Free Yourself Through Forgiveness

FREE YOURSELF THROUGH FORGIVENESS

“Forgiveness is a gift you give yourself, not a gift you give someone else.”?

Tony Robbins?

Have you ever had someone really hurt you in your life? Someone who treated you very badly, unjustifiably, for no good reason? And you feel, quite justifiably, resentful of how that person treated you? Who hasn’t been hurt by the actions or words of another? Those wounds can create a reservoir of anger and bitterness, sometimes even vengeance.

The key to freeing you from that prison of bitterness is forgiveness. In this newsletter, I will explain what is forgiveness; what is not forgiveness, why we should forgive; hurdles to forgiveness; what are the gifts of forgiveness; and what are the steps to take in forgiving someone who has unjustifiably harmed you.?

What is Forgiveness?

Forgiveness is a conscious, deliberate decision to release feelings of resentment or vengeance toward a person or group that harmed you, regardless of whether they actually deserve your forgiveness. When we forgive, we stop reliving the pain, feeling over and over again the injury that we suffered .Forgiveness is a purposeful decision to not hold onto our feelings of blame and resentment against another person, despite what he or she has done to us. It releases our anger. When we forgive, we let go of our feelings of resentment and even thoughts of revenge. The wrong might always be with you, on some level, but forgiveness reduces the pain that you feel from it. It frees you from the control of the person who harmed you. It may even lead to feelings of understanding or even sometimes compassion for the person who harmed you.

Forgiveness does not mean condoning what was done to you, or even forgetting or excusing the other for the responsibility for the harm they caused. It does not mean reconciliation. It does not require “making up” with the person who unjustifiably hurt you. We never have to return to the same relationship with that person. What it does do is bring you a sense of serenity, and frees you from the resentment that entrapped you.

What Forgiveness is Not!

One of the big problems with our giving ourselves permission to forgive someone else is our misconception about what forgiveness is and what it is not.

Forgiveness is not saying that we were not hurt by what the other person did or that we didn’t feel pain, or that our pain is totally gone. It also does not mean that we were not somehow changed by what happened. Forgiveness does not excuse what happened. It also does not mean that we were partly to blame for what was done to us. The old saying “forgive and forget” is somewhat misleading; we never have to forget.

What are the hurdles to forgiveness?

We can have emotional blocks to being able to forgive, including these:

Control. Sometimes we want to control the person who hurt us, to make him feel pain, to hold him responsible or accountable. We may feel that forgiving him let’s go of control over what is his responsibility for what he did to us.

Expectations. We expect certain behaviors from other people. We certainly expect them not to unjustifiably harm us, and if they do, we expect them to make proper amends. When they don’t do what we expect, our hurt deepens.

Blame.when we have been harmed, it is natural, to blame the other person, but that simply imprisons us in our own harm. Letting go of blame gives us the power to forgive.

Why should we forgive?

When we feel that justifiable resentment, we continue to relive the injury that we suffer. We inflict on ourselves the same pain that we initially felt. The experience comes back, with all of its hurt and loss. The only person we hurt when we feel that resentment is ourselves, no matter how justified our feelings may be. When we forgive, we free ourselves from that pain. We no longer are controlled by what the other person did to us.

There are so many gifts we receive from forgiveness. We increase our self-esteem, and we achieve a sense of strength and safety. It allows us to heal and move through life with purpose and intention. We are the primary beneficiary of the forgiveness.

It promotes well-being and physical and mental health. The act of forgiveness can reap huge rewards for your health, lowering the risk of heart attack; improving cholesterol levels and sleep; and reducing pain, blood pressure, and levels of anxiety, depression and stress.

The most important thing is that when we forgive the other person, we choose to free ourselves from the terrible pain and hurt that we relive every time we think about how that person harmed us.

The most important gifts of forgiveness are:

1. A sense of peace. We find we can have some measure of serenity.
2. Personal freedom. We are no longer controlled by what that other person did to us. When we need someone else to behave in a certain way, make an apology, or give us an amend, we are a prisoner to that other person. Forgiveness is about choosing to love ourselves and to create our own personal freedom.
3. Healthier relationships. Forgiveness helps us to heal our hurt and improve our relationships. It can strengthen our current relationships.
4. Improved mental health. The negative emotions of blame, anger and hostility are mental burdens to us. When we release them, we are freed from the stress that they cause. Forgiveness has been shown to produce strong mental health benefits to the person who forgives. It reduces anger, stress, depression and anxiety.
5. Better physical health. Those negative emotions not only strain us emotionally but physically as well. They can limit our heart health, our immunity, our intestinal health and other physical functions. We will sleep better and have more energy.

How to Forgive

We all can see the gifts of forgiveness, we know it’s not easy. What are the steps we can take to free ourselves to forgive someone else who has harmed us?

1. Let go of judgment. Our sense of righteousness often holds us back from forgiving. We want to judge the other person, “he was so wrong!” But to really open ourselves to forgiveness, we need to let go of that sense of judging the other person, again which in no way condones what he did.
2. Release all expectations. Others do not treat us how we want them to. We have expectations of other people in our life and they often do not match them. Let go of those expectations. When we expect other people to behave in a certain way, it blocks us from forgiving.
3. Give up control. We can’t control the person who harmed us. We can’t make that person change their behavior. We can’t make them apologize to us or make things right. As long as we try to control who they are and what they did to us, and our need for an apology or amend, we can’t forgive and move on.
4. Understand what forgiveness is and how it helps you. Once you understand what forgiveness is, and what it is not; and how you can create your own personal freedom by forgiving, you are in a better state of mind to forgive.
5. Forgive yourself. We have often done things wrong, and perhaps hurt ourselves by certain choices we made or actions we took. Start with forgiving yourself and not blaming yourself for things we might have done wrong. When we are able to forgive ourselves, we are more able to forgive others.
6. Acknowledge how you feel about what was done to you, and how it affects you. Understanding your emotions and feelings is the first step to really forgiving the other party and letting go of them.
7. Ask for willingness to forgive. It can be so hard, but we really need to seek the willingness to let go of the pain and anger that we feel. If you're a spiritual person, pray for the willingness to forgive.
8. Choose to forgive. It’s within our power. It’s not easy. But to help ourselves, to free ourselves, choose to forgive the other person who harmed us.
9. Free yourself from the control and power the other person had when you. Stop being a victim. Understand that you do not want to give control over your happiness to that very person who harmed you so unjustifiably. You are no longer a victim. You can choose to be free.

Conclusion

Forgiveness can be very hard. We have been unjustifiably wronged and we feel pain and hurt. . But reliving that injury just causes us our own pain. It does nothing to the other party. We can achieve much greater personal freedom when we choose forgiveness. The other person loses their control over our happiness and our future.

What steps can you take to choose forgiveness in your life?