The Freedom Within

 It was the Mothers’ day last weekend and amidst the numerous forwards I received highlighting indomitable strengths of ‘Mothers’, one particular advertisement (Mortien ad.) caught my attention. The storyline goes like this.. “Kid loses her teddy and calls out to mom to help trace it…when asked how mom would know, she retorts confidently”because, moms ‘know everything’, including where teddies can hide”. The next is a child screaming out for mom, frightened as he has spotted a roach, when asked if mom is not scared, he says, “Yeah, mom gets scared too, but is brave not to “show it”… and, the last one conveys mom “always on” - doesn’t get tired and keeping ‘everyone’ in the household safe n happy”  

How does all this connect to today’s times? We all know that Covid-19 is a global and existential crisis of unforeseen magnitude. Hence, there were statistics presented from Countries, States and Task forces where women at the helm of COVID crisis management have been successful in containing the spread of the pandemic far more than others. Is there a connection and an opportunity there especially for women?

There is no doubt that these stories are inspiring and relatable. In the same breath, makes us ponder as to why such stories come with a one day expiration date on 8th March and Mothers-day weekend.  What holds us back from internalising, believing the power within and claim the space that nature has so  generously bestowed on women.

In my work with developing women leaders in organisations, I have realised that apart from the work on creating an enabling environment for women, the bigger war that needs to be won is the one we need to win within our heads. Our mind is like a super computer that stores all messages since childhood, unable to erase or re-write some of these ‘self –limiting’ parental messages that come in the way from claiming our space. Messages that prescribe how and what a girls should do and what they should not. Similarly, there are ‘right behaviour norm messages’ like girls are accommodating or that girls always care and bring smile around etc. unknowingly decide her own coping strategies to win acceptance from others. These very beliefs over time, holds us back from soaring higher. Pearl Drego calls it as The Cultural Parent in Transactional Analysis Journal, 1983, where parental messages are reflected through culturally inherited beliefs customs and moral codes with inherited ways of acting out how we experience and demonstrate our own strength of character.

Stories like Sleeping beauty, Red Riding hood, Cindrella etc have a typical pattern of girl in distress ..and someone comes to ‘rescue’, undermining her own strength to figure her way out. Movies and cartoons have girls as adapting, pleasing everyone, keeping family happy. How intriguing, that these seemly subtle messages through the years, mythological characters’ like Sita, Draupadi or numerous historical characters have defined traits of ‘good girls’ leaving an intergenerational impact. So much so, that years exposure of cultural programming and stereotypes have slowly seeped in the minds of young girls and women, deeply embedding as beliefs and spreading as unconscious biases in the society as a whole.

Perhaps this global pandemic that faces us all today, presents an opportunity to unshackle some of these deep rooted beliefs that women hold within and prompt to Take charge, Lead with inner strength and compassion. It may be an opportune time to set ourselves free of self- imposed restrictions, savour what we have, soar beyond the boundaries set by society and live life on our own terms.

When we look at the impact of Cultural programming from an Organisational lens, it explains why despite numerous initiatives like policy changes or equal opportunity initiatives, leadership in diversity programs produce results that fall short of expectations. The biggest stumbling block for Women leadership initiatives is that most women do not sign up for larger roles (top management roles), seem satisfied with status quo and hesitate taking up challenging assignments and positions that put them in the spotlight of leadership scrutiny.

Interestingly, most of these women admitted to having advocacy and support from superiors. They had active sponsorship which reflected in the fact that they were a part of a development program, Highly educated, skilled and resourceful having a strong support system to fall back on. So, technically brilliant and well equipped at managing teams and delivery. Then, what is so different in senior leadership roles that prompts them to step back? Why is there self-doubt when they are successful in current roles, were some curious questions I asked while interviewing and coaching some of the successful women leaders. (trends observed from 50+ high potential women).

Having worked with many budding and highly successful women, who were a part of development interventions, here are some of my observations.

Observations and analysis: Most of the women hold back from actively seeking/asking for larger roles, once offered, they would take charge, however, hesitate making the first move.

Parental / Cultural factors:

1.         Absence of real role models: Let us connect back to the advertisement about the “stereotypical mom” which unknowingly is deeply etched in our psyche as a part of our cultural parent. The mental model in the child’s mind of mom “ Knows all”, “Pleases all” and is a “Superwoman” who has solutions to every problem in life. This is something woman feels pressured to live up to, despite knowing this is unsustainable and idealistic. The child inside, doesn’t let up, and she gets into a guilt trip if she slips up.

