Freedom to Change

There is a lot of conversation these days around freedom...and a lot of disagreements around what it means. How does emotional intelligence play into it all?

What you feel you should be free to do may differ than what others feel you should be free to do, and, well, fair enough.?We each possess a set of personal values, based upon influencers like genetic wiring, upbringing, education, trauma, the society in which we've lived, outside influences, our personal narrative, the voice in our head, the voices of others, our individual circumstances,?and circumstances which are out of our control -- to name a few. Based upon these and more, we prioritize our values in order of importance -- to us --?and these may look quite different than the person's next to you.

One competency of emotional intelligence which comes into play here is personal agility.?This skill set is defined as the ability to not only?anticipate but respond to ever-changing conditions. As you know, it's impossible to?be human and not acknowledge we live in an era of global change. In order to thrive, we must develop an openness to rethink past assumptions, and readily, willingly, rapidly and effectively learn how to adapt.

Easier said than done.

Think of that person you know who is going through something extremely tough -- yet, they don't seem to be thwarted by it. They are hurting, yes, and suffering, yes -- but it's not crushing them. How is this possible? You know the saying, "When the going gets tough, the tough get going." People who are agile have foresight -- they are able to anticipate the need for change before crisis arrives.?They can look at their situation from many perspectives, and are not stuck in the tunnel vision of their own viewpoint.?When they notice they have made?assumptions, they're willing to rethink "the way it's done" and stay open to fresh perspectives, adjusting their approach where needed. As a result, they learn from their own experiences, and those of others, and are empowered to?manage changing situations and transitions with ease.

“Yesterday I was clever, so I wanted to change the world. Today I am wise, so I am changing myself.” -- Rumi

Sounds nice for them, right? I don't know a lot of people who are able to flex like this. More common than not, I experience others who lack the perspective to deal with wavering realities. Their intuition is turned down low, limiting their ability to pick up on coming changes and anticipate what may need to be adjusted. They deny, ignore, and resist making?shifts,?unwilling to explore new ways of thinking and doing, maintaining a "my way or the highway" approach.?Don't believe me? Hop on social media and read the comments under any post which states a political opinion.

“We must be willing to let go of the life we planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” --?Joseph Campbell

Are you agile??Read these statements below and in terms of how you behave on a regular basis, answer "always", "never", or "sometimes":

• I find it easy to operate out of my comfort zone.
• I quickly embrace new ideas, even if I don't agree with them.
• I am OK with things being "up in the air."
• Change does not put me in a bad mood.
• I like learning new skills and new ways of doing things.
• Others view me as curious.
• I enjoy working with others who are different than me.
• I notice the need for change before the need arises.

If you answer never or sometimes to any of the above, it may?be time to?consider devoting attention to your?personal agility.

One of the things I love about emotional intelligence is that it can be developed, no matter how much we may currently exhibit. And this applies to personal agility. If you fall into the camp of rigid thinking, all is not lost, especially if you desire to learn and grow. With the help of a?certified social and emotional intelligence coach, you can begin to make shifts toward a more flexible outlook, without?lowering or losing your?personal values and standards.

“It is not the strongest of the species that survive, nor the most intelligent, but those most responsive to change.” -- Charles Darwin?

Ready to change your perspective on change? Here are some new approaches to try:

• Notice the emotions you experience?when a change (differing from what you think should happen) is presented.?Do you feel angry? Scared? Frustrated? Overwhelmed? Disgusted? Discern these feelings and try to name them specifically.?
• Develop self-awareness around your 'normal' response to change. Your first reaction may be denial, dismissal, resistance, or self-righteousness, to name a few. If you're not sure about this one, ask someone who knows you well what they notice in your behaviors when changes occur.
• Become curious.?Learn more about the change by asking rich, open-ended questions to all involved. Think of yourself as an explorer, endeavoring to hear all perspectives and viewpoints, gathering facts and opinions. Do your best to withhold judgement and maintain an open mind as you inquire and investigate.
• Discern between facts and fiction.?Take note of what you want vs. what is. Sometimes hot emotions such as anger, disgust, indignation, etc. can skew our ability to see clearly, spurring us to confuse our personal desires with reality.
• Note the similarities.?When in conflict, instead of quickly noting what you disagree upon, try to find areas of commonality, such as "we both want the company to be more profitable", or, "we both want to feel valued", or, "we are both smart, good, and worthy of being treated fairly." Finding this common ground makes for firm footing toward next steps.
• Define who the real "enemy" is (what not who).?Often when we are inflexible, we see anyone who disagrees with us as "the enemy".?Rather than deciding who is good and who is bad, consider that the common enemy may not be the other person at all, but a common frustration, such as injustice, or inequity, or a frustrating circumstance.
• Show respect (with empathy).?As much as you don't want others to dismiss you with disdain and disrespect in regard to your opinions -- neither do they.?Even if you don't agree, treat them as you'd want to be treated. Disagreement does not justify?hurtful behaviors.
• Acknowledge what is within your control and what is not.?Getting hung up on trying to fix things (and others) which are not within your sphere of influence is a surefire way to discouragement and feeling stuck, which breeds inflexibility.
• Seek out?those who can provide you with support during transitions.?There's no shame in owning that you need help. If you struggle with personal agility, welcome to the world of being human. There are friends, mentors, coaches, counselors, and therapists who are equipped to provide tools?needed for personal agility. It's OK to ask for help.

You may fear that you will lose yourself if you are open to others' perspectives. I get that. Me too. However, these differences are not going away, and neither is change. Learning to work together, even with opposing?thoughts, opinions, and perspectives, is the only way we truly can survive and thrive. This requires us to change and be changed--one freedom no one can take away.

“The only way that we can live, is if we grow. The only way that we can grow is if we change. The only way that we can change is if we learn. The only way we can learn is if we are exposed. And the only way that we can become exposed is if we throw ourselves out into the open. Do it. Throw yourself.” --?C. JoyBell C.