Friday the 13th on Wednesday the 13th

Friday the 13th. I know it’s Wednesday the 13th, but to me Friday the 13th of July is an important date. 15 years ago today I encountered something that impacted me profoundly. As it is very personal, I was in doubt whether?to share it here, but took the plunge. I drew some lessons from my experience that possibly could help others as well.?

Friday the 13th, 2007

After a few weeks of increasing physical concerns, I visited my doctor again on this Friday. I had trouble walking stairs, running?wasn’t possible, squatting was really hard (which happens all the time with a pair of toddlers and a newborn), my fine motor skills were off and I felt very, very tired. In short, I did not feel well.?

This time the doctor asked me to perform a couple of physical tests, such as standing on my toes, coming up from a crouching position, testing my reflexes, and a few more. None of them successful. She concluded the examination with a suspicion of Guillain Barré, an autoimmune disease.?And subsequently she sent me off to the hospital for further testing. The tests that were performed over there confirmed her diagnosis: Guillain Barré, a polyneuropathy in which the immune system attacks the peripheral nerves. Mostly affecting hands and feet and in my case slowly creeping up.?

I checked into the hospital on Friday 13 July 2007. I checked out from the rehabilitation clinic late October of that year. For some three and a half months I stayed in two hospitals and a rehabilitation clinic. Initially, my condition went from walking independently into the hospital to shuffling around with a walker. Later I was confined to a wheelchair and lived primarily in a horizontal position. For two months the slide continued, leaving me unable to perform the most basic tasks possible. With limited ability to use my hands and legs, there’s not much you can do yourself.?

After two months the diagnosis was adjusted to the chronic version of Guillain Barré: CIDP. And that helped to start the right treatment. Over the course of another 4-5 months I got back on my feet, quite literally. A combination of medication, physiotherapy and ergotherapy helped me regain my regular abilities. Over the years thereafter the symptoms sometime re-emerged, but luckily never to that same extent as in 2007. I now consider myself healthy and fully recovered, supported by a large degree of optimism that this was a one-off situation.

Initially, I had severe difficulty of embracing the learnings from this episode. From the moment that it ?was possible again, I plunged headfirst into work and life. Relieved that I was able to do so without holding back. I did experience some residual effects, but mostly pushed through. When people asked me that inevitable question on what I learned from this episode, I mostly dismissed it. "That was then, this is now. I was unlucky, and now I am lucky to have regained my abilities. Move on."?

Now 15 years later I am seeing this in a different perspective. After all these years I do see that I have some take-aways that I gained from this.

Firstly, in stressful and uncertain times like this you see who is around for you. Family, friends, colleagues. The ones that were there then, are also now still the backbone of my life.

Secondly, I experienced that in my deepest hours, I was able to see opportunities. Whereas my glass was definitely not half full, I tried to envision it to be filled to the rim. I made business plans, thought about new options, tried to map out my life under different circumstances. In general I was energized, also when it was unclear that I would be able to live and work like I had before (some of this was definitely induced by the side effects of my medication :-)

Two other take-aways that I’d like to share as well:

When I entered this period I was in a role at a company that I did not enjoy as much as my earlier roles. I stuck to it despite feeling and knowing that I had made a wrong choice for me (the job and the company were all good, it just wasn’t where I wanted to be at that time). During my time away from this job, I realized that life’s short and that you can best focus on people, things and work that give you energy. Simply said, but not always easily done. In my case, I resigned as soon as I was able to work again and joined Top Employers Institute. That decision – to follow my feeling rather than the expected, corporate path – was one of the best ones I could make in that situation.

Lasty, when something life changing happens to you, seek advice and support. As I was recovering, I was offered counselling and therapy. And I did not accept the invitation. I thought I did not need it. I recovered, right? So what is the problem I need therapy for….? I realized only many years later – and after receiving support in various forms of counselling and therapy – that I actually did need that. To deal with the loss of confidence in my own body that failed on me in my mid-thirties. To find a new balance in my life. To move on properly.

?So today, I can celebrate. To be where I am now. To have regained my physical abilities, to enjoy my life, family, friends and work, to be in a better spot than on Friday the 13th 2007. I reflect on this now in a different way than I was able to earlier. And I appreciate life more than before.

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(I took this photo last Sunday, at a stone’s throw away from the rehabilitation clinic where I spent the summer of 2007. Still a favorite spot to walk my dog. There are worse places in the world to learn to walk for the second time.)

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#recovery #mentalhealth #physicalhealth #celebrate #life #cidp #guillainbarre #forabetterworldofwork