Friends and enemies

I have always been a simple person, with a simple world view. Everyone in my life fit into one of two boxes. They were either my 'friends' or my 'enemies'. I would do anything for a friend, and stay away from enemies. I was one of those children who would not talk to anyone she considered an enemy, who would secretly rejoice when the enemy got lower marks or was pulled up by the teacher for something.

That child stayed inside the adult and I was just the same at the workplace.

I mocked politicians for forming alliances, breaking them, and reforming an alliance with someone they bad-mouthed in the past. To me, the boxes were static. People in the enemy box always remained there, and mostly the friend box too. Unless a friend fell off the golden box - and landed up as an enemy.

All this was fine till a few incidents shattered my comfortable, 'either/ or' view of people in my professional life.

One of my managers, a senior leader where I worked, let us call him X, developed a fondness for a peer of mine. He started giving her the best assignments, started putting her in the limelight so that she was noticed by senior leaders and so on. To add insult to injury, he started picking on everything I did. He found faults where none existed, he pushed me to do more than my fair share. The whole thing came to a head when she was promoted over me, on what was definitely an unfair move.

Usha being Usha, I quit.

I moved on in life, working across industries, and met the very same Mr X at a professional seminar.

He was now a senior leader in the group office of a large business house.

It is true that time heals wounds, it is also true that older equals more maturity. At least it was so for me.

When we met, I greeted him politely, but definitely not warmly.

I was stunned at his response. He greeted me warmly with a hug, and on the podium, took to introducing me as a star that he had in his team, who he lost. I could see that he meant it! In fact, he ensured he connected me with a wide range of very senior folks that day, and a few years later, when he came to know that I had set up my own consulting services business, he reached out and connected me to several professional opportunities.

A Function Head in a Client's Organization was turning out to be quite a problem. She would constantly speak against the solutions being implemented, she would ask questions in reviews that were meant to show us in poor light, she would refuse to agree to timelines, she would make quite a few unreasonable demands. In short, she was being a pain in the @#$% and she definitely fit into the 'enemy' box.

By now, Usha was wiser and didn't put people into her two boxes in a hurry. Also, truth be told, Usha couldn't afford to fight wars as a consultant. Clients don't pay consultants to get caught up in turf wars or internal politics. They pay us to deliver the desired outcome. I had to bite down, ignore the negative emotions she raised in me, and find a way to get past.

So, I coaxed her to meet one on one, in a neutral zone, so there was no need for either of us to grandstand or play a role, no need to flex muscles. She agreed to meet, and in the course of the meeting, I realised that she didn't want anything radically different from what I was proposing. She wanted a few tweaks, some of which enhanced what I was proposing. I also realised that she felt upset at not having been consulted before hiring me.

Long story short, I tweaked the solution, gave credit to her for her suggestions in the next leadership meeting, ensured she was part of the core team, and things got much better. Didn't quite make her my friend, but definitely no longer an enemy.

So in summary, I have come to realise there are no friends or enemies when it comes to professional life.

Circumstances, roles, the specific time and place influence how one behaves.

Usually, it is nothing personal.

Often, it is transient.

More often than not, the person behaving in a manner that hurts you does it unknowingly, unintentionally, and doesn't even notice what is happening with you. They are focused on what they want.

If we view things in this light, we may react differently to situations.

First, we will experience lesser anger and hurt, may not even experience those emotions.

Second, we won't box people permanently into for or against boxes. This helps, because someone who seems to be against you today may be for you tomorrow and vice-versa.

Third, this helps us to view situations with better clarity, understand what is working for and against what we want, and strategise more effectively. Chances of success, chances of handling the difficult situation are far better.

Fourth, when we realise it is not about us, rather, it is about them and what they want, we can understand the issues better.

Lastly, this will ensure we don't shoot off our mouths, saying things about people that will haunt us later, maybe forever. Less anger/hurt always equals less regrettable dialogues! Take it from me, I have been there, done that, so I know!

Sports people understand this best - they know, the opponent isn't bothered about making them lose. The opponent wants to win. It isn't about you, it is about me!

When you understand this at work, you can find ways to make both win? A good Coalition, a partnership, a solution that gives both what they want or at least seems to...