FRIENDS

I’m in Toronto for the first time in very long time. Though I flew in for business, I took the opportunity to reconnect with several former work colleagues for dinner last night. When the three of us started talking, we realized that it had literally been over twenty years since we had last seen each other. None of us had children yet and we were all in the earlier stages of our careers. I was so grateful for each of them taking time away from their own families to see me. Our incredibly rewarding dinner meeting got me thinking about friends…

My number one value is Friendships/Relationships. But what does that mean to be a friend? And how does one become a friend with someone? There are many ways we can initiate friendships, keep in touch with friends over short periods of time and maintain/nurture our friendships/relationships over decades. The focus of this post is to talk about the SOURCE of those friendships. Since I’m a simple guy, I’ll attempt to share my own experiences in establishing friendships in chronological order…

Kids in the neighborhood

While I’d love to reconnect with someone I went to pre-school with at some point, my first recollection of establishing friendships is with kids in my neighborhood growing up. I met one of those kids in 4th grade – and he’s one of my best friends in the world to this day. We talk a few times a month, connect live a few times a year and never seem to be too far out of each other’s lives. He literally came over to my house a few days after I moved into the neighborhood in 4th grade, and we’ve been connected since then. I’m grateful that my parents moved to an area where there were many kids – a pattern I established for my own sons when deciding where to live during their elementary, middle and high school years. I hope my sons do the same for their children in the future.

School (pre-college)

Meeting new kids at elementary and middle school was a blast for me. Those who know me well will likely dispute this statement, but I am somewhat introverted. Growing up, I quickly figured out how to lean into the few extroverted molecules in my body until it became 2nd hand for me. I met several good friends through classes, music, theater, sports and more. Many of us remained friends through high school and into college. Sadly, some of these friendships dissipated as the years went on and as we started our individual relationships, families, etc. And many other friendships went on “hibernation” over time, but were rekindled over the years. The net – I’m still in close touch with a dozen or more friends from grade school and high school – and I’m so grateful we can share such a common connection about school while still talking about our current lives so fluently. And I won’t be posting photos or commentary the adventures of five of us high school buddies (all friends +30 years) when we jointly travel to Mexico in a few months…but I digress.

College

One of my fondest memories from college comes from the smallest room I lived in during my four years at University of Illinois. Of course, my roommate from that tiny little room is one of my closest friends from college. I had the great pleasure of spending most of a day with him and his family over the Christmas holidays while in Chicago last December. In just the past six months, though we live nearly 2,000 miles apart, we’ve connected 3-4 times including fun at Wrigley Field, a road trip to Lambeau Field and eating home cooked, deep-dish, Chicago-style pizza before a game night with both of our families less than two months ago.

But back to that little room… We literally had enough space for two beds (one on the floor), two small dressers and two small desks. Many evenings, we’d end up with somewhere between five and eight of us in that tiny little room playing cards, watching TV, talking about mindless topics and, generally doing everything possible NOT to study for class. Over the years, we’ve stood up in each other’s weddings, watched us start families, stay connected as we moved and traveled around the world and, sadly, reconnected at a funeral that happened WAY too early in life. It’s gratifying to know that any one of us could call each other for anything and we’d be there to support one another in a moment’s notice.

As a father of a college sophomore and high school junior, I’m so excited to see how my sons are developing their own potential life-long relationships with friends from school. And, eventually, they’ll have an opportunity to meet more friends…though hopefully not in a tiny little room.

Work

This one is extensive. Kudos to Reid Hoffman for seeing the importance of this connection and starting LinkedIn so many years ago. It’s been a great way for individuals to reconnect with their colleagues from previous jobs. My dinner connection last night is a GREAT example. Who is willing to take a break from their daily lives and meet a guy they knew over twenty years ago for dinner? Thanks so much to my two former InterTrans Logistics colleagues for taking the time to connect with me last night. It was absolutely INCREDIBLE to catch up with you both – I was smiling for several hours after dinner.

Some work connections I haven’t connected with in decades…but others I keep in touch with frequently. My first job out of college was at IBM. I have connected with those IBM friends in many cities around the US over the years. And it always feels as if we just spoke last week – even if it’s been years. Right now, I’m totally loving my work life at Pariveda Solutions. How did I connect with this company? With two former colleagues who, separately, convinced me to check out this amazing little organization. In fact, almost every career move I’ve made over the years was due to a friendship I developed in one work environment that led me to a new one. I’m so grateful for the relationships and trust we built together over the years.

