true for me. Perhaps there are fewer opportunities for some people to make friends than in their youth, but I believe good friendships at any age make life grander.

So, as you approach divorce, the question arises: What will happen to your valued and trusted friendships? Will you have to split the friends as you divide the pension, silverware, and furniture? Like divorce, the answer may not please your heart and soul.?

Time and change wait for no one, nor does fear. During and after a divorce, friendships could either be strained or end entirely for two fundamental reasons: fear or grief. It could be that your friends are shocked by the sudden end of your marriage, or they could have seen it coming long before you did. Life throughout a divorce is uncertain, and your friends may not know how they should proceed. They could be scared of being perceived as unfair or perhaps making things worse for you or, worse yet, for themselves.

As you go through a divorce, a friend may face three general choices: 1) stay loyal to the friend they met first, 2) stay loyal to the friend they feel closer to, or (sad as it is), 3) choose no side at all and leave. In rare instances, friends can maintain relationships with both parties to the divorce, yet that requires an understanding, agreement, and extreme emotional maturity by all involved.

Our friends are human beings like anyone, and no one likes to grieve losses. The grief of your divorce will encompass all loved ones in your life, friends being no exception. Even a half-decent friend will suffer with you, yet willingness to tolerate this change may be tested and prove inadequate for your friendship to endure.

Imagine the time before you were divorced; it was relatively easy to go out with friends as a couple. However, when you are no longer part of a couple, you may find yourself uninvited amongst your friends.?

Friends may not wish to avoid you intentionally. A business may be involved, or they may feel other reasons they should remain loyal to your former spouse. It is equally possible that your divorce scares them, not simply for fear of change but of contagion. Psychological studies have shown an increased likelihood of divorcing from a spouse when a friend or someone in one’s social circle has gone through that process. Indeed, your friends may find that your divorce makes them uncomfortable in their marriages. These feelings may come to be unbearable, and a friend’s departure may become inevitable in turn.

How do I need you now?

It is not too bold to say that the friends who are there for us when we are down in life are often the truest of friends. The social support provided by friendship will become all the more apparent after a divorce. You may find yourself leaning on friends more than ever before. I often suggest that my clients not overstay their welcome with their friends. At the very least, do not constantly talk about the horrors and tribulations of your divorce. Friends may grow tired of you, and though they are still your friends, they do not wish to be consumed by these unfortunate events.

How do I love thee? Measuring expectations with reality.

I mentioned before that single is not the norm for most people. Friends, particularly couples, might avoid you because your marital status has changed to single. While it is true these days that people are generally more accepting of divorce, it remains stigmatized in some circles, be they religious, old school, or, for no particular reason, judgmental people.

It is also the case that some people cannot stand to be single. Being single again after a divorce may also mean a newfound freedom. If that is the case, then more power to you; retain that positivity! But please beware that not everyone will like that for you.

When you were married, you were part of a couple and arguably more pleasing to the eyes and perceptions of others. With your newfound eligible status, your friends may consider you a threat. Their spouses could get a taste of this new freedom, thus potentially jeopardizing what they have. That single person in the group may be more than the elephant in the room, particularly if any of your friends’ marriages are currently on the rocks or at risk – a divorced friend could be the last thing they feel they need.

The upshot is that a friend is not a good friend if they reject you for fear of their marriage ending. It's not a pleasant thought, but you may discover what type of friends you had all along.?

Easy to remember, and so hard to forget. There is only one direction to go. As with marriage, friendships can come to an end. You certainly may not like the experience of being dumped by a friend, and the feeling of outrage and pettiness that comes with it may seem too much to bear. As with your former spouse, accepting these changes will not come easy. Nevertheless, knowing which of your friends are with you and which are not is essential.

Spending time with your friends after a divorce and maintaining a quality social life for your overall mental health and well-being are equally important. Replacing friendships won’t be easy, yet this is a great time to begin new acquaintances and engage with new people in your community. It’s a time to evaluate existing relationships and commit to new activities to meet new people and make new friends.

The feeling of abandonment at the loss of a friend will consistently hurt, possibly even more than the loss of your spouse. That pain is real and a reminder that friends matter. Our real friends are there for us when we are down, as we are for them. If you feel bad when losing friends, you feel this way with good reason. Your life is different, but you can still make it great.