Freeing Yourself From Anger
The Power of Forgiveness
Do you harbour grudges? Do you still get angry over incidents that affected you in the dim, distant past? Do certain people trigger hostile reactions in your thoughts and feelings? Do you still carry the emotional wounds and scars of your early years?
You shouldn’t be surprised to know that almost everyone carries these negative reactions in their hearts. It’s as if we’re hard-wired to retain these negatively-charged associations. And some wounds never seem to heal. They remain sensitive throughout the rest of our lives.
Which is a pity because the anger and resentment are very harmful to our health and wellbeing and can eat away at our inner peace, empowerment and self-esteem.
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored
than to anything on which it is poured.
- Baptist Beacon
So, what could produce these painful blisters of anger and resentment? The list of possible causes covers a very broad range of categories. Whether we’re referring to bullying, abuse, deception, betrayal, falsehoods, theft, infidelity or the loss of something – or someone – precious, each of these events care capable of gouging out a ragged trough in our hearts and leaving an open wound that might never heal.
Holding on to these feelings and nurturing a thirst for revenge or retribution may seem like a perfectly natural reaction in the face of any injustice or wrongdoing. We’re often reminded during childhood that the scales of justice must always be balanced and so we expect any hostile or harmful act to be met with an appropriate punishment or reckoning. A brief glance at the world around you will reveal that this is not always the way that things work. We might not be able to change the world and make everything better in one lifetime. But that shouldn’t prevent us from trying.
Understanding why these unpleasant episodes show up in our lives has always been a challenge. The eastern theory of karma has sometimes been used as a simple way to explain why bad things happen - and why they’re not always answered with an immediate and obvious counter-response. In reality, life is probably much more complex than this idea would suggest. Sometimes, we have to accept that wicked deeds are not always punished. Justice does not always prevail. We live in an imperfect world where we’re still striving for a better and more equitable society.
The sharpest sword is a word spoken in wrath.
- Gautama Buddha
But there is something we can do to deal with the intimate pain of personal injustice. We can learn to let go of our anger and detach ourselves from the immediacy of whatever happened to us. In many ways, one of the great challenges of our life is to learn to let go.
Have you ever noticed how people hold onto to the most painful episodes of their life whilst ignoring all the wonderful things that have happened? It’s as if we prefer to define ourselves according to how much pain and disappointment we’ve suffered, rather than by the blessings and advantages we’ve enjoyed. Perhaps we’re more sensitive to the pains and disappointment because they represent potential sources of danger that could be harmful to our survival. After all, no one’s likely to suffer from a surfeit of happiness, so we tend to remember situations that trigger unpleasant associations.
A man can't eat anger for breakfast and sleep with it at night and not suffer damage to his soul.
- Garrison Keillor
The problem with this phenomenon is that caution easily becomes anger. Emotional pain regresses into resentment. The bitterness of rejection becomes the raw fuel of revenge. And these feelings are toxic to the human condition.
We all know how we feel when we’ve succumbed to the boiling tempest of anger. It’s like a form of madness. We lose control of ourselves and we end up feeling awful. The aftermath leaves us feeling exhausted, off balance and guilty. The contagion swiftly spreads to the people around us, whether they deserve to be on the receiving end of our outburst or not. No one wins.
The answer is in the gift of forgiveness. Yes, people hurt us, sometimes intentionally and oftentimes not. But the harm is only prolonged when we hold onto the pain and the anger. Deeper breathing and a few moments to pause in the midst of the storm are all that’s required to begin the process of release. Relax you jaw muscles, release your shoulder and just enjoy the calming effect of the deeper breathing. And let go.
“I lose my temper, but it's all over in a minute," said the student.
"So is the hydrogen bomb," I replied. "But think of the damage it produces!”
- George Sweeting
You don’t have to tell anyone that you’ve forgiven them. In fact, this can be particularly counter-productive. But you can silently release your anger and detach yourself from blaming those who’ve wronged you. This is the pathway to personal freedom and an extraordinary way to flush the poison of anger from your system. As you cut through the emotional cables that connect you to external events, you move your perception to a new level that is refreshingly free from judgement. Of course, people will still persist in doing foolish and selfish things that drag the seeds of anger and pain in their wake but you will be free from their influence.
Learning to let go of old pains, wounds and disappointments will open your heart to new and happier possibilities. And your life will move in an exciting new direction that could take your breath way.
My friends, love is better than anger. Hope is better than fear. Optimism is better than despair. So, let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic. And we'll change the world.
- Jack Layton
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Greg Parry created The Wellness Foundation and the Cognitive Empowerment Programs specifically to help people master their stress, overcome their limitations and explore the power of their true potential.
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