Frequently Asked Questions and Advice for Women in Tech

The more I talk with women in tech, whether at Microsoft or other industry events, I find the same questions come up. Here is a summary of my perspective on these topics.

Starting out: How to establish yourself in a new role?

Leverage your expertise and share your insights

Whether you're beginning a new position, or kicking off a project with a new v-team, you'll want a good start. There are a number of ways to introduce yourself, such as sharing about your education & experience, or connecting on common contacts & interests. Another approach is to establish your credibility in the context of the topic at hand. This can mean discussing the line of code for the software bug you're reviewing, sharing market data stats and customer experience anecdotes, debating methodology, or sharing key data points about the stakeholder's product or business that they may not even know themselves! Do your homework and show that you know your stuff. Finally, come to the meeting with new ideas. Make suggestions on new approaches to try next, and demonstrate that you're a strategic partner, thinking big.

Deliver high quality work, reliably and consistently

Next, walk the walk. Beyond speaking confidently about the topics above, demonstrate that you can deliver. Establish quick wins to create momentum and before long there will be an inventory of what you've accomplished. (Also gather feedback each time, to help make the next deliverable even better). Deliver on time and meet deadlines. Establish that you're reliable and ready to take on more.

How to "show up"?

How you present yourself is important. Here are some things you can do to set up for success.

Sit at the table (and speak up)

Sheryl Sandberg notes the need to "sit at the table" in her book "Lean In". While her critics point out that this is not the full solution to combat systemic issues, it doesn't hurt - so why not increase your chances? Whether it's an actual table or a metaphoric one for your meetings, show up, engage and participate.

Jo Miller approaches this topic by asking "Are you the best kept secret in your organization?". Newsflash: You don't want to be your organization's best kept secret - you want others to know your worth. :) Meredith Fineman calls this the "qualified quiet". Too often I hear from women that they don't get credit for their work, or aren't considered for opportunities. But how can we expect others to give us credit if we don't share? One of the top explanations I hear for not sharing about one's work is that it feels too self-promotional, and I agree that it should be done tastefully. In this case, I recommend turning things around to think about how your sharing can help others. Did you use an approach that others can now leverage in their work? Can your sharing help spark collaboration opportunities, that will lead to better customer and business outcomes? Consider these perspectives and find an appropriate way to share.

Develop your exec presence, and find your natural style:

You want to show up in a way that gives others confidence in you - to trust the facts you're sharing, and trust that you'll deliver on what you say you're going to do. Be aware of your tone and body language, to see if they convey that message. Simply video taping yourself, and/or asking for feedback from a coworker can be quick ways to see how you're doing, and discover any blind spots. Pat Kirkland does a lot of work on this topic and has trainings with good practice exercises. Richard Klees also offers excellent coaching for presentation skills. BLUF is an important technique as well, to provide a concise summary upfront and let the audience decide where they want to dive deeper with their questions. In the end, you'll want to develop an executive presence that feels natural for you. This is not a one-size-fits-all exercise. It may require trying a few approaches to see what feels like "you".

How to get opportunities?

Communicate your career goals and interests

First of all, do good work, establish credibility, and grow your network of supporters. But another key step that women often miss is to talk about their career goals and interests. I heard a story some time ago about two students (male and female) who wanted a teaching assistant role, but the man shared these aspirations with the professor and the woman did not. (She assumed that if she worked hard, she would be considered.) When the opportunity came around, the professor gave it to the man, because he knew he wanted it. Of course, the woman was surprised but learned a key lesson. While the topic of career goals can be harder for women to raise, we can't expect managers to read our minds. We need to say what we want. Similarly, if you're a manager, it's important to create a welcome environment for these conversations, and find out what your employees' goals and interests are.

How to handle situations when you're outnumbered?

Don't play the numbers game

Many women in tech have had the experience of walking into a room, and counting the men vs women ratio. Please, don't do this! Playing this counting game might trick you to think you don't belong. Research shows that women and minorities perform worse when they're reminded of their minority status and corresponding stereotypes.

Turn it around and have humor

One positive perspective that I consider in these situations is that it will be very easy for anyone to remember me, whereas others may need to do more to stand out. You can also find some humor in the situation; humor goes a long way to put us at ease.

How to stay positive?

Tame your inner critic

Unfortunately women tend to have a stronger inner critic than men. The inner critic is an inner voice used to judge or criticize oneself, whether justified or not. Here are a few different approaches to "tame" the inner critic. Try them out and see what works for you:

• Inner Critic Inner Success recommends playing devil's advocate. If your inner critic says you're not good at something, push yourself to give 1-3 reasons why you actually are.
• Micha Goebig advises to talk to yourself as you would a friend, to promote self-compassion.
• Amy Cuddy provides "power poses" that can boost feelings of confidence. (Sounds crazy, but apparently there's research behind it...).

Self-care

General self-care techniques (sleep, exercise, fresh air) all help contribute to a more positive balance of inner thoughts. Supportive friends and family also provide confidence to achieve your goals.

