Fresh Tooth Paste
Do you have a favourite part of the day? Maybe it’s when you get home from work, or that moment of complete relaxation and accomplishment after a good spin class. For me, it’s the morning. I love the way the light comes in the house and assaults my eyes that really wish they were still closed. I love the sounds of the house as my family scrambles to get out the door, somehow always late.
The morning is such a special time. It’s also a time when some of my best ideas just sort of come to me. And just last week, I had one of those great ideas - this recipe.
We were sitting around our kitchen table - you know, the one I wrote about a few weeks ago that we built over a weekend out of reclaimed wood from the door of the school down the street (they say stolen, I say reclaimed, what’s the difference really?) - and we were just chatting about what the day ahead held. Just as we were about to finish breakfast, my son came down the stairs looking a bit more disheveled than usual.
As we were late - perpetually - I offered him a piece of toast to bring in the car on the drive to school. My thanks? A bratty response of “No spread on this, mom?” accompanied by the worst breath I’ve ever smelled. Clearly he’d skipped brushing his teeth.
That’s when it hit me. The best recipe I’ve come up with yet. Homemade tooth paste - but with a twist. You eat it!
Now, faithful reader, I’m sure you’re wondering where you’ll get all these ingredients from when you’re rushing in the morning and just need to grab something and go, right? Worry not. You’ve got most of it already laying around. So, go grab that mint, lemon, and a bit of salt and pepper and you’re just about ready to go.
But we can’t forget the teeth. They’re the star of this show. Where are you going to get those from? Well, if you're like me, you probably have a stash of old teeth lying around. Maybe you kept your wisdom teeth after they were removed, or perhaps you've collected fallen baby teeth from your children over the years. And of course, there’s the dark web. Never underestimate that! Either way, those little pearly whites are just waiting to be put to good use.
Once you've gathered your teeth, you'll need to grind them up into a fine powder. I find that a mortar and pestle works best for this, but you could also use a food processor or blender. Be warned - it takes some real elbow grease to crush up all those little teeth! But trust me, it’s so worth it. Just be sure to wear a mask to avoid inhaling any dust.?
Next, you'll need to mix the powdered teeth with some lemon juice and mint. The lemon juice provides a smooth texture and a necessary hit of citrus to balance out the inherent sweetness of enamel, while the mint taps into the familiar and nostalgic flavours of store-bought toothpaste.?
Finally, you’re going to need a vessel to serve your delicious dish al dente, as it were. I prefer a soda cracker, but really any cracker, bread or even stick of celery will do!
And that's it! You now have a homemade tooth paste that's not only environmentally friendly, but also a great conversation starter at your next brunch. Just be sure to store it in a cool, dry place, and use it within a few weeks.
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So go ahead, give it a try and make the most of your morning routine!
INGREDIENTS
INSTRUCTIONS
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INGREDIENT NOTES
Mint: Mint is a calming herb that people have used for thousands of years to help soothe an upset stomach or indigestion.
Lemon Juice: Lemons contain nutrients, like vitamin C and antioxidants, and promotes hydration.
Human Teeth: While it is not the easiest ingredient to get your hands on and might require some black market searching, it provides high doses of calcium and is rich in vitamins.