#FridayFeels | Op-ed #2: Cry me a Yo-Yo Ma performance ??

I was listening and watching the youtube video of this Nature performance by Yo-Yo Ma, and before I knew it, with the soft cascades of the background river stream and the strumming of Yo-Yo's cello bow, I was so moved that I started tearing. Tears of joy. This caught me by surprise for sure!

Which got me thinking about tears and why we cry, and what happens after we have cried. Whilst I am not advocating that we burst out into tears in the office, but sometimes as managers, we have to be able to catch the cues from our teammates, and realise that what they are needing is a space to cry because it is all getting to be too much for them to bear at that moment. Whatever the case might be.

It seems like we land at a state of equilibrium after a cry session.

I reflect on the recent moments where I have cried and it was not too long ago that I was crying from stress. I was at my wits end in regards to a business decision I had to make and I felt so stressed that I was just bawling over the phone call with another Founder friend of mine.

These were emotional tears, as research reveals that there are 3 types of tears that the human body produces:

• basal tears, which keep our eyes lubricated
• reflex tears, which we cry in response to physical triggers, like dust or onions
• emotional tears (be it happy tears or sad tears)

If crying is a revelation of humans' emotions, did you know that human beings are the only animals to produce tears when we cry? Smithsonian curator Bryan reveals that if animals were to produce tears, it is a signal to call in the vet to check for an infection or scratched cornea.

In Japan, there are "rui-katsu", or "crying clubs", where adults gather and participate in group crying, as a therapy session to release stress and prevent an internal build-up of emotions.

"According to Yuhei Kayukawa, a psychiatrist and professor emeritus at Nagoya Institute of Technology, crying is an extremely important aspect of human behavior."

As I grow older, I realise that I feel less ashamed about crying in public. When I was in my early 20s, if I watched a rom-com or a sad movie, I will be self-conscious about tearing up in the theatre. Even though it was pitch black and no one can see or know! These days, in my late 30s, I give myself permission to tear up in the movie theatres; or cry in public and dab tissue generously if I was in an emotional state at that moment.

Women cry emotional tears about 30 - 64 times a year whilst men cry 5 - 17 times a year. Studies have shown that crying helps to relieve stress and regulate our moods, because "concentrations of prolactin, manganese, serotonin, cortisol and adrenaline have been detected in emotional tears", which play a role in helping us to relax from the prior stressful state that our sympathetic nervous system was experiencing.

Happy tears also happen and happy crying occurs in four scenarios:

• moments of extraordinary affection (eg: weddings, 55% of positive crying on average)
• moments of unusual achievement (eg: winning an award, 29% on average)
• moments of awe (eg: beautiful music, 8% on average)
• moments of intense amusement (eg: something really funny, 3% on average)

Humans enter the world as crying babies and so in adulthood, we should honour our feelings and give ourselves permission to cry too. If life has been hectic, and our chests feel congested or stuck, it is a bodily sign to ourselves that we need a cry session soon.

Whether happy tears or sad tears, I have realised that after a cry session, I fall into a slumber that night and wake up the next day more calm. I will feel abit more raw the next day, but strangely also feeling more balanced the next day.

So managers, leaders, let's hold space for one another, and give ourselves or our teammates permission to cry, when the emotions well up or swell up. For it is only human to cry. If you are feeling stressed out, but not sure how to induce tears as a form of release, here are 3 suggestions that I have used as I navigated a release of the congested chest of emotions I experience time to time. Please note, tears are the goal. It might not be the case for you; but for me, I view tears as a literal release and remedy.

1. Carve out time deliberately. 90 mins to 3 hours on a day that I feel is the day that I will address this congested chest of emotions. Head out to Nature early in the morning or late in the evening and I will take a ~30 mins walk by the seaside. Then I will spend the remaining time just seated down and listening to the sound of waves. I will give myself permission to go towards those emotions that are accumulating in my chest. If they are really heavy, I will cry. If they are less heavy, I will just sit there with my emotions. I DO NOT look for solutions during this time frame. I literally sit with the emotions. When I feel more calm, I gradually ease back into life routines, and then I come up with solutions to my congested chest of emotions.
2. Seek out creative mediums. I will play a Spotify list of songs that are breakup songs. About love lost, about betrayal, about unrequited love, and then I try and lose myself in those words and lyrics. If this sets the mood but doesn't bring me to that point where I can cry, movies or episodic drama series can help (provided you have the time for this). #oneday / #Thirty-Nine (korean drama) / #From Scratch / #TheNotebook are some of the creative pieces I turn to when I know I need a cry to release pent up emotions.
3. Talk to a human who has experienced the emotions I am experiencing. This is an oldie but a goodie, if you are ready to talk about what you are feeling with another human. If you are a manager, it is our job to build the relational trust with our teammates so that in times like these, they will feel safe enough to come to us to talk about what they are experiencing. Notice I suggested "talk to a human" and not "talk to a trusted manager"? This is deliberate because in my view, our goal as a manager is to first be the trusted human, then secondly be the trusted manager. I feel that we have to know how to be humane and human first, before we can be an effective manager or great leader.

#FridayFeels

(a moment of happy, intense amusement tears, felt by Carrie, as she witnessed Charlotte ?? in her pants whilst nursing her sad feelings from breaking up with Mr Big)