Freedom from the Destroyer

I recently read a LinkedIn post by a leadership consulting organization (over 5-million followers) that highlighted "If a person treats you badly, just remember that there is something wrong with them, not you. Normal people don't go around destroying other people." ?

Social media is flooded daily with affirmations and viewpoints that serve as great intentions to help us navigate through challenges we all face in the workplace and our personal lives. If we find them insightful, they might even prompt us to do some self-reflection on how we could improve our mastery of such challenges or use our voices as a call to action for change. However, I find at best they typically only provide some temporary kind of relief or means to cope with negative or challenging circumstances we often face. At their worst, they may inadvertently provide a mechanism in which we get stuck by wishing our circumstances could be different.

So, I would like to offer an alternative perspective and some critical lessons I faced that when I maintain a belief such as the posted statement above, it is not about whether I am justified in my righteousness. It means I am not living a life of freedom.

I’ll start with the concept of someone “destroying” another individual.

Assuming that the post above is referring to what one might deem as harsh treatment and not some type of physical or life-threatening abuse, to anyone reading this – nobody has in fact destroyed you. Ever.

This is a truth because you are sitting on your side of the screen with a heart that is beating, breathing in and out of your lungs, all wrapped up inside your flesh and blood.

Words are the most powerful tool we hold as human beings on this planet. The words you use have the power to create your reality. When you use a word such as “destroy”, you are then giving that event energy that has the power to shape how your nervous system responds. What do I mean by this? Think of a time where you felt “destroyed” - how did you feel at that moment? I’ll take a stab and say you were not feeling very good, and probably even weighed down by your feelings, whether you acknowledged them or not.

What have I learned from experiences where I felt I was on the receiving end of harsh treatment or criticism? I will start by acknowledging that in the past I had extrapolated countless imperfections in people, organizations, systems, cultures, society, social norms, and social bias as evidence of the amount of friction that laid before me. These were all the external sources in and around my environment I felt were sabotaging my attempts at ease, happiness, and attaining any success I longed for.

To put it quite honestly, I was portraying the role as a victim.

Now allow me to share an experience in which I thankfully learned that transcending this type of victimhood was essential to freeing myself from the “destroyer” and into a state of acceptance, understanding, and revolutionary clarity to find a new and better way. Some years ago, my teams at the time and I were encountering some friction due to some rising customer satisfaction concerns. I was working with a peer who rightfully voiced these concerns, but also expressed quite forcefully the ways they felt my team and I were not effectively navigating to the proper solutions. This individual held strong beliefs on what the solutions needed to be. And sometimes the statements around these beliefs crossed into whether my teams and I were engaged and committed enough to address the issues. Ouch.

Initially this felt like an attack on everything I worked so hard to embody as a good leader, including my integrity. I indeed felt destroyed. I wanted to hustle as fast as I could to get rid of this discomfort for me and my teams. This is a natural response, or what many would refer to as "fight or flight." Thankfully, something was calling me to answer to this situation differently. The great hustle, I have learned, provides only some temporary relief, but ultimately it is the path to burnout. Relief does not equal sustainable solutions.

By triggering those feelings of discomfort, this person was showing me that there was a subconscious part of me that felt I was not a good leader.

This was a gift. I started asking myself questions like - what if I could reframe the experience and recognize that self-worth is inherent within me? If I am triggered by what someone says to me, then there is a subconscious part of me that feels inadequate in some way. Knowing that I have so much evidence to the contrary, what if I can simply allow others to have their views because I always have a choice on what I believe to be true.

I found that when moving through uncomfortable experiences, if we don’t acknowledge those shaky parts of ourselves, we then risk unconsciously moving into a state of apathy. With apathy we can remain stuck by "I can't" or "I don't have any choice." This prevents us from having the clarity to see a new way. A new option to transcend the friction. And that is exactly what I helped lead my teams through and ultimately strengthen a foundation of trust between us and those we served in order to create an outcome we all desired.

“It is what a man thinks of himself that really determines his fate.” - Henry David Thoreau

I didn’t need to continue the uphill hustle to prove my worth. If I choose that path, then I am essentially “destroying” myself. This was quite a revelation for me, and now I also see that being "triggered" is a gift pointing towards where I can evolve my way of being and free myself.

I also ultimately came to an understanding that the other person in my story was simply projecting . Projecting is often a form of protection from feeling discomfort, or subconsciously denying something undesirable we see in ourselves. Usually this is a fear that we have, but we dare not admit to. And we all have done this. Therefore, with this awareness, I learned that we can hold compassion instead of taking things personally and avoid responding to a projection with another projection.

So, back to the post about how normal people don’t go around destroying other people - I think that is generally true. I don't believe the vast majority of people intend to destroy another. But...

Human Beings do in fact project. All the time. This doesn’t mean there is something wrong with them.

It is very easy to label one’s action as wrong regardless of what that person is experiencing outside of their encounter with you. This assumes the person is even aware that their actions are causing a discomfort incredible enough to be labeled as “destructive.” ?With this outlook, I continue to try and be more conscious that if I label someone as being wrong, I am in turn projecting my expectations onto someone that is very likely unbeknownst to them. We all have the capacity to do or say things that can inadvertently cause another to feel discomfort. Therefore, I see that "right or wrong" can be very subjective.

In summary, I have learned that it is essential to recognize projections for what they are and to practice discernment when on the receiving end, while also evoking compassion, both for self and others. Everyone we encounter is likely fighting some invisible battle within themselves. If I am triggered by what someone says to me, this is a gift because of what this is telling me about myself.

Most notably, it is even more important to be aware and honest about our own capacities to project and recognize this coping mechanism as an ineffective means of trying to get our needs met. People will build impressive lists of what their needs might be (I did a spreadsheet once), most of which are not incorrect at the surface level. However, I personally like to boil it down to one need. We have an innate need within to feel accepted.

Confidence is just the decorations that, if you are lucky, help you unsee your own prison cell.

What we truly desire within each of us is a state of being that is Freedom from not feeling accepted. So many of us look to embodying confidence as the mechanism to transcend this fear. I've learned that self-acceptance is what transcends fear, including the parts of ourselves that we do not initially want to accept. This is self-mastery.

Rather than holding on to the belief that I am being destroyed or what others “do” to me, I have learned to ask myself if these beliefs of being on the receiving end of a "destroyer" allow me to navigate my life and circumstances with ease, or am I just carrying a big bag of discomfort and weighing down my experiences?

So, for now I’ll close with this final question.

Given the choice to surrender to what truly liberates you by letting go of that "destroyer" within you, or staying apathetic in your righteousness, what would you choose?

I would love to hear your thoughts!