At the professional level too, the mix up of the role as perfect ‘mom’ and the one as a great ‘manager’ gets blurred when she feels obligated to providing answers to her team, solving their problems rather than live with the belief that they are capable of figuring out things on their own. Ever wondered why we don’t have stories of women managers equipping their team to figure out on their own as against the quintessential tough cop or a task oriented career woman?

The other factor is that for every example of a ‘successful women’ - the yardstick of success measure is very high. More so, when success has to be factored in EACH role she plays – both professionally and in personal roles (as wife, mom, daughter in law etc.) Why do we need to ask if the woman scientist or corporate leader is a great mother, wife, daughter when we don’t care to ask the same of men who lead? The more we get exposed to these narratives, the more women find reasons to tell themselves “I am not good enough”…”I can’t ….” Let me pass this opportunity, I don’t think I can succeed in all without compromising my family or profession  

2.        Refresh Need for Social Approval- set free: Most of the women leaders coached had a deep subconscious message (parental/cultural) some of which are that Girls should: ‘Be perfect’, ‘Please everyone’ etc. forming an invisible bind, shackling them to confirm to these societal expectations at every instance. Interestingly, these very messages transcend to compliance behaviours of being dependable, accommodative, resourceful, adjusting etc. which corporates label as “approved/successful’ behaviours.  However, the side effects are that over dependence on these behaviours over time results in exhaustion and stress… because, now in the ‘grip’, the belief has changed to “I need to be perfect in Everything I do” or “I need to keep Everyone happy at all times”. Resulting in long work hours, exhaustion. The need to please results in conflict avoidance behaviour or resisting roles that need one to present contrasting views, sharing dissent in the fear of upsetting others. This behaviour  gets further pronounced in senior leadership roles where leaders need to act independently, exude self-confidence, speak about issues with authenticity without fear of retribution. Perhaps the inability to shake off these beliefs and re-program the mind is key to equipping women to stepping up to leadership. Also build skills and behaviours that help confront these beliefs in the right context, giving ourselves the permission to trust our instinct and rewrite the need for social-approval with self-approval.  

3.        Its ok not to know all answers- One of the other reason women admitted to not volunteering for larger roles and new assignments when offered is the need to be 100% sure of their ability before they say “yes”. The confidence that they would be able to figure it out over time or “we can co-opt and ask for help” does not come naturally. Another cultural parent message of Mom/Teacher knows all answers deeply etched. We worked on action plan to re-write these beliefs with “It’s okay to ask for help”. Re-scripting beliefs with “it is okay to not be a super-mom-wife-daughter-daughter-in-law-Boss”. Ask for help and enlist support in EACH one of these roles. Accept that woman is not weak if she asks for help, both at home and work and take up a coaching style of managing teams than a parental one of solution finder is liberating too.

4.        Questioning the cultural narrative: Perhaps it is time to challenge the age old narrative and stories of how girls should be and act like? Re-write the stories, lest our daughters also feel shacked and bound by the very same do’s and don’t’s that we unwittingly got exposed to. Times are changing, relationships are more equal, society is opening up to newer formats of relationships and roles. Stereotyping of girls to be prim and pretty or the ubiquitous Indian cultured girl who needs to adjust and adapt to find favour of in-laws are outdated and irrelevant doing more damage than good. We need stories of ‘real women and girls’ who have led less than perfect lives, slipped up and are happy to call themselves successful. Leadership doesn’t need to come with titles and societal approval. My role model is my grandmother, who despite losing her husband at a young age, no formal education and rich lineage, braved odds to raise her seven children as successful supportive close knit family. For her, winning the real world battle outside meant, she needed to conquer the inner demons within her head, with a deep conviction trusting her abilities. It may be time to remind ourselves of the strength within, of our own struggles as a key motivator than emulate hearsay characters’ whom we have heard about, not closely observed.

5.        Combining toughness with empathy: We tend to stereotype women with being soft and empathetic. When it comes to workplace, being soft is perceived as a sign of weakness. Psychological studies have proven time and again that women have a combination of mental toughness, resilience, resourcefulness and empathetic action especially in moments of crisis. Perhaps the one biggest reason that in times as now, the world will look up to Leaders who have this heady combination. The ability to plan, focus and execute with calm composure, mental toughness and an empathetic ear is the need of the hour. These are perhaps the traits that women who helm COVID crisis management demonstrated that made them successful in containing the virus. These are traits that nature has bestowed on women and the time to stand up and leverage is now.

The last couple of months of lockdown has pushed us to get in tune with mother nature, to slow down, reach out to our inner child and rewrite some of the beliefs and set ourselves free.. with a gentle nudge to soar high and follow our dreams.

To fight the toughest battles outside, search for answers within...(annonymous)