+1…or “six degrees of separation from Kevin Bacon”

What does this mean? You know the story of Six Degrees of Separation? Basically, we are connected to EVERYONE in the world by no more than six degrees of separation. I’ve found in my life there are so many +1 connections, that I don’t even need to search out all six degrees. For example, I have a few friends from U of I that I barely knew at U of I during my four years there. But they, or their significant others, were good friends with my wife and I connected with them through that +1 after college when we were all in Chicago. I connected with one while in Chicago just a few months ago and another many times – including during the Cubs run to the World Series in 2016 (yes – they won in case you weren’t paying attention). What an amazing way to establish a new friendship than through some awesome, trusted and comfortable +1 relationships to start things out. I’m certain there are a ton of new people to meet out there through a +2 through +6 connection. But I’ve been thrilled with the amazing people I’m friends with through my +1 connections…I haven’t spent much time with +2, +3, +4, +5 or +6.

Social/Community/More

This bundle includes many different venues – depending upon your own interests. Some people meet great friends through church while others might meet someone through your local community. Connecting with others through some type of common interest is a great way to meet new people and establish life-long friendships. I’m reconnecting with a friend (and her husband) this week from my community with whom we jointly raised $250K to build a playground for our children (in very different grades) over a decade ago. We had several years of working our butts off to raise $250K. We went our separate ways as children went through school. And now, many years later, we are reconnecting. Awesome. Makes me so happy.

Kids “stuff”

Not everyone has kids, but getting my sons involved with so many different events has been a great way to meet new people as well. There’s obviously a common interest in whatever our kids are doing. And, in the early phases, we are all known as “Someone’s Dad or Mom”. But, over time, I’ve gotten to be very good friends with some people with whom I would have never met if our kids weren’t on the same high school lacrosse team or travel basketball team. One of them has given me some great advice on starting a company – and we met because I coached his daughter, along with my son, on a kindergarten, co-ed basketball team a decade and a half ago.

Random

This is one of my favorites. Maybe a catch all because I’m not coming up with many more categories. And maybe not so random. But I didn’t know how to categorize this one at all. One of my favorite Seattle memories…. I was just shooting basketball on Queen Anne (yes – Seattle reference) when another dude joined me. We started shooting together and talking about hoops. He invited me to play in his weekly pickup games. We’d hang out after. We eventually figured out that we both like theater and we started going to shows in Seattle and having dinner after with our wives. To this day, he’s one of my best friends in the world. We travel often. Hang out when we can. And, generally, talk several times a week. I’m so grateful we connected in the summer of 1995 so many years ago.

Common “challenges”

Life isn’t easy. We all need to focus on the journey and not get too concerned about the many ups and downs that life deals each one of us. Whether you are experiencing “challenges” in your work life or personal life, you might find others who are facing similar circumstances. Over the years, I’ve connected with several people who are now close friends with whom I connected with simply because we were facing similar issues and wanted to help each other. Right now, I’ve been given an incredible opportunity to lead a small software company within Pariveda Solutions. I’ve connected with several people who are giving me some great advice and counsel…and are quickly becoming good friends. Again.

Gap months or years or decades

Not sure how to categorize this one either. Basically, apply any of the previous categorizes and then apply time to the equation. For example, I’ve reconnected with a friend here in Seattle with whom I went to University of Illinois. We knew each other in college, but weren’t close friends at that time. We are now totally reconnected (after decades) and helping each other through work, life and more.

What other categories did I miss? Travel? Social Media? Traumatic events? More? At my current phase in my journey of life, I’m digging into the breadth of my friendships in order to explore where I’d like to dig into the depth of my friendships. I hope you can explore both and discover what’s most important to you for the time you have left in your own journeys.

I’m grateful for Pariveda Solutions for creating space to enable me to explore my own personal growth in parallel with my career growth. I wrote about my sabbatical last summer…it was an AMAZING opportunity for me to connect and reconnect with several dozen friends – most of them face-to-face. I wish all of you the opportunity to connect, or reconnect, with friends you established many years or decades ago…or more recently. And, for the record, if I’m on your list, I’ll look forward to seeing you soon.