How to handle doubt?

Share what you know

Women tend to doubt themselves more than men. For example (as a broad generalization), a woman may not raise her hand if she only knows 80% of the answer, whereas a man may raise his hand if he only knows 70%. As women, we need to realize that we're holding back information in these cases and actually doing the audience a disservice by not sharing what we know. Often when I share the parts that I know, it is actually sufficient, and sometimes even more than the question asker needed. (Of course, this still means maintaining integrity and only sharing what you actually know.) If anything remains, you can always send a quick follow-up.

Apply

Another scenario where this comes up is job applications. Women are less likely to apply for jobs where they don't meet all job requirements. This is a big problem systemically, because it means women are aiming lower than men. Tracey Trewin has a nice post on this topic called Don't disqualify yourself from the opportunity. She explains the situation from the employer perspective and notes that there are many ways to be successful in a role - you may have a specific background that makes you uniquely qualified, in a way that the employer was unable to predict when writing the job description.

How to work through perfectionism?

Micha Goebig teaches to focus instead on excellence, and remember that "Done is better than perfect". If you have tasks on your backlog that you are never able to reach because you don't have the time to do them perfectly, then perfection is hampering your progress. As a data scientist, this is not something I take lightly. We hold a high bar for data quality, double checking our work, and ensuring that we never mislead a stakeholder with inaccurate analysis. However, there are other parts of our work that we can (safely) do more efficiently. For example, I can publish this article without many additional edit rounds. It will still provide value to others, and I can get on with the next task. Sometimes we push ourselves to deliver at "120% quality" when all that the audience needed was 90% to point them in the right direction.

How to take feedback?

Remember that feedback is a gift. Whoever took the time to give it is investing in your growth and development. Of course, positive feedback is fun to receive, and ideally the majority is positive. Positive feedback can also provide reminders about what your strengths are, what personal brand you convey, and what to continue doing. At the same time, the constructive feedback is important to eliminate blind spots and help you grow to the next level. Listen to what the feedback is (and don't get too hung up on how it was said or who it came from). Consider how you can incorporate it, check in with the feedback giver to ensure it's addressed, and then move on to the next thing. Thanks for the Feedback is a good book on this topic.

How to handle challenges?

Resilience, determination and grit

There are going to be bumps in the road. These situations may seem like asides at first, however they are actually the very situations that define us, and when our character comes out. Resilience is a key quality for successful people. It's the determination, drive, and grit to work through challenges, even when the going gets tough. "When there's a will, there's a way" and resilient people will find a way to achieve results, with a creative plan B, plan C, etc even when dependencies fall through.

"Not taking things too personally", and "letting go of things that no longer serve you", are a couple of additional perspectives that can help with moving on from things that upset you along the way.

How to speak up on controversial topics?

There is a balance between appearing too aggressive (by being too loud) or getting overlooked (by being too quiet). When leading challenging conversations, remain calm, be objective, keep it focused on the facts, appeal to agreed-upon principles, and avoid making it personal. Align around what's best for the team, the customer, and the business. I generally prefer to raise the topic myself, but another approach I've seen is to raise the topic through an ally. Crucial conversations is a good book for this topic.

If you see something in the workplace that doesn't seem right (injustice, disrespect, etc.), it's important to speak up. Do so in a respectful way, and assume good intent for all involved. 80% of the time it will turn out to be an innocent mistake and the meaning you took away is not what the person intended. For the remaining 20% of the time, you will be helping the other person think twice about repeating it in the future, now that they better understand the impact, and know that you are not OK with it. On the other hand, remaining silent in these situations is an invitation for them to continue in the future.

Mentors, sponsors, coaches, training and community

These topics are well covered in other forums, so I'll just comment briefly on them here.

Mentor: It's great to have at least one mentor in your organization, another outside your organization, and ideally many more. Mentors can help you navigate new scenarios, provide tips and ideas, and point out things that are holding you back. Also make sure to pay it forward, and mentor and support other women!

Sponsor: A sponsor is someone who advocates for you when you're not in the room, and helps connect you with new opportunities. Often sponsorship relationships build over time as the sponsor observes your work.

Coach: Coaches are more directive than a mentor and will tell you what you need to do to reach your goals and maximize your potential. Lauren Cooney is a great coach for women in tech, who can share pointed feedback based on her direct experience as a tech executive.

Training: There are many trainings offered for the topics in this post. This is a great way to learn new approaches, discover additional perspectives, and practice building new muscles.

Community: Connect with other friends and communities of women in tech. These networks can offer support, ideas, and "hacks" that others have tried. It's good to have friends who can both root for you, and tell you the honest truth you need to hear.

For moms in tech

Lastly, here are some tips for moms in particular.

How will having children affect my career trajectory?

It's hard to go from thinking of your career trajectory as a line, pointing up and to the right, and then contemplate a gap when you have a child. Here are a few perspectives that can help:

Don't leave before you leave

You're going to take time off on your leave, so don't hold back from opportunities before or after. While not something I personally experienced (I actually recall trying to fit in as much as I could before my leave!), I have heard many women share this thought. Sheryl Sandberg has a chapter on this topic in Lean In.

