Freaking Raspberries...

Raspberries... I think about Raspberries almost every single day. The year is 2016, Foxtail had just been named fastest growing something by some award something. I took a day off in the late summer to go spend time with my kids. I had barely done anything with them all summer vacation long because work was too crazy. My wife tells me we're going to pick raspberries at a farm in Spanish Fork (about 30 minutes away). I robotically load the kids and head down. I wasn't excited, I was stressed, my phone was pinging every 10 seconds with a notification from Slack, or email, or text, or something. We get to this little farm and my kids start going nuts for picking raspberries. I start enjoying myself and somehow leave my phone in the car so I can have a better time. Then I notice there's a field full of deer right next door. I figure, they're wild, but as I get closer the owner of the property is standing in the middle of the heard with a bag of feed like some kind of freaking Santa Clause. 

So, I ask the guy, "Is there really money in deer farming?"

"Money?" he says. "Nah, I just love deer. They're the best."

At this point my mind is blown. This guy is spending money feeding a herd of deer, is standing in the middle of a field mid-day on a weekday, and it's all not in the pursuit of money.

My kids spend a half hour playing with the deer while I lazily make my way back to the entrance. I bring our bucket of raspberries up to the farmer, who, by the way, is the nicest old dude you've ever met in your life. With a huge smile on his face he gives the buckets a half glance and says, "eh, let's call it $10".

"Don't you have to weigh it?"

"You don't think they're worth $10?" he asks, smiling.

"Well, yeah. I mean, it's two full buckets. I was expecting like $20 or $30".

"Great! Then let's call it $10 and you've got yourself a deal."

Huge man crush on the nicest man ever, firmly established.

"So, how did you get into raspberry farming?" I asked him as I was paying.

"Had the land, love making kids happy, so why not grow raspberries."

Again, I'm sitting here talking to a guy who is doing something that he loves just for the sake of doing it. I look back over my shoulder and see Santa Clause still laughing and playing with the kids and the deer, and I start to wonder if I've fallen into some weird dimension where money doesn't matter and people can just do whatever the hell they want... Kind of like Dubai.

I spend the next few hours just hanging out at the raspberry farm and with the deer, then load the kids up and drive home in a fog.

"Did you know that deer guy doesn't make any money off his deer!?" I ask my wife.

"Well, how would you make money off deer?" she asks.

"I don't know... Deer meet, deer hide, deer antler spray." I list off all the ways I would try and monetize those creatures that just enchanted my kids by breaking them down for their component parts... Read that again...

Then it hit me. I just stopped talking. My wife laughed at the idea that I would try to disassemble deer in order to make money from them.

But, that's what I was surrounded by 24/7. I went to networking events where all people talked about was who raised how many millions, or who recently sold for X millions, or who wasn't doing so well because they had a down round. Every day I talked to clients who talked about nothing but ARR, MRR, CTR, CPA, Churn, and a hundred other terms that don't mean shit outside of my business bubble.

Hustle, hustle, hustle. Grow, Grow, Grow!

The next day I went into the office and I couldn't concentrate on my calls. I think I blew a meeting with a client that the sales guys brought in for me to "put the nail in the coffin" on the deal.

All of a sudden, I stopped caring. I realized that all the things I was doing was building wealth or value, but it was at the cost of my happiness and sanity.

So things changed. They changed a lot.

It was painful. I let clients go, I let people go. I stopped running up crazy amounts of debt in the name of growth. I starting going to see a therapist so I could understand why I was so screwed up.

But then, I also got a little happier. Yes, in the moment of the cuts and the pulling back from growth, there were hellish days where I just wanted to crawl into a dark hole and shut out the world. There were things I had to do that to this day I still remember the pain it caused others. But little by little I tried shifting my focus from my work and more towards my family, my mental health, and my relationship with my wife.

Dreaming

In 2012, I had a dream board on my wall with a crazy nice house, a very fast car, and a bunch of other crap.

It helped. I'm not going to lie, looking at those pictures every day, visualizing myself with them, it helped drive me to achieve a certain lifestyle.

But in 2016 as I stood around in a house that looked a lot like the dream board, and I drove in a car that looked a lot like the one on my dream board, I felt like I was living in a nightmare.

So, I started a new dream board. Because they do help and I still believe in them. Except this time I put a farm on it. I put a country on it that I visited back in 2010 and met the people there and got to do some service. That country has stuck with since. I keep thinking back to how that was one of the most fulfilling months of my life. I put a smiling person on the board and I put a picture of my wife and kids.

And you know, I'm not quite sure what this dream board means anymore. I mean, I don't own a farm... yet. But it's on the list. And I don't know if I'm supposed to buy a family that looks like my family, cause they're on there... and so was the car... and I bought the car...

Or maybe I'm just supposed to constantly be working on my family. Maybe I'm just supposed to remember that I have them. And no matter how shitty life can get, they still love me. Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's why their on there. Plus, the going rate for a family of four kids with a wife is astronomical right now.

Oh, and there's a picture that everyone who sees it always asks me about. It's a picture of raspberries.

"You, uh... You like raspberries, huh?" someone will say.

First off, yes, yes I do. And I think they're criminally underrated as a fruit, but that's beside the point. I have them on there because they're a reminder to me that growth, money, business, and entrepreneurship isn't where my happiness lies (it may for some of you, I'm not saying it can't be). But when I was on that farm, walking around, smelling the fresh air, detached from my phone, and watching Santa Clause play with his herd of deer with a level of jealousy that would be considered unhealthy, I came to realize where my happiness lies.

Freedom. I like to be free. Free to make my own choices, to do what I want, to say what I feel, and to just be un-tethered.

What I'd created back at the office was a machine that wouldn't give me an ounce of freedom. Yes, it gave wealth, and wealth can sometimes create freedom, but a lot of times it doesn't and it actually limits your freedom.

And when I went into my therapist's office for the first time and I told her all the reasons I KNEW I was crazy, freedom wasn't even mentioned. But over time, and by talking and digging, we came to the realization of what really drove me.

Where Does it End?

So you're aware, I haven't stopped working. I still get on calls every day. I still meet with clients and help them with their marketing.

But I go to a lot fewer events where the talk is all about ARR and MRR. I travel a hell of a lot less and am home a hell of a lot more. I get to coach my son's baseball, basketball, and soccer teams now. I do have more freedom, and I do find myself to be happier.

I still have my bad days, my bad weeks, and sometimes my bad months. But they are fewer and much farther apart then they used to be. And I still sometimes feel trapped, but at least I can recognize that feeling now and I can actively address it.

I'm not sure what my next thing is. I used to have my next 10 years planned out, then the 10 after that, then the 10 after that. But if anything, the last 10 years has taught me that men plan and God laughs.

I look over at my picture of raspberries hanging on my office wall, and I realize I haven't picked a berry in over a year... Time to go fix that.