Leverage "life learning" on your leave

Someone once told me not to consider the time spent as a parent as a true "wash" from your career. I found it hard to believe at first, but then realized how much I had matured since becoming a parent. While there are certainly many differences between parenting and leading a team, there are also a lot of transferable skills. For example, becoming a parent was the best experiential learning for the true meaning of delegation. Leaving your most prized possession (a new baby) to the care of a caregiver is a great experience in letting go of control and trusting others. In order to delegate childcare successfully, it also requires providing clear direction, setting "norms", having open communication, etc. Beyond delegation, time management and prioritization are a couple of other transferable skills.

Take your time

Overall, I recommend taking whatever maternity leave your employer offers. Having a child is a major life-changing event, and beyond giving your body time to heal, it's also important to have this time to mentally adjust and bond with your baby. (This also lower chances of post-partum depression.) You may have an opportunity to take some time before your due date; this can be helpful for rest, final appointments and in case the baby comes early.

What to expect when you're expecting?

There will be some challenges

Pregnancy and childbirth are impactful events. We get used to them, since they're so common; yet it's still a miraculous process each time. There are many joyous aspects of being pregnant, such as the excitement and anticipation, feeling the baby kicking, strangers opening doors for you, baby showers, etc. However, there are also challenging aspects such as the fatigue, nausea, aches, and many other physical challenges that women face (including complications requiring bedrest).

Sharing the news

Many women ask when to tell their employer that they're expecting. This is a personal decision, but I generally recommend the second trimester. At that point, the pregnancy is fairly stable, and it still allows plenty of time for team planning.

Preparing for leave

Put together a coverage plan for when you're out. If possible, try to spread the load across team members, so that you only leave the unexpected to your manager. Consider roles that can provide opportunities and recognition for others.

Preparing for baby

Classes: I recommend taking childbirth, breastfeeding and child safety (CPR) classes at your local hospital. This will help you prepare and reduce unknowns.

Books: Your doctor might provide information to prepare you for the stages ahead. What to expect when you're expecting is a classic resource too.

Communities: Becoming a parent is one of the many milestones in life that's easier to go through with a village. You will quickly find new bonds and conversation topics with other parents at work. I also recommend joining local support groups in your neighborhood, place of worship, hospital, etc. It's helpful to exchange tips & tricks with others, learn about new scenarios, know that you're not alone, and have the encouragement of others.

Activity: Once you're able to manage the nausea, and any other health issues you may be experiencing, make it a point to stay active. This will decrease aches, provide endurance for childbirth, and enable an easier recovery.

Gear: It's hard to believe that a tiny baby can need so many things. Plan for some time to gather all of the necessary items.

How to prepare for returning to work (during your leave)?

Health: Focus on helping your body recover and resuming activity (following doctor's guidance).

Pumping: Start pumping a few weeks after baby is born. Freeze breastmilk, so your caregiver can use it when you return to work.

Practice: Learn new parenting skills, techniques, and gain intuition for infant care.

Reflect: Make a personal decision on returning to work. I love the combination between my family time and the challenging problems I get to solve at work. But it's a very personal decision and I completely understand and respect those who choose to stay home. At the same time, don't feel guilty if you decide to go back to work. It can set a good example for your kids (seeing women in the workplace), create a more equitable division of labor with your partner, and make you look forward to quality time together.

Plan for childcare: Decide if you will have a nanny, daycare or family member care for your child, and start making plans early.

How to be successful returning to work?

Check in: Meet with your manager a few weeks before the end of your leave, to discuss plans for your return.

Start date: Start mid-week if possible, so that your first week back is less overwhelming as you figure out new routines.

Develop a night time feeding schedule: If you can alternate feedings with your partner at night, that can give you both longer streaks of sleep.

Develop a pumping schedule: Book a regular slot on your calendar for pumping. Use a hands free system so you can still work offline during this time.

How to handle work/life balance?

Reflect on what "work/life balance" means to you. Is it coming home at a certain time for dinner each night? Being home on the weekends? Attending school events? Continuing parent/baby classes with your child? Taking this time to decide what's important will help you avoid regrets. Once you determine your goals, you can create a plan to put these activities into your schedule.

It's challenging to fill all the buckets: work time, learning time, family time, couple time, personal time, fitness time, friends time, etc. While I like to be superwoman across all of these areas, it takes true planning to ensure I'm covering each space. Some days I'll go deeper in one area, and then catch up on another the next.

Satya Nadella reminds us to be present in whatever you're doing at the moment. Sara Harvey Yao offers techniques for this in her books, Drop In and Get Present.

Book recommendations

Here are a few relevant books for women in tech, for further reading:

• Sheryl Sandberg: Lean in, Option B
• Shellye Archambeau: Unapologetically Ambitious
• Cara Alwill Leyba: Girl Code, Like she